Anyone successful in changing up IL vacations?

[Anonymous]

Money is pretty tight for us and with our kids still very young we are happy to visit my IL's vacation home for a week each winter. They have a pool, live a few houses from the beach and have a great layout for guests with kids. At some point I know we'd like to do our own thing. Fortunately, I really like my IL's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you splitting the costs? If so, do your own thing. From my perspective, we were a busy family and my DH traveled a great deal. I wanted vacations to be only US. Vacationing with other people involves so much compromise.

OP here. We pay a portion of the trip, mostly because they know it's "their" vacation and we wouldn't spend money on this type of trip otherwise. We did insist on paying for the difference between their "regular" size condo and a more spacious one that actually fits our growing family. (When we were engaged or married, just the two of us, we didn't mind a bit of cramming, but once the kids came along, we were over the sardine treatment.) So we have some skin in the game, but they are paying for most of it. We are 100% willing to pay for our own way for a different type of trip, and they know that.

Thank you all for the advice and perspective! DH is going to talk to them using some of these points.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you splitting the costs? If so, do your own thing. From my perspective, we were a busy family and my DH traveled a great deal. I wanted vacations to be only US. Vacationing with other people involves so much compromise.

Wait- are other people getting free trips from inlaws?! If so, I'm jealous. That's my #1 deterrent to these trips. They're costly and I don't get a say.

I’ve vacatiked with my inlaws and my parents. Our relationships are rather tense. They know the kids can’t go without a parent, and they know I don’t really want to vacation with them. If I had to pay full price I wouldn’t go. Both sets of grandparents are very well off, whereas DH and I are young with 4 kids and we do ok, but not enough for lavish vacations or vacations we don’t want to go to. So basically if they want the kids to vacation with them, they subsidize our costs. If money were no object, aka if I were dcum rich rather than normal US middle class, we’d probably pay for the vacations. We do contribute points for hotels if we have enough compatible points (DH travels a lot for work).

[Anonymous]

Does everyone really vacation with parents? We have traveled maybe 5 times in 20 years with my ILs or parents. (Actually exactly 4 times - to spend Easter at a beach and once with my mother to her hometown) We usually visit them at their homes and take our vacations as our own immediate family.

[Anonymous]

Well, we told my MIL that she could not join us on a family trip. Created an enormous family uproar. Intercontinental uproar. I'm surprised y'all haven't already heard about it.

Totally worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you splitting the costs? If so, do your own thing. From my perspective, we were a busy family and my DH traveled a great deal. I wanted vacations to be only US. Vacationing with other people involves so much compromise.

Wait- are other people getting free trips from inlaws?! If so, I'm jealous. That's my #1 deterrent to these trips. They're costly and I don't get a say.

Yes, we have frequently vacationed with both my family and DH's family. Both sets pay for the majority of the trip. As PP mentioned, it's their way of ensuring we all want to go!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, we told my MIL that she could not join us on a family trip. Created an enormous family uproar. Intercontinental uproar. I'm surprised y'all haven't already heard about it.

Totally worth it.

+1

LOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does everyone really vacation with parents? We have traveled maybe 5 times in 20 years with my ILs or parents. (Actually exactly 4 times - to spend Easter at a beach and once with my mother to her hometown) We usually visit them at their homes and take our vacations as our own immediate family.

+1

Thank you. It's called a "vacation", and if the ILs aren't that great to us the rest of the year, WTF do I need to "vacation" with them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you splitting the costs? If so, do your own thing. From my perspective, we were a busy family and my DH traveled a great deal. I wanted vacations to be only US. Vacationing with other people involves so much compromise.

Wait- are other people getting free trips from inlaws?! If so, I'm jealous. That's my #1 deterrent to these trips. They're costly and I don't get a say.

I’ve vacatiked with my inlaws and my parents. Our relationships are rather tense. They know the kids can’t go without a parent, and they know I don’t really want to vacation with them. If I had to pay full price I wouldn’t go. Both sets of grandparents are very well off, whereas DH and I are young with 4 kids and we do ok, but not enough for lavish vacations or vacations we don’t want to go to. So basically if they want the kids to vacation with them, they subsidize our costs. If money were no object, aka if I were dcum rich rather than normal US middle class, we’d probably pay for the vacations. We do contribute points for hotels if we have enough compatible points (DH travels a lot for work).

Do they go on cool international excursions and take you? Wow, I'd put up with a little crap for that, maybe.....otherwise, no thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Money is pretty tight for us and with our kids still very young we are happy to visit my IL's vacation home for a week each winter. They have a pool, live a few houses from the beach and have a great layout for guests with kids. At some point I know we'd like to do our own thing. Fortunately, I really like my IL's.

Wow, this sounds like a really nice experience, and they sound like wonderful hosts!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you splitting the costs? If so, do your own thing. From my perspective, we were a busy family and my DH traveled a great deal. I wanted vacations to be only US. Vacationing with other people involves so much compromise.

Wait- are other people getting free trips from inlaws?! If so, I'm jealous. That's my #1 deterrent to these trips. They're costly and I don't get a say.

That, and OBX gets old after well, year one. Plus, we have so little time off, we like to mix it up a little. OP, you are more diplomatic than I. Are they reasonable people - do they hear what other people say, even if it is not in agreement? I know some stubborn old people, but it seems like you have nice, kind, generous and fun ILs, so you shouldn't have a problem.

Whatever. Some people love OBX. We love it, our kids love it, but we also want them to see other places in the country (and outside the country) so DH & I agreed between us (nobody is footing our vacations, we do one with my siblings and parents like every 5 years) that we alternate OBX one year and someplace else the next.

OP - maybe your ILs would be open to sharing their "tried and true" every other year and you can pick whatever you want & go without them the alternate years.

I'd be fine alternating on their choice IF we had our own vacation time, but we don't. Heck, I'd be fine alternating, period. But every year, going to the same old place, with so few options, and so little to do? That is no favor and no vacation. I think the idea of "vacation", is to have something, as a nuclear family, to look forward to. Same crap year after year, with people who don't bother with their nearby family the rest of the year? Yeah, no. The ILs basically have all opted out, for the same reason. But "whatever", act like it's me, pleasant PP - I'm sure you are a hoot to vacation with. LOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you splitting the costs? If so, do your own thing. From my perspective, we were a busy family and my DH traveled a great deal. I wanted vacations to be only US. Vacationing with other people involves so much compromise.

Wait- are other people getting free trips from inlaws?! If so, I'm jealous. That's my #1 deterrent to these trips. They're costly and I don't get a say.

That, and OBX gets old after well, year one. Plus, we have so little time off, we like to mix it up a little. OP, you are more diplomatic than I. Are they reasonable people - do they hear what other people say, even if it is not in agreement? I know some stubborn old people, but it seems like you have nice, kind, generous and fun ILs, so you shouldn't have a problem.

Whatever. Some people love OBX. We love it, our kids love it, but we also want them to see other places in the country (and outside the country) so DH & I agreed between us (nobody is footing our vacations, we do one with my siblings and parents like every 5 years) that we alternate OBX one year and someplace else the next.

OP - maybe your ILs would be open to sharing their "tried and true" every other year and you can pick whatever you want & go without them the alternate years.

I'd be fine alternating on their choice IF we had our own vacation time, but we don't. Heck, I'd be fine alternating, period. But every year, going to the same old place, with so few options, and so little to do? That is no favor and no vacation. I think the idea of "vacation", is to have something, as a nuclear family, to look forward to. Same crap year after year, with people who don't bother with their nearby family the rest of the year? Yeah, no. The ILs basically have all opted out, for the same reason. But "whatever", act like it's me, pleasant PP - I'm sure you are a hoot to vacation with. LOL.

The above is not OP.

I am OP.

We are leaning toward 2-3 days at the beach and then a few days on our own.

[Anonymous]

I think it's perfectly reasonable to opt out completely next year. It's a conversation your DH should have:

"Hey, mom and dad. You should just book the condo next year for you all and not the bigger one that holds us, too. We've been wanting to go to XX and with our limited vacation days and funds, we're not able to do both and this is important to us. We're in for 2019 though!"

And then just get into an every other year pattern and if that's still too much, drop it down further (in duration or frequency) as life does get busier when kids get older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does everyone really vacation with parents? We have traveled maybe 5 times in 20 years with my ILs or parents. (Actually exactly 4 times - to spend Easter at a beach and once with my mother to her hometown) We usually visit them at their homes and take our vacations as our own immediate family.

Yes that's the thing. Parents and inlaws both want us to vacation with them at least 4x a year. I think it's part of treating us like children still versus adults and it's also partly because they have all this free time now as empty nesters. They were jealous of the 3-4x a year international vacations that DH and I took in our 20s. Now that we have young children though, we have zero annual leave (because of maternity leaves) and less money. Our parents are desperate to spend their vacations with their grandchildren, but we can't afford it (mostly the no annual leave). No one offers to pay for us though and I'm not sure it would make a difference if they did.

My parents choose super fun destinations (Turkey, Normandy, Morocco) and we will go with them on those. Spending a week at Atlantic City or OBX with my inlaws in a dirty condo from the 1960s is a no go. Just can't waste my LWOP or annual leave on that.

[Anonymous]

Every year we have done the FL vacation with the IL's. It's also my parents favorite vacation spot. I have been going to FL since I was in the womb. My parents are planning to retire there. I am OVER Florida. I was determined to do something different and the key to that was finding a place they were all enthusiastic about going. I have always wanted to see Alaska. I was able to talk them into going on a cruise this year. Everyone is very excited. First year in my life I will not go to FL.