Playing "dumb and cheery/happy" with in laws

[Anonymous]

My parents are the problem in our lives, not my IL's. Over time we simply have been spending less time with them regardless of their whining. It is not worth dealing with all of their drama that they create. When we are together my DH says very little even though I know he is seething inside. Deep down I think he is worried that some day I will turn into my mother.

[Anonymous]

I'm dumb and cheery and just focus on the kids. I just am not going to fight it out over Fox news. We don't have that much to talk about and lead pretty different lives so I talk a lot about dogs and kids, which are safe topics.

I have a new brother in law (married DH's sister) and I'm pretty sure he feels the same way, but I'm not yet feeling like I can open up to him. It would be great to have an ally though. I'm pretty sure he's BSing too and is dumb and cheery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:See them less

Don’t discuss anything at all. You don’t talk unless spoken to, and then you act cheerful about everything that is said.

If you do say anything, it’s only regarding your immediate surroundings (e.g., weather, food you’re eating).

You don’t ask them questions or show interest in their lives or try to connect. You say very little.

This defies everything I’ve ever known about how to be a good guest, but it works with my in laws.

That last line is why it's so hard. I was raised with way more politeness than I show my in laws. But it's been beaten out of me over the years. I do worry I've lost a bit of my manners, but do make a conscious effort when at other gatherings to use my skills.

But all of these things are how I cope. I sometimes fail on the "cheery" part because my MIL can suck the fun out of a joyous day, but I do my best to be be calm, kind and non-confrontational.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The dumb is another way of saying “disengaged.” This advice doesn’t work for ILs who are openly hostile, but for most families passive aggression is how people are mean to one another in person. That means that the literal words they said are not hurtful, only the context and subtext make it hurtful or critical.

The advice to “act dumb” is another way of saying that you should be deliberately obtuse and refuse to see/hear/acknowledge any negative subtext. It robs the passive agressor of their power, because PA is meant to hurt your feelings while maintaining plausible deniability (“All I said was...”). If you refuse to respond to the subtext, then one of two things will happen: they will stand there and look baffled and the conversation moves on, or they will escalate into open hostility and reveal themselves. In the first case, it keeps things pleasant enough that your kids and spouse can enjoy time with these family members even if you don’t. In the second case, it may ruin the event but in such a way that you are not viewed as the bad guy. If you go the traditional route of responding to each PA comment, you run into situations where YOU look like the jerk.

The “cheery” part is again about managing how YOU look to your spouse, kids and other family members. If you give flat or grumpy sounding responses then it seems plausible that you may be antagonizing the problem IL. If you are consistently a ray of sunshine, then the problem IL looks like they are insane when they take umbrage at your *perfectly innocent* reply ro their literal questions/comments.

So:

“What an interesting dress.”
Responding to subtext: “What is that supposed to mean?”
Responding to literal meaning: “Oh thanks! It’s really fun, isn’t it?”

You’re still giving Larla breast milk?
Responding to subtext: “Our pediatrician says it’s fine and please don’t question our choices.”
Responding to literal meaning: “Yep.”

You are so lucky to have a husband who makes dinner every Friday. How nice of him to slave over a hot stove every single week. I always had dinner on the table when I was raising my kids.
Responding to subtext: “Just because you were a slave to your children doesn’t mean it’s right.”
Responding to literal meaning: “Really? What did you like to cook?”

This is exactly how you do it. In fact, this is what I did last Christmas. My ILs could have died. In the weeks after the holiday, they tried to tell my dh about how I was the problem, but they couldn't come up with any real examples of what I had done or said that was a problem, because they were the ones being assholes and I didn't take the bait. My responses didn't feed into their nastiness. For example, my sil grabbed my dd's reborn-like babydoll and went on and on about how ugly the doll was and she couldn't believe that someone (me) would waste their money on such a horrible looking thing and kept saying, "Oh my God, who actually paid money for this trash!?". All of this in front of my dd who still believes in Santa. Yes, she is a miserable bitch. My response was this:. Oh, I just think she's the cutest babydoll I've ever seen. You know, I actually think she looks uncannily similar to dd. Dd just loves her so much. Santa got it perfect this time, with my help of course!

Though it was grating that night, I feel accomplished and so good about how I handled myself to this day. It's almost like it reset the course of my relationship with them. Before I never responded to the snubs and other negativity now I'm sure they don't want to be put on the spot like that so they avoid me, which is great.

Your poor DD. What a bitch.

[Anonymous]

I am usually sarcastic and talkative naturally so when we visit the ILs and i am more quiet or just polite, my DH sees it as me 'not being myself' and as a dis to his parents.
Never mind that anytime I am "myself" they take offense as say I talk too much, am too prying (just asking about weekend plans, movies they have seen etc). Even being nice and not overly open, they complain and feel I talk too little, don't ask enough about their lives, seem distant. You really can't win.
I have just learned to grin and pretend I am having the best time of my life. The kids moderately enjoy visiting them so I try to make it fun for them at least.

[Anonymous]

I keep conversations light and shallow, and divert if anything gets serious or they bring up a topic I don't wish to discuss. "Oh, that's interesting! Hey, how's [random distant cousin residing in different country] doing, didn't she just have a new baby?" "Really? We'll have to think about that one." I also do not and will not visit without my husband present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am usually sarcastic and talkative naturally so when we visit the ILs and i am more quiet or just polite, my DH sees it as me 'not being myself' and as a dis to his parents.
Never mind that anytime I am "myself" they take offense as say I talk too much, am too prying (just asking about weekend plans, movies they have seen etc). Even being nice and not overly open, they complain and feel I talk too little, don't ask enough about their lives, seem distant. You really can't win.
I have just learned to grin and pretend I am having the best time of my life. The kids moderately enjoy visiting them so I try to make it fun for them at least.

Yeah, you can't win sometimes. I went through this issue, and my husband found fault with me. One minute I was "too familiar," the next minute I was "too distant." His issue was that he was desperate to please these people you can't please, and he was stuck in his horrible family dynamic, fighting me as the outsider. I had learned to do what everyone here suggests, and it's the only sane way to deal with these kinds of people. Eventually, he got therapy and saw the light, and now he has my back and has learned to deal with his family this way, too. We're a lot happier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am usually sarcastic and talkative naturally so when we visit the ILs and i am more quiet or just polite, my DH sees it as me 'not being myself' and as a dis to his parents.
Never mind that anytime I am "myself" they take offense as say I talk too much, am too prying (just asking about weekend plans, movies they have seen etc). Even being nice and not overly open, they complain and feel I talk too little, don't ask enough about their lives, seem distant. You really can't win.
I have just learned to grin and pretend I am having the best time of my life. The kids moderately enjoy visiting them so I try to make it fun for them at least.

Oh geez. Yes, this is me too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I keep conversations light and shallow, and divert if anything gets serious or they bring up a topic I don't wish to discuss. "Oh, that's interesting! Hey, how's [random distant cousin residing in different country] doing, didn't she just have a new baby?" "Really? We'll have to think about that one." I also do not and will not visit without my husband present.

No no no-you don’t ask questions or show any interest. That is not in alignment with happy and dumb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I keep conversations light and shallow, and divert if anything gets serious or they bring up a topic I don't wish to discuss. "Oh, that's interesting! Hey, how's [random distant cousin residing in different country] doing, didn't she just have a new baby?" "Really? We'll have to think about that one." I also do not and will not visit without my husband present.

No no no-you don’t ask questions or show any interest. That is not in alignment with happy and dumb.

I dunno. For me, getting them talking about something I know they will go on and on about (because a conversation about the cousin will inevitably lead to them talking about other cousins, etc etc) and off a topic I don't want to discuss via a totally obscure question is a great diversion tactic!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am usually sarcastic and talkative naturally so when we visit the ILs and i am more quiet or just polite, my DH sees it as me 'not being myself' and as a dis to his parents.
Never mind that anytime I am "myself" they take offense as say I talk too much, am too prying (just asking about weekend plans, movies they have seen etc). Even being nice and not overly open, they complain and feel I talk too little, don't ask enough about their lives, seem distant. You really can't win.
I have just learned to grin and pretend I am having the best time of my life. The kids moderately enjoy visiting them so I try to make it fun for them at least.

Oh geez. Yes, this is me too.

Me, too. I also get, "How can you not LOVE my parents? EVERYONE loves my parents!".

[Anonymous]

I was just talking about this with a friend. Thankfully, my DH understands and supports my stance. I just got to a point, after years of the treatment you described in your OP, where I just have no feelings for my ILs. I’m just so neutral. I’m no longer mad, or happy. I’m just... nothing. I go along for my DH, but there is nothing there. I’m not affected by them in any way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you do this? I've read this advice before when people (including myself) talk about drama with in laws such as passive aggressiveness, comments about their spending too much time with "my" family, must be nice to travel so much, etc. Or even outright rude comments or actions such as not acknowledging me, talking behind my back or doing something hurtful and not acknowledging it, etc. Can you give examples of how to act "dumb and cheery"? What do you say or do when these examples I've described occur?

Daughter's inlaws were so toxic and excluding that over time she just began to resent the fact that her husband just let it happen. Of course the marriage collapsed, but it was, IMO, because of him more than them. Yes, they were total nightmares, but he was the facilitator. Trouble is, she saw this before they married and thought it would get better...it did not. Bottom line, your DH shares the responsibility for any bad behavior towards you from his family. People will say that you alone can be respinsible for your own behavior, but if there is relentless bullying, passive aggressive behavior, and exclusion, you should not have to put up with it.

[Anonymous]

My in laws aren’t toxic but my MIL is easily offended by inexplicable things and her preferred means of communication is passive aggression.

Here’s the thing, OP, when someone doesn’t come out and say something, you can pretend you don’t notice. I don’t do passive aggression, so I ignore the butthurt and respond literally. She can’t fault my reactions so I don’t have to put our relationship at risk, since she is very good to the kids.

Plus it’s kind of fun to observe her frustration.