Guilt: Teen is everything I can’t stand

[Anonymous]

OP, hugs.

As a mom who is raising two teenage girls I know it can be hard. What i notice in my relations, every single thing that I don't like in my daughters is like a magnified fault of myself. I sometimes inpatient, and it is like 10 times worth in one of my daughters. I usually taking it as a sign to change myself, and believe it or not, but by working on my own faults, I am noticing that my relations with my daughters are improving. Kids are so often copying the behavior that we are modeling for them, even if we don't realize that. I am very often don't even see certain behavior traits in myself, until i notice it in one of my daughters and then ask myself: is this how I act? And very often, the answer is yes.

I learned that the only way to change them is to model the behavior you want them to adopt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, hugs.

As a mom who is raising two teenage girls I know it can be hard. What i notice in my relations, every single thing that I don't like in my daughters is like a magnified fault of myself. I sometimes inpatient, and it is like 10 times worth in one of my daughters. I usually taking it as a sign to change myself, and believe it or not, but by working on my own faults, I am noticing that my relations with my daughters are improving. Kids are so often copying the behavior that we are modeling for them, even if we don't realize that. I am very often don't even see certain behavior traits in myself, until i notice it in one of my daughters and then ask myself: is this how I act? And very often, the answer is yes.

I learned that the only way to change them is to model the behavior you want them to adopt.

There Ian so much wisdom here. OP whenever she is irritating you, annoying you etc, ask yourself what her behavior says about YOU.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I literally discussed sending our 14 year old DS to boarding school this weekend. He has become an out of control and disruptive terror to the house...I never know what will set him off. Solidarity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I literally discussed sending our 14 year old DS to boarding school this weekend. He has become an out of control and disruptive terror to the house...I never know what will set him off. Solidarity.

We DID send our 15 year old to boarding school for a year. She wasn't completely different when she came home but a LOT easier to live with. Now, as a married young mom, she's usually a delight to be around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I literally discussed sending our 14 year old DS to boarding school this weekend. He has become an out of control and disruptive terror to the house...I never know what will set him off. Solidarity.

Ditto

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I literally discussed sending our 14 year old DS to boarding school this weekend. He has become an out of control and disruptive terror to the house...I never know what will set him off. Solidarity.

Ditto

Same here! What happened to my sweet little boy? i see glimpse of him every now and then but not often enough. I've also got a 13 yo and an 11 yo. They're nothing like their older brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I literally discussed sending our 14 year old DS to boarding school this weekend. He has become an out of control and disruptive terror to the house...I never know what will set him off. Solidarity.

That will help. LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I literally discussed sending our 14 year old DS to boarding school this weekend. He has become an out of control and disruptive terror to the house...I never know what will set him off. Solidarity.

You should seriously consider it. I was talking with another dad not long ago when DS's basketball team played a boarding school team from VA. He was telling me that he loved boarding school when he was a kid because the rules were clear cut and consistently enforced. Not a perspective that I'd heard before, but I bet many teens would be happier.

[Anonymous]

re boarding school, when my 15 y.o. was 13 she was so difficult, and I started to think about boarding school but I didn't know how to get her to take her ISEE again or how to get her to go! Not like I could throw her on the bus!

At one point, she had taken off after dark; thank goodness for the 'find my iphone' feature). I was in this dark park with her, and calmly told her she cannot run off at night like that, but I get it, she felt trapped, and I didn't want her to feel trapped. I told her I wasn't normally a fan of boarding school, but it was clear that I wasn't cutting it, so it would be something we could consider so she didn't feel trapped.

Anyways we worked on it and it's much better now; I think reminding a teen (and ourselves!) that it's not forever, and letting a teen feel they are not trapped, helps.

And that book, "yes your teen is crazy!" best DCUM rec ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Politically? How?

Why should it matter? According to DCUM, I’m sure it would be great if the daughter were on the liberal side of the OP’s views. If she’s on the conservative side, it would be Oh no, OP, you need to fix her views right away!!

SMH.

EXACTLY.

+100

[Anonymous]

A very wise dad of four and swim coach who has hired a lot of teens over the years once told me you can't make judgments about who would be a good employee/coach on past behavior because Teens change Soooooo fast. Who they were at 14 may not be at all relevant by 16. Keep that in mind as you persevere. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Uh, I just said this to my DH today. Our 15 y.o. teen DDs is so difficult! She was soo b*tchy to me today. And our other DD is so sweet; ok, she's only 13, but hey when the older one was 13 she was from hell. She's actually better now at 15.

I don't know why it is that some teens are so difficult. But when my 15 y.o. DD is NOT being difficult, she's really wonderful. So I look at that as light at the end of the tunnel.

The thing that gets me through is I'll think, "just relax, 3.5 more years and she'll be in college." It's the only way I can hold it together.

I wonder if there is some connection between deep social/philosophical thinking and difficulty (drama). Because my older DD has a really interesting mind and thinks about lots of issues in depth; she's really fun to talk with. But when she's horrid, it's like the worst lawyer you ever met. In contrast, my younger DD is sort of a factual or concrete thinker, e.g. "I saw 3 hawks today" and her response to "how was your day" is "good!" I was thinking the math/science types might be easier to raise.

hmm. I might start a post and ask parents of adult kids about this!

You control the checkbook and the vehicle(s), basically, you control her entire life. There is nothing she can do to you that you don't allow to happen. She is bitchy because you accept bitchy from her and there is no downside to that behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:re boarding school, when my 15 y.o. was 13 she was so difficult, and I started to think about boarding school but I didn't know how to get her to take her ISEE again or how to get her to go! Not like I could throw her on the bus!

At one point, she had taken off after dark; thank goodness for the 'find my iphone' feature). I was in this dark park with her, and calmly told her she cannot run off at night like that, but I get it, she felt trapped, and I didn't want her to feel trapped. I told her I wasn't normally a fan of boarding school, but it was clear that I wasn't cutting it, so it would be something we could consider so she didn't feel trapped.

Anyways we worked on it and it's much better now; I think reminding a teen (and ourselves!) that it's not forever, and letting a teen feel they are not trapped, helps.

And that book, "yes your teen is crazy!" best DCUM rec ever.

There are employees who come from a boarding school to pick up the non-compliant teen...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love DD. But she is all I can’t stand attitude wise, politically, socially, and value-wise. I guess this is a teen’s job. But I am constantly cringing and diassapointed.

I want to know that I’m not alone and that this improves. =(

I'm pretty sure she feels the same way about you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel your pain, OP. I felt this way about my daughter from age 12 to about age 25, not because of her politics but because she was rude, entitled and not interested in anything but social dynamics, as far as I could tell. She's grown up to be a really nice person and a good friend. Hang in there.

thank you for this. There's hope. I have a very difficult 13 yr old girl