Am I terrible for going out of town when IL's are coming to visit?

[Anonymous]

Did you meet them before you married him? Did you know they were racist?

If so, what did you expect?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you meet them before you married him? Did you know they were racist?

If so, what did you expect?

They are very absent parents and even through they only lived a short drive away while DH and I were dating, I only saw them once over the course of 3-4 years. In between visits maybe they’d call on holidays so I never give it much thought. The racist ways revealed themselves after my children were born and look much more like me. The current political environment has made it much much worse.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they’re terrible for picking a weekend you won’t be around?

[Anonymous]

I bet for your DH it’s not at all that you have other plans as much as your plans are not to be there to back him up! He likely doesn’t want to have to be alone with them and is hoping you’ll come bail him out.

[Anonymous]

Op, if I didn't have plans that weekend, I would make them or pretend that I did.

[Anonymous]

You already made plans before they announced their visit. Enough said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, if I didn't have plans that weekend, I would make them or pretend that I did.

+1

[Anonymous]

As the old saying goes, it takes two to tango.

I'm sure there's another side to this story and your in-laws' views may very well not be what you're claiming. But as it is your thread and we only know what you tell us, in this case you don't like the in-laws, you don't want to be around them, and so go to the birthday weekend and don't feel guilty. I'm quite confident they don't want you around either.

[Anonymous]

Another agreement that even if you didn't like them, you should still keep your commitment to your friend - that would be a super rude move as a friend to cancel. That was incredibly rude of your ILs to just announce that they are coming without running the dates by your family.

Your DH should buck up with the plan and let them know, "The kids and I are looking forward to seeing you, but Larla had already made plans that weekend for a friend's birthday. She, obviously, can't change that now since it's been on the calendar for a while. Hopefully next time we can all check our calendars before figuring out a date for a visit."

[Anonymous]

PP above - sorry even if you *did* like them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another agreement that even if you didn't like them, you should still keep your commitment to your friend - that would be a super rude move as a friend to cancel. That was incredibly rude of your ILs to just announce that they are coming without running the dates by your family.

Your DH should buck up with the plan and let them know, "The kids and I are looking forward to seeing you, but Larla had already made plans that weekend for a friend's birthday. She, obviously, can't change that now since it's been on the calendar for a while. Hopefully next time we can all check our calendars before figuring out a date for a visit."

This. Even if you loved your in-laws, bailing on your friend would be rude. They didn't ask if the dates worked for you before announcing their visit, so they can hardly complain that you already have plans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you meet them before you married him? Did you know they were racist?

If so, what did you expect?

I hate it when people say things like this. Yes, the parents and family are part of the package, but did you really expect her to not marry the man she loved and felt she was meant to spend her life with (presumably because his parents -- whom she might see sometimes and may or may not have had involvement in their lives-- are racist?

[Anonymous]

DH might just be reacting because the visits are hard on him too. Or he might feel pressure to explain your absence. To be clear, neither of these things obligates you to stick around. You are entitled to have your plans and to stick to them. He also needs to have his boundaries about what he will and will not tolerate from his family and stick to those. It's tough, and, while you can certainly be empathetic, it's not your job to fix his relationship with his family or any stress he may feel around that. Also, someone else's anger/irritation is never a requirement that you act to ease their feelings.