Shocked by friend

[Anonymous]

Let her know that unfortunately it’s hardwired into your brain to have a different “type” and that you’ve learned through experience that it’s never going to work for you to be with someone really different from that type, even as wonderful as she is as a friend. With the amount of time you’ve spent relying on her for emotional support, she may have believed that you had feelings for her too. I’ve had people that I had strong feelings for until I learned that they had a different type, if not through being told directly then through considering who they had been with in the past and ended up with in the future. I suspect that once she realizes your ideal is someone truly different from her, her feelings will die pretty quickly.

[Anonymous]

Problem is my ex before my wife is like my friend in that they have the same color hair and same type of figure so that won't work.
I don't get why someone said this is a wasted opportunity for me. Just because she is a lot younger, it doesn't mean I simply must be attracted to her based on that alone.
I do hope that by relying on her so much emotionally that she hasn't read more into my feelings.

[Anonymous]

You used her as an emotional crutch. You are an asshole.

[Anonymous]

I am not an asshole as I never suggested we had a future as a couple. I have hugged her but I do all my friends, make and female. I haven't led her on but the thought of is as anything more never crossed my mind. I know it would offend her if I said she was like a little sister to me but she is. I can't help not being attracted to her.

[Anonymous]

It's embarrassing for her that you do not reciprocate. Back off and give her space. Maybe she will find someone else and then you can be friends again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Problem is my ex before my wife is like my friend in that they have the same color hair and same type of figure so that won't work.
I don't get why someone said this is a wasted opportunity for me. Just because she is a lot younger, it doesn't mean I simply must be attracted to her based on that alone.
I do hope that by relying on her so much emotionally that she hasn't read more into my feelings.

Perhaps then you could say that you have never thought of her in a romantic way because of the large age difference between you, with you being old enough to be her father, or at least a much older brother. Say that the age difference is something you would never be able to get past (hopefully you didn’t have a similar age difference with an ex). Say that she’ll meet someone better and more appropriate for her age and be happy that she didn’t end up with you!

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately there was a 16 year age gap between me and ex partner so again, not going to work.
I am trying to be honest but don't want to hurt her feelings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's embarrassing for her that you do not reciprocate. Back off and give her space. Maybe she will find someone else and then you can be friends again.

This. Just back off. Let her back off if she wants. No need to explain anything to her. She understands that you aren't interested; don't go into long explanations of why. Just let it all play out as she wants. She'll be alright.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Problem is my ex before my wife is like my friend in that they have the same color hair and same type of figure so that won't work.
I don't get why someone said this is a wasted opportunity for me. Just because she is a lot younger, it doesn't mean I simply must be attracted to her based on that alone.
I do hope that by relying on her so much emotionally that she hasn't read more into my feelings.

Perhaps then you could say that you have never thought of her in a romantic way because of the large age difference between you, with you being old enough to be her father, or at least a much older brother. Say that the age difference is something you would never be able to get past (hopefully you didn’t have a similar age difference with an ex). Say that she’ll meet someone better and more appropriate for her age and be happy that she didn’t end up with you!

This is the right answer. This happened to me about 8 years ago (I was 58 and she was 35) and it's almost exactly what I said. Today, she is 43, happily married with 3 kids and we are still friends. She was and still is a beautiful woman and it took a lot of will power not to have fun for awhile. Too bad for me that she wasn't 45 at the time.

[Anonymous]

What about this was "shocking" to you? I'm not sure I understand.

I don't think I would give a detailed explanation. There's no reason for doing so, and it makes it bigger than it is -- details mean things to argue about, discuss, counter.

"Larla, I'm flattered by your interest. You are a lovely young woman. I just don't have romantic feelings for you. I hope we can still be friends, but if not I understand."

Boom. Done. And if she pushes it, you exit gracefully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's embarrassing for her that you do not reciprocate. Back off and give her space. Maybe she will find someone else and then you can be friends again.

+1. It's the least you can do after her giving her time and support to you during your difficult time.

[Anonymous]

It's shocking to me as I just didn't know she felt like that. Really did have no idea. Thought we both knew where we were with each other. Clearly not. Now I feel very bad as I have lost a friend and she is hurt.

[Anonymous]

No. Leave her alone.

[Anonymous]

Space. And time. You/she can always reevaluate and decide to go for it. Dial down the drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's embarrassing for her that you do not reciprocate. Back off and give her space. Maybe she will find someone else and then you can be friends again.

This. She misread you.