Focus on family time or DH decompressing?

[Anonymous]

Can’t he do both? You let him sleep in, take the kids out for a long breakfast and trip to the playground. Then you come home and hang out, watch a movie together, whatever dh wants. It doesn’t have to be either or.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry even a 12 hour day st work while on travel is still more relaxing than working and taking care of kids.

He sleeps at a hotel cleaned everyday by housekeeping, eats out every meal, does his work and that’s it.

There’s a reason so many men like jobs where they travel for extended times. Sure it can help the career depending on the field, but hardly hardship. It’s not like he is a tent in the Afghan desert with sniper fire every night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH will have worked 14 straight days due to a huge project at work. The kids have been in bed when he gets home, and he leaves to commute shortly after they get up. It’s been crazy hectic, and they really miss him. He will be off early Friday and Saturday, but then leaves Sunday to head out of town to finish this project, and will be gone all next week. (Then this craziness will be over!)

I’m wondering though if I should encourage him to take the day for himself on Saturday to do something he wants, or if I should plan a “family day” so the kids can spend the day as a family. They miss him a lot, but are managing. I’m just wondering if the focus should be on DH decompressing or, on the kids?

YOU need to decompress from doing everything for 14 full days on the homefront and your job.

HE has been unilaterally focused on work for 14 days, which in many cases is LESS stressful than having to juggle 3-4 aspects of live. And I say this as a mgmt consultant, traveling 4 days a week allows me to do my job much better than flip flopping 10-12 hours at work and then the family morning and evening routine each day. Much easier.

Net/net, you both need to decompress. Hope the after tax money is worth it for his work schedule and demands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let him decompress! If it was me, I would send kids to grandma for the weekend and have alone time with him. Kids will be fine

I disagree.

My husband went through a 2 year stint like this and it was horrible for the kids: toddler, preschooler and elementary kid.

They would talk about how they didn't see daddy for days and would stay up in their beds trying to be awake when he got home.

I can say that years later, the oldest (now in high school) relationship with dad is still distant from that time. The 2nd one remembers very little about that time, except that daddy was never home and when he was he was crabby or sleeping.

If he gets off early Friday, the kids should be in school. Let him unwind, and have him pick up the kids. Do an easy, relaxing night at home, doing what relaxes dad while the kids hang out too, like pizza night while he plays video games (with the kids hanging out) or pop in a movie where he cuddles on the couch with the kids. Early bed for the kids and let him sleep in.

The next day, just continue with unstructured, relaxing at home. The kids will alternate between playing and hanging on him, but if there is nothing scheduled and no timelines, then it should be low stress for him. Again, easy, relaxing dinner at home, something low key with the kids afterwards (like sitting on the bed chatting while the kids show him their toys or play legos) and early bed again.

Just be prepared for next week. It will be very hard on the kids. That week after they saw him was always difficult for them.

Usually when your big project gets past the finish line you get a second wind and love spending time with family out and about. Take advantage of the weather! The age of your rapidly growing children! Being home and in a cool area of the country!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When do you get free time, op?

Oh god

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH will have worked 14 straight days due to a huge project at work. The kids have been in bed when he gets home, and he leaves to commute shortly after they get up. It’s been crazy hectic, and they really miss him. He will be off early Friday and Saturday, but then leaves Sunday to head out of town to finish this project, and will be gone all next week. (Then this craziness will be over!)

I’m wondering though if I should encourage him to take the day for himself on Saturday to do something he wants, or if I should plan a “family day” so the kids can spend the day as a family. They miss him a lot, but are managing. I’m just wondering if the focus should be on DH decompressing or, on the kids?

YOU need to decompress from doing everything for 14 full days on the homefront and your job.

HE has been unilaterally focused on work for 14 days, which in many cases is LESS stressful than having to juggle 3-4 aspects of live. And I say this as a mgmt consultant, traveling 4 days a week allows me to do my job much better than flip flopping 10-12 hours at work and then the family morning and evening routine each day. Much easier.

Net/net, you both need to decompress. Hope the after tax money is worth it for his work schedule and demands.

Sounds like OP is doing just fine and doesn’t have all of your ridiculous baggage. Some spouses actually prefer a partner who works hard to provide for a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When do you get free time, op?

Oh god

Let me guess, you outsource child care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH will have worked 14 straight days due to a huge project at work. The kids have been in bed when he gets home, and he leaves to commute shortly after they get up. It’s been crazy hectic, and they really miss him. He will be off early Friday and Saturday, but then leaves Sunday to head out of town to finish this project, and will be gone all next week. (Then this craziness will be over!)

I’m wondering though if I should encourage him to take the day for himself on Saturday to do something he wants, or if I should plan a “family day” so the kids can spend the day as a family. They miss him a lot, but are managing. I’m just wondering if the focus should be on DH decompressing or, on the kids?

YOU need to decompress from doing everything for 14 full days on the homefront and your job.

HE has been unilaterally focused on work for 14 days, which in many cases is LESS stressful than having to juggle 3-4 aspects of live. And I say this as a mgmt consultant, traveling 4 days a week allows me to do my job much better than flip flopping 10-12 hours at work and then the family morning and evening routine each day. Much easier.

Net/net, you both need to decompress. Hope the after tax money is worth it for his work schedule and demands.

Sounds like OP is doing just fine and doesn’t have all of your ridiculous baggage. Some spouses actually prefer a partner who works hard to provide for a family.

Yes I hope OP's DH is appreciative of how hard she is working to keep the family and household moving forward. On top of whatever else she does.

[Anonymous]

Ignorance is bliss. Much easier to just focus on one or two things. Not realistic with kids and a house, but much easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH will have worked 14 straight days due to a huge project at work. The kids have been in bed when he gets home, and he leaves to commute shortly after they get up. It’s been crazy hectic, and they really miss him. He will be off early Friday and Saturday, but then leaves Sunday to head out of town to finish this project, and will be gone all next week. (Then this craziness will be over!)

I’m wondering though if I should encourage him to take the day for himself on Saturday to do something he wants, or if I should plan a “family day” so the kids can spend the day as a family. They miss him a lot, but are managing. I’m just wondering if the focus should be on DH decompressing or, on the kids?

So he has already worked 14 days in a row.
Now he is off this Friday and Saturday.
Then he leaves again Sunday for 5-7 days again.

Just ask him what he wants or needs to do those 48 hours off. He actually may say he wants to work at home! I hope he doesn't say that, but he might.
And unless he was truly working 15-18 hours days while gone and getting run down that way, don't worry about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry even a 12 hour day st work while on travel is still more relaxing than working and taking care of kids.

He sleeps at a hotel cleaned everyday by housekeeping, eats out every meal, does his work and that’s it.

There’s a reason so many men like jobs where they travel for extended times. Sure it can help the career depending on the field, but hardly hardship. It’s not like he is a tent in the Afghan desert with sniper fire every night.

SO TRUE.

[Anonymous]

I will say my DH would want to spend every free second he had with the kids. I wouldn't need to ask him, it wouldn't even be a discussion. He would miss them just as much as they miss him. I wouldn't plan anything big (like hosting brunch or something) or a big outting that requires getting up and out. But a low key morning at home, together, and then a family outing? OF COURSE.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'd find an activity that would appeal to all of you. It isn't an either/or situation. Your kids deserve a father and you deserve a husband. For those of you who say that Sunday is a good time for family stuff, the husband leaves on Sunday. How early is he coming home on Friday? It's not clear if he'll be home at 10 p.m. when he normally has been getting home at 3, or if he'll be home early to mid afternoon.
I'd also make it clear to him that these sprints need to stop. In my experience, once a boss has figure out he's got a good sprinter, the sprint becomes a viable management style. Unless your husband thrives off of this (and if he did you wouldn't be posting) this situation is untennable. It isn't fair to him, you or the kids.

[Anonymous]

NP. I'm the mom in a similar situation. I came back from a 10-day trip at 9:30pm last night. I brushed my son's teeth, tucked him in, woke with him around 3:30am when he wanted water (and to check whether I am there), and have spent all day today with him. I used my early jetlagged morning and his nap this afternoon to decompress. I'm tired, but happy. Can't imagine taking an entire additional day to decompress after not seeing him for over a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry even a 12 hour day st work while on travel is still more relaxing than working and taking care of kids.

He sleeps at a hotel cleaned everyday by housekeeping, eats out every meal, does his work and that’s it.

There’s a reason so many men like jobs where they travel for extended times. Sure it can help the career depending on the field, but hardly hardship. It’s not like he is a tent in the Afghan desert with sniper fire every night.

SO TRUE.

I'm a traveling DW. give me the kid and my own bed ANY DAY over constant work. Work travel saps the life out of me. My kid is tiring physically but otherwise a lot of fun.