Your MIL doesn't hate you if you are a woman, you hate her.

[Anonymous]

By the time I showed up, everyone knew that my MIL hated...

Her own MIL who is the nicest person I ever met.

Her own SIL (brother's wife)

Her other SIL (husband's sister, who I adore)

Her niece (because she is SILs, I guess)

Her other DIL (who came on the scene first).

My brain wasn't telling me we were sexual rivals. My brain was telling me to be very careful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Meh, not really.

From this link: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/deanna-brann-phd/the-mildil-competition-it_b_4461464.html

The main factor in why it’s so different between MILs and DILs is that there’s an undercurrent of competition between the two women — but it’s not what you’re probably thinking. Most of us want to believe that this competition is for the husband/son’s love. That’s not it. The competition is actually for the influence each woman has over this man in the middle.

This is an unspoken competition. Most women will feel some tension around something the other did or said, and then they will find fault with the actions displayed by the other. For example, a DIL may complain that her husband’s mother won’t let go, or a MIL might say that her son’s wife wants to keep him from the rest of his family. Making these statements or having these reactions is really how each woman tries to deal with the covert competition. These statements and/or reactions are the consequence of this undercurrent of competition, not the cause.

I think of it as a scuffle for control of the family culture. Family culture is largely established and maintained by women, so when a man marries, his wife creates the new family's culture. If that culture is at odds with the culture in the husband's family of origin, his mother (who established that family of origin culture) experiences it as a rejection and feels threatened.

Agree with the power for control over family culture and that it's generated by the true head of the household: the mother/wife. Everyone else falls in line.

It's why when you visit Mom & Dad's some adults act like little children. Once your 18 yo it should be an adult/adult relationship, not so much child/adult. Try to move it along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Meh, not really.

From this link: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/deanna-brann-phd/the-mildil-competition-it_b_4461464.html

The main factor in why it’s so different between MILs and DILs is that there’s an undercurrent of competition between the two women — but it’s not what you’re probably thinking. Most of us want to believe that this competition is for the husband/son’s love. That’s not it. The competition is actually for the influence each woman has over this man in the middle.

This is an unspoken competition. Most women will feel some tension around something the other did or said, and then they will find fault with the actions displayed by the other. For example, a DIL may complain that her husband’s mother won’t let go, or a MIL might say that her son’s wife wants to keep him from the rest of his family. Making these statements or having these reactions is really how each woman tries to deal with the covert competition. These statements and/or reactions are the consequence of this undercurrent of competition, not the cause.

I think of it as a scuffle for control of the family culture. Family culture is largely established and maintained by women, so when a man marries, his wife creates the new family's culture. If that culture is at odds with the culture in the husband's family of origin, his mother (who established that family of origin culture) experiences it as a rejection and feels threatened.

I have tension with my MIL and I read this saying "YES!" the entire time. So +1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Not a MIL and don't have a MIL, the way I read all the posts here is that DILs are constantly nit picking, pulling apart every single word and action of their MILs. Ok, so it is not sexual, but it is a competition for whom DH loves more, in the eyes of DILs. DILs are insecure, and as another pp pointed out, fighting for their place as top woman in the family. Hence posts about wanting to host events, and MILs being unhappy about it. Hence posts about MIL not changing DD's clothes one weekend, hence constant giving her my piece of mind posts. Some MILs might hate you, some might be insane, by but far it is my impression that DILs start nitpicking, never letting go of an issue and seeing wrong in any action. Hence proving to DH that she, his wife is better care giver, earner, housekeeper and any array of imagined acts she thinks she is being judged for, in hopes of alienating him from his mother. This is a dance as old as history of humans. DILs can't really help it for the most part. It is only as they grow older that they are able to relax about their place in the family. Hence this struggl is pretty normal. But, for most part MILs don't start it, they don't have to, they are top dog already, hence DILs start this dance.

Maybe you should have several seats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Not a MIL and don't have a MIL, the way I read all the posts here is that DILs are constantly nit picking, pulling apart every single word and action of their MILs. Ok, so it is not sexual, but it is a competition for whom DH loves more, in the eyes of DILs. DILs are insecure, and as another pp pointed out, fighting for their place as top woman in the family. Hence posts about wanting to host events, and MILs being unhappy about it. Hence posts about MIL not changing DD's clothes one weekend, hence constant giving her my piece of mind posts. Some MILs might hate you, some might be insane, by but far it is my impression that DILs start nitpicking, never letting go of an issue and seeing wrong in any action. Hence proving to DH that she, his wife is better care giver, earner, housekeeper and any array of imagined acts she thinks she is being judged for, in hopes of alienating him from his mother. This is a dance as old as history of humans. DILs can't really help it for the most part. It is only as they grow older that they are able to relax about their place in the family. Hence this struggl is pretty normal. But, for most part MILs don't start it, they don't have to, they are top dog already, hence DILs start this dance.

You say many DILs are insecure, and that could be. I say many MILs have a hard time letting go of their "baby boys" and realizing that they are not, indeed, the "top dog" any longer, but are now secondary to a wife and children. So they hold on to the idea that they should still get to host all family events, that they should get input into how their son's family lives and how their grandchildren are raised, and that their sons should prioritize them above the wife and family. My MIL still can't get over the fact that her precious little boy (who is almost 40) is a married father and refuses to leave his family so that they can spend Christmas "just the two of them, just this once, like in the old days".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lol. My husband can't stand his mom

Could he stand her before you came into the picture or is his dislike your personal achievement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Not a MIL and don't have a MIL, the way I read all the posts here is that DILs are constantly nit picking, pulling apart every single word and action of their MILs. Ok, so it is not sexual, but it is a competition for whom DH loves more, in the eyes of DILs. DILs are insecure, and as another pp pointed out, fighting for their place as top woman in the family. Hence posts about wanting to host events, and MILs being unhappy about it. Hence posts about MIL not changing DD's clothes one weekend, hence constant giving her my piece of mind posts. Some MILs might hate you, some might be insane, by but far it is my impression that DILs start nitpicking, never letting go of an issue and seeing wrong in any action. Hence proving to DH that she, his wife is better care giver, earner, housekeeper and any array of imagined acts she thinks she is being judged for, in hopes of alienating him from his mother. This is a dance as old as history of humans. DILs can't really help it for the most part. It is only as they grow older that they are able to relax about their place in the family. Hence this struggl is pretty normal. But, for most part MILs don't start it, they don't have to, they are top dog already, hence DILs start this dance.

Um no. I thought my MIL and I had a good relationship that could possibly turn into a better relationship. That was before we got married. I am not kidding that the day we got married EVERYTHING changed for her. She could NOT BELIEVE we were spending Thanksgiving with my family in another state two months later and NOT seeing her. The tit for tat comparison game was like acid on our relationship. It's been 10 years and it's better now, but not fully recovered, mainly because I learned I could not trust her with my feelings and my love. She didn't *love* me, she tolerated me. Once she let me realize that, it's been rocky. But I certainly did not start it and will do everything in my power to do a better job with my future DIL (if I ever have one).

[Anonymous]

Gross.. the Mom is not the "top dog".

She should mind her manners though if she wants to be part of the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Not a MIL and don't have a MIL, the way I read all the posts here is that DILs are constantly nit picking, pulling apart every single word and action of their MILs. Ok, so it is not sexual, but it is a competition for whom DH loves more, in the eyes of DILs. DILs are insecure, and as another pp pointed out, fighting for their place as top woman in the family. Hence posts about wanting to host events, and MILs being unhappy about it. Hence posts about MIL not changing DD's clothes one weekend, hence constant giving her my piece of mind posts. Some MILs might hate you, some might be insane, by but far it is my impression that DILs start nitpicking, never letting go of an issue and seeing wrong in any action. Hence proving to DH that she, his wife is better care giver, earner, housekeeper and any array of imagined acts she thinks she is being judged for, in hopes of alienating him from his mother. This is a dance as old as history of humans. DILs can't really help it for the most part. It is only as they grow older that they are able to relax about their place in the family. Hence this struggl is pretty normal. But, for most part MILs don't start it, they don't have to, they are top dog already, hence DILs start this dance.

For someone who has no personal experience, you have very specific opinions on the subject.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Not a MIL and don't have a MIL, the way I read all the posts here is that DILs are constantly nit picking, pulling apart every single word and action of their MILs. Ok, so it is not sexual, but it is a competition for whom DH loves more, in the eyes of DILs. DILs are insecure, and as another pp pointed out, fighting for their place as top woman in the family. Hence posts about wanting to host events, and MILs being unhappy about it. Hence posts about MIL not changing DD's clothes one weekend, hence constant giving her my piece of mind posts. Some MILs might hate you, some might be insane, by but far it is my impression that DILs start nitpicking, never letting go of an issue and seeing wrong in any action. Hence proving to DH that she, his wife is better care giver, earner, housekeeper and any array of imagined acts she thinks she is being judged for, in hopes of alienating him from his mother. This is a dance as old as history of humans. DILs can't really help it for the most part. It is only as they grow older that they are able to relax about their place in the family. Hence this struggl is pretty normal. But, for most part MILs don't start it, they don't have to, they are top dog already, hence DILs start this dance.

For someone who has no personal experience, you have very specific opinions on the subject.

+1 Really weirdly specific.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Not a MIL and don't have a MIL, the way I read all the posts here is that DILs are constantly nit picking, pulling apart every single word and action of their MILs. Ok, so it is not sexual, but it is a competition for whom DH loves more, in the eyes of DILs. DILs are insecure, and as another pp pointed out, fighting for their place as top woman in the family. Hence posts about wanting to host events, and MILs being unhappy about it. Hence posts about MIL not changing DD's clothes one weekend, hence constant giving her my piece of mind posts. Some MILs might hate you, some might be insane, by but far it is my impression that DILs start nitpicking, never letting go of an issue and seeing wrong in any action. Hence proving to DH that she, his wife is better care giver, earner, housekeeper and any array of imagined acts she thinks she is being judged for, in hopes of alienating him from his mother. This is a dance as old as history of humans. DILs can't really help it for the most part. It is only as they grow older that they are able to relax about their place in the family. Hence this struggl is pretty normal. But, for most part MILs don't start it, they don't have to, they are top dog already, hence DILs start this dance.

You say many DILs are insecure, and that could be. I say many MILs have a hard time letting go of their "baby boys" and realizing that they are not, indeed, the "top dog" any longer, but are now secondary to a wife and children. So they hold on to the idea that they should still get to host all family events, that they should get input into how their son's family lives and how their grandchildren are raised, and that their sons should prioritize them above the wife and family. My MIL still can't get over the fact that her precious little boy (who is almost 40) is a married father and refuses to leave his family so that they can spend Christmas "just the two of them, just this once, like in the old days".

Yeah, that's definitely at play in my scenario. I would love to know what goes on in my MIL's mind because she's usually near-impossible to read and she will pipe down to keep the peace. DH told her a long time ago that she and SIL don't come first for him anymore, and she was PISSED. I guess she got over it though -- she lives with us. She doesn't say anything to me about parenting (after one incident where I told her what was up), although she will comment to DH sometimes about his parenting. He tells her to stuff it. She was super pissed when we "relegated" her to our (really nice) in-law suite/apartment downstairs, but she's still there. I suspect it's worth it to her for the relationship with her grandchildren and closeness to her only local family besides my SIL (who just moved in literally within eyesight of our house....).

But yeah, I spend a lot of time reflecting on why I get so wrapped around the axle regarding MIL. Some of this makes sense, I think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Not a MIL and don't have a MIL, the way I read all the posts here is that DILs are constantly nit picking, pulling apart every single word and action of their MILs. Ok, so it is not sexual, but it is a competition for whom DH loves more, in the eyes of DILs. DILs are insecure, and as another pp pointed out, fighting for their place as top woman in the family. Hence posts about wanting to host events, and MILs being unhappy about it. Hence posts about MIL not changing DD's clothes one weekend, hence constant giving her my piece of mind posts. Some MILs might hate you, some might be insane, by but far it is my impression that DILs start nitpicking, never letting go of an issue and seeing wrong in any action. Hence proving to DH that she, his wife is better care giver, earner, housekeeper and any array of imagined acts she thinks she is being judged for, in hopes of alienating him from his mother. This is a dance as old as history of humans. DILs can't really help it for the most part. It is only as they grow older that they are able to relax about their place in the family. Hence this struggl is pretty normal. But, for most part MILs don't start it, they don't have to, they are top dog already, hence DILs start this dance.

You say many DILs are insecure, and that could be. I say many MILs have a hard time letting go of their "baby boys" and realizing that they are not, indeed, the "top dog" any longer, but are now secondary to a wife and children. So they hold on to the idea that they should still get to host all family events, that they should get input into how their son's family lives and how their grandchildren are raised, and that their sons should prioritize them above the wife and family. My MIL still can't get over the fact that her precious little boy (who is almost 40) is a married father and refuses to leave his family so that they can spend Christmas "just the two of them, just this once, like in the old days".

But are they really not a top dog in their son's eyes? At least at the beginning of the marriage? Isn't that why DIL starts the fight? Because, DH is spending times with his mom, because wife sees her husband paying attention to his mom, because he defends his mom from DW's criticism? Why do DILs insist on holding events? To show their supremacy, that is what I think.

[Anonymous]

I have never seen a MIL who thinks her son should prioritize her over his kids, over his wife, maybe, but not kids. Most grandmas I know, put their grand kids above their own kids. But, I am not from US, so who knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have never seen a MIL who thinks her son should prioritize her over his kids, over his wife, maybe, but not kids. Most grandmas I know, put their grand kids above their own kids. But, I am not from US, so who knows.

Some MILs have a hard time being replaced and having no place once their kids are gone, married or not.

But most moms know that this is a normal stage in life (empty nest) and don't take it out on their DIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Not a MIL and don't have a MIL, the way I read all the posts here is that DILs are constantly nit picking, pulling apart every single word and action of their MILs. Ok, so it is not sexual, but it is a competition for whom DH loves more, in the eyes of DILs. DILs are insecure, and as another pp pointed out, fighting for their place as top woman in the family. Hence posts about wanting to host events, and MILs being unhappy about it. Hence posts about MIL not changing DD's clothes one weekend, hence constant giving her my piece of mind posts. Some MILs might hate you, some might be insane, by but far it is my impression that DILs start nitpicking, never letting go of an issue and seeing wrong in any action. Hence proving to DH that she, his wife is better care giver, earner, housekeeper and any array of imagined acts she thinks she is being judged for, in hopes of alienating him from his mother. This is a dance as old as history of humans. DILs can't really help it for the most part. It is only as they grow older that they are able to relax about their place in the family. Hence this struggl is pretty normal. But, for most part MILs don't start it, they don't have to, they are top dog already, hence DILs start this dance.

You say many DILs are insecure, and that could be. I say many MILs have a hard time letting go of their "baby boys" and realizing that they are not, indeed, the "top dog" any longer, but are now secondary to a wife and children. So they hold on to the idea that they should still get to host all family events, that they should get input into how their son's family lives and how their grandchildren are raised, and that their sons should prioritize them above the wife and family. My MIL still can't get over the fact that her precious little boy (who is almost 40) is a married father and refuses to leave his family so that they can spend Christmas "just the two of them, just this once, like in the old days".

But are they really not a top dog in their son's eyes? At least at the beginning of the marriage? Isn't that why DIL starts the fight? Because, DH is spending times with his mom, because wife sees her husband paying attention to his mom, because he defends his mom from DW's criticism? Why do DILs insist on holding events? To show their supremacy, that is what I think.

Huh? You think most DIL/MIL conflicts are because the husband wants to occasionally see or pay attention to his mom? I've never seen a single thread like that on DCUM. Please link some if that's what you're seeing. I have literally never seen an example of what you're talking about, so I'm thinking you're just making this up.

Most threads have to do with conflicts involving established families with children/grandchildren, not newlyweds. DILs are wanting to host holidays at their own homes instead of traveling with young children, not to "show supremacy".