My ex sent me a card today

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's about if you want to be a good husband
Does she want to be a good wife
To make it work you both - independently - need to be of the mindset that you want marriage. I don't understand what there is to argue about. That's not normal. Some couples are just in a continuous loop of drama and wanting attention. Is that you?

No it’s not. My ex pointed out how I never grieved properly and she knew this was affecting kid relationship. Also, she believes I have trust issues. My ex cheated on me around the same time my mother was diagnosed with cancer. We broke up and I moved home to help my father out. I automatically went into autopilot and went numb for a long time. I was numb until I met her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's about if you want to be a good husband
Does she want to be a good wife
To make it work you both - independently - need to be of the mindset that you want marriage. I don't understand what there is to argue about. That's not normal. Some couples are just in a continuous loop of drama and wanting attention. Is that you?

No it’s not. My ex pointed out how I never grieved properly and she knew this was affecting kid relationship. Also, she believes I have trust issues. My ex cheated on me around the same time my mother was diagnosed with cancer. We broke up and I moved home to help my father out. I automatically went into autopilot and went numb for a long time. I was numb until I met her.

*affecting our*

Damn autocorrect

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she is a really good person and like she might not be totally over you. But that doesn't necessarily mean the best step is to get back together or that she necessarily is sure she wants to get back together -- just that she still has some feelings toward you.

I think it would be nice to reach out and say thank-you and that you really appreciated the card. If you want to, say that you miss her and wish things had turned out differently. If she responds positively, then see if she wants to meet up. But don't get your hopes up too much, and take it slow.

I agree with the PPs who said that you have some issues to work out, and I think you need to be upfront with her about the fact that you know this and that this contributed to the breakup.

[Anonymous]

why did you argue so much?

[Anonymous]

Why is therapy or a creative writing course a snide remark? Those are good avenues to pursue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This doesn’t sound good. It was a nice gesture, but I’d leave it alone. Not even to say thank. Why open that door again. FYI if you argued all the time, it was a shitty relationship. Cheating is not the only benchmark here. You can do better.

Not saying thank you is extremely rude. Just because something didn’t work out doesn’t mean you have to be rude.

I disagree. You can learn to argue properly and it the relationship be better. Plus it’s not really our place to say if OP can do better or not.

Personally if I loved someone enough who is loyal, supportive, and as caring as OP’s ex seems to be, learning to communicate better could be worth it.

I’m the pp who suggested not responding. Of course not thanking someone is rude, but in these types of situations people are just doing these things to keep the back and forth going. For example my ex, who was abusive, still sends me two dozen roses every Valentine’s Day. He also sends me a card every year for my birthday. I don’t ever call him up to say thank you because I know that is his m.o. for how he manipulates. When I said do better, I meant op could be happy. I’m much happier alone then in a bad relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This doesn’t sound good. It was a nice gesture, but I’d leave it alone. Not even to say thank. Why open that door again. FYI if you argued all the time, it was a shitty relationship. Cheating is not the only benchmark here. You can do better.

Not saying thank you is extremely rude. Just because something didn’t work out doesn’t mean you have to be rude.

I disagree. You can learn to argue properly and it the relationship be better. Plus it’s not really our place to say if OP can do better or not.

Personally if I loved someone enough who is loyal, supportive, and as caring as OP’s ex seems to be, learning to communicate better could be worth it.

I’m the pp who suggested not responding. Of course not thanking someone is rude, but in these types of situations people are just doing these things to keep the back and forth going. For example my ex, who was abusive, still sends me two dozen roses every Valentine’s Day. He also sends me a card every year for my birthday. I don’t ever call him up to say thank you because I know that is his m.o. for how he manipulates. When I said do better, I meant op could be happy. I’m much happier alone then in a bad relationship.

+1 also had a pathological liar ex who would leave me love notes all over the place. Still finding them in books 12 years later. Sweet? Not really coming from a psycho. Like the PP he also tracked me down to say happy birthday or congratulations on your wedding day. It's all about control with these weirdos. I used to respond harshly then I ignored. He's since stopped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This doesn’t sound good. It was a nice gesture, but I’d leave it alone. Not even to say thank. Why open that door again. FYI if you argued all the time, it was a shitty relationship. Cheating is not the only benchmark here. You can do better.

Not saying thank you is extremely rude. Just because something didn’t work out doesn’t mean you have to be rude.

I disagree. You can learn to argue properly and it the relationship be better. Plus it’s not really our place to say if OP can do better or not.

Personally if I loved someone enough who is loyal, supportive, and as caring as OP’s ex seems to be, learning to communicate better could be worth it.

I’m the pp who suggested not responding. Of course not thanking someone is rude, but in these types of situations people are just doing these things to keep the back and forth going. For example my ex, who was abusive, still sends me two dozen roses every Valentine’s Day. He also sends me a card every year for my birthday. I don’t ever call him up to say thank you because I know that is his m.o. for how he manipulates. When I said do better, I meant op could be happy. I’m much happier alone then in a bad relationship.

+1 also had a pathological liar ex who would leave me love notes all over the place. Still finding them in books 12 years later. Sweet? Not really coming from a psycho. Like the PP he also tracked me down to say happy birthday or congratulations on your wedding day. It's all about control with these weirdos. I used to respond harshly then I ignored. He's since stopped.

Well I can see why you didn’t respond. I wouldn’t have either. OP is the issue here, not the ex. Sounds like OP has been punishing the ex for his previous ex’s mistakes. If anything it seems like OP screwed up here.

[Anonymous]

OP, your post is slightly confusing. So she broke up with you, then a week later she tried to get back with you and you said no. But then *you* regretted saying no, and continued to pursue her/ apologize/ try to get her back?

When you said no (about getting back together) were you actually thinking No, or were you playing a game and it didn’t work? (I’m not judging. Sadly, I’ve done this).

So now she writes you a nice card and you’re wondering what it means - are you hoping it means she’s thinking of you and misses you and wants to get back together? I think more details would help here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe therapy will help sort out all your issues.

+1

There's a lot more going on than your ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe therapy will help sort out all your issues.

+1

There's a lot more going on than your ex.

Yeah, you have trust issues, which caused the constant arguing. She probably has feelings for you but just.can’t.do.it - you’ve gotta get therapy first, and not make it her responsibility to protect you from your insecurity - only you can do that, through hard work and introspection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex broke up with me in early October saying she was just exhausted from all the arguing. She tried to get back with me a week later and I told her no. I admit I messed up and sent her a lot of messages the next and the days that followed after I rejected her. A week later I told her I was struggling.

She is the first person I could see myself marrying and having kids with. Hell, I even told her when we were dating I though about what our house would be like and what our kids would look like. All my other exes cheated on me, but she was loyal and I know she'd never cheat on me, but at the same time I didn't trust her.

Sadly, my mother passed away a year ago. She sent me a card, well the entire family really, saying she knew the anniversary of my mom's death was coming up and evertyhing with the holidays she imagines that it's hard, and all that other good stuff.

Since I’ve been cheated on the other breakups were really different and now I don't know what to make of this. Should I say anything to her? I don't know, this means she's a really good person doesn't it?

Did you go to a coffee shop in her neighborhood last weekend? Were you wearing a Burberry scarf? If so I think she is amenable to a reunion.

(Sorry about your mom. Hugs.)

[Anonymous]

You need to get some professional help to deal with your issues and you should let her know you are doing so. Then see what happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This doesn’t sound good. It was a nice gesture, but I’d leave it alone. Not even to say thank. Why open that door again. FYI if you argued all the time, it was a shitty relationship. Cheating is not the only benchmark here. You can do better.

This. You need to think about why you were arguing so much. That's not a good relationship. Are you argumentative? Then try and change. Was she argumentative? Then let her go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe therapy will help sort out all your issues.

+1

There's a lot more going on than your ex.

She kept saying that I needed therapy because I can’t see how damaged I am. The thing is I don’t think I’m paranoid about why I don’t trust her. It’s a gut feeling that I have.