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Infants, Toddlers, & Preschoolers
Out of patience - out of discipline ideas - and stressed out
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Anonymous
| FWIW, I have challenging kids and work, and it's definitely not easier than staying home (did that too.) It's not necessarily harder; just different challenges. But for me, the challenges of juggling work with a hard-to-discipline 5yo and a high-needs little one are a better fit for my personality than the challenges of managing them at home all day. Also fwiw, I found that their developmental needs were better met by having other caretakers some of the time than by being with me 24/7. I felt very heroic staying home - but realized that they did more stimulating activities at school and spent less time at the mall / running errands / watching TV while I tried to manage the house hold stuff. I'm not advocating that you go back to work per se - it's certainly not right for every family, and it definitely makes a difference to have an interesting, flexible position - but it's something to consider throwing into the mix if you are really miserable. |
Anonymous
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Your kids are at a REALLY tough age! Don't get down on yourself for feeling exhausted and worn out right now. My guess is that you're pretty much at the peak period of difficulty. Any chance you could find a high school aged girl to come help out for a few hours in the afternoons -- maybe 4-6 pm or so? Just to occupy the kids or take them outside to play while you get a break? It can help A LOT and isn't as expensive as a full-on adult babysitter.
In the meantime, I've heard great things about the PEP classes. Just be sure to have DH come with you, even if it means getting a babysitter for the kids!! It's so important that he knows how to back you up when he's home (evenings/mornings/weekends), and perhaps even more important, that he understands the challenges you're dealing with day in and day out and can listen/encourage you supportively. I've seen many SAHM friends struggle to be understood/"heard" by their working husbands when they vent about these issues, and it only makes everything worse. So having your husband by your side participating in the classes might be helpful. Finally, on the issue of support, do you have friends you can vent to and commiserate with? It's so important for you to realize that you're not alone on this. And trust me, you're NOT!  For every rude and judgmental poster on this board, there are 20+ of us who completely get it.
Hang in there and good luck!
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Anonymous
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OP: The truth is I just feel really guilty this isn't working out the way I thought it would but don't want to give up either. I'm not so conceited to think others couldn't do my job with my kids just as well if not better but I feel obligated to do this for them, plus I SHOULD be able to do it. I've been through tons of hard things and this should be doable. I'm not a quitter. The crazy thing is my DH comes home, the house is clean, the children have done all their therapy/lessons, we've been to playground, my son to pre-school in AM's (just began yesterday), the laundry is done, his dry cleaning is picked up, dinner's ready, my MIL has been called, gifts for Bdays purchased, kids are happy.....but I'm a WRECK! What the F is wrong with this picture? That's why I do think it is me.
Maybe it is a matter of getting more help. We live on an island (translation: NO family in area) and so far no luck finding sitters thru conventional means (e.g, church, school, etc). UGH. |
Anonymous
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OP, you may have already thought of this so forgive me if this seems obvious (or stupid for that matter) but have you ever watched SuperNanny? She has some very practical suggestions for families facing the kinds of issues you are.
Good luck! |
Anonymous
Interesting you bring that up. Almost all of my friends are teachers, super patient, and just seem to be better at this stuff. So, I end up feeling I can't always really vent without sounding like a complete failure. I know my friends would not think that of me, its just I seem to be the only one strugglng at this level in my immediate circle. My parents are pretty distant from us (emotionally and geographically) so they unfortunately don't really help. |
Anonymous
That's just how they are in public. There isn't a parent on the planet who hasn't had a day like yours (or more accurately, many days like yours). It's hard. For everybody. |
Anonymous
OP, this is one of the best summaries I've read on DCUM in a long time. I think you are speaking for a lot of us, WMs and SAHMs. WHERE ARE THE DHs IN ALL OF THIS??? Oh, I know. At. Work. Concentrating on one thing all day (their job) that brings them not only income but also massive ego strokes, interesting discussions/ issues/ problems to solve (as opposed to -- how will I get everything done that I need to do and still get to the dry cleaner before it closes?), etc. etc. Please know that even though it feels like you live on an island, you're not alone. |
Anonymous
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About a year ago, I realized that child development isn't linear. IOW, they do some sh!t at two, then you resolve it, then they do it again at four. WTF? Deal with it again. It's not you, it's just how they are.
Also, let your house get messy- I work on this hourly. If you have friends that judge- dump them. I'm not throwing stones, I work daily on following my own advice. GL. |
Anonymous
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OP, I totally feel you. You are not alone and as you can see from the responses, a lot of others feel you, too. You definitely need a break. I've got 3 kids under the age of 6, work full time and have a good husband. Two of my kids have developmental delays, nothing extreme but they do require therapy. We, too, have no family in the area and it's only recently that I 'broke down' and got a mothers helper. It's a 12 year old boy who comes over to play with the kids for $5/hr. The house is clean but no where near as tidy or organized as it should be and the only reason laundry is always done is because my 3 year old's pull up gets saturated every single night and his bed has to get stripped every morning. That doesn't mean the laundry gets put away - that's a different job - but at least it's clean.
But, like I said above, you need a break. Whatever the reasons are that you stay home, everyone needs a break. You're working 24/7. Who can sustain that for very long? I can take a day or two off work and have the house to myself while the kids are at daycare. I revel in it! I need a month of days like that but don't have the leave. You need something like that, too, and on a regular basis to get your balance back. Call up some of the commercial centers near you and see if they take short term kids. Through work, I get back up child care so I know some centers that do it. You have to take care of yourself before you can really take care of everyone else! |
Anonymous
That is a lot you wrote down. If I did all that I would be a wreck too. Maybe you are trying too hard to get everything done? Try care.com for a sitter. |
Anonymous
| OP - I felt like that yesterday & I only looked after them from 3pm onwards (my 2 & 4 year olds are in full-day preschool). It is intense at this age. So when DH came home half an hour before bedtime, I told him it was his turn & went upstairs to lie down. Just 20 minutes, but it REALLY helped!! And it's good for him to learn how to deal with it & appreciate how difficult it can be. I'm an ex-teacher, so I can tell you that 2 & 4 year olds can be just as tough (if not more so) than a class full of older ones! Stay positive! |
Anonymous
Your friends who are teachers have had the benefit of disciplining kids that they don't have that powerful connection to like their own kids. They aren't naturally better; they just have more experience. I think that helps a lot. It's easier to see how to set limits with kids who are not related to you and who can't push your buttons in the same way your own kids can. I'm wondering -- they might welcome the opportunity to help you. Maybe they can see you're struggling and would love to help out but are hesitant to do so, because they fear how it would be received. That's only a guess. I know I'm reading a lot into your few sentences. But it is something you may want to consider. |
Anonymous
| Have you ever read Alfie Kohn's book - Unconditional Parenting. Your post reminded me of what he says in the beginning. He says, a lot of people make a comment, like it's not rocket science to make a comparison to something really difficult. He said people should be saying, it's not parenting. His point is that parenting is very difficult, and it is so hard to manage in your circumstances. I have a 1.5 year old and a 3.5 year old, and it is tough. My dh said something similar to you just the other day - nothing works, I think I should just be hitting them as part of discipline. Luckily though, we've talked about it, and he agrees and knows better, and he also always makes the comment, you just can't hit them, they are so little, it would be very easy to hurt them. So anyway, go easier on yourself. Don't sweat the small stuff, try to turn around frustrating moments with a big dose of humour when you can. And definiitely let up on the chores some. |
Anonymous
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I hate to admit this, but this is one of the reasons why I love my home daycare provider. I am always amazed at the behavior of all of the kids and the respectful habits she is teaching them, which spill over into our home. She is an experienced mom to 5 children of her own who are well behaved, respectful, and get good grades. I don't know how she does it, but I really think she has a gift. I could not imagine what kind of behavior would be going on if I were home iwth DS all day long. The please, the thank you, and the your welcome's are not missed by him. He corrects my manners! He knows hitting is bad and does not do it because it is not tolerated, for even a second at daycare. I'm afraid Kindergarden will be a huge wake-up call for him and his fellow graduates of this particuar daycare because violence is simply not a part of their day.
Although, I can appreciate a parent's concern for "optimal development" by being at home all day with the children, I have to say that in my case, having a class act daycare provider has been wonderful for my son's development and I in the process have learned so much about how far consistency, calm, and patience can take you in your ability to parent effectively. |
Anonymous
| Read "The Good Mom Myth" by Alyson Schafer. Changed my perspective on things... |