Does time really heal all wounds?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two children, ages 5 and 7. This year, I have been having difficulties with unexplained periods of distress and worry. My husband suggested I meet with a therapist, which I am currently doing.

One thing that came up, and seems to be something I haven't dealt with, happened in childhood. We were living in a flat in London while my dad finished his PhD. We had neighbors across the hall with an infant. When I was 7, I used to go over there frequently as the parents worked long hours, and weren't there. One morning, I came in and found the baby dead in the crib. Now I know it was neglect and disease. Soiled nappy, vomit on the sheet, and the the infant was rigid. Got my mom, she handed me off to my dad to go to the park, and we never talked about it. My brother was too young to understand what was going on.

It has stuck with me, and my therapist thinks that now that my oldest is 7, unresolved questions and guilt/pain are surfacing. I am working on it. I am putting this out there to see if others have issues that resurface later in life, without warning, that throw your world out of wack.

Perhaps time would have benefited me if I had processed it as a kid. I don't blame my parents. I don't know what I would have done as a parent, and that scares me.

So sorry! Here’s my take on it (PTSD/survivor of years of childhood sexual abuse):

It mostly gets better if you work on it with a GOOD professional and reduce triggers in your life overall. I had to retrain my brain and body. It look five years. Psych meds helped, but they only treated my anxiety and depression. The underlying stuff took wrenching therapy sessions and some very difficult conversations with family members. Reconfiguring my life is an ongoing project. The last few weeks have been very difficult for me due to the news. My DH suggested that I avoid the news for a while and promised me he’d let me know if Trump resigned, aliens landed, or a cure for cancer was found. Everything else was less vital to know while I take care of myself.

There will still be rough patches now and then, but they will be less frequent and less severe. Anniversaries of bad events or your kids reaching that same age are common so it make sense that you are dealing with this now. Sometimes you can’t evade triggers. Or things resurface without warning. With good therapy, you won’t be as hard on yourself when you climb out of bad patch.

It sounds trite, but visualize yourself providing appropriate care to seven year old you. Treat her physical shock with a blanket and a cup of hot, sweetened tea. Say what she needed to hear. I did this probably fifty times before I sensed that got it right and could move on.

[Anonymous]

No, I don't think all wounds are healed. I think it's a survival mechanism to keep those wounds- for example, in your case, your brain has seen something horrific happen to a child so it goes overboard making sure that doesn't happen to your own children. I have deep wounds from childhood, have spent most of my life in therapy with numerous therapists, and they are still there. Perhaps not as bad as they would be otherwise, and it's definitely manageable, but I don't think it will ever go away.

I'm so sorry you had to experience that as a child, sorry you are dealing with the effects now, and mostly I'm so sorry for that poor baby. I don't understand how people can do something like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have two children, ages 5 and 7. This year, I have been having difficulties with unexplained periods of distress and worry. My husband suggested I meet with a therapist, which I am currently doing.

One thing that came up, and seems to be something I haven't dealt with, happened in childhood. We were living in a flat in London while my dad finished his PhD. We had neighbors across the hall with an infant. When I was 7, I used to go over there frequently as the parents worked long hours, and weren't there. One morning, I came in and found the baby dead in the crib. Now I know it was neglect and disease. Soiled nappy, vomit on the sheet, and the the infant was rigid. Got my mom, she handed me off to my dad to go to the park, and we never talked about it. My brother was too young to understand what was going on.

It has stuck with me, and my therapist thinks that now that my oldest is 7, unresolved questions and guilt/pain are surfacing. I am working on it. I am putting this out there to see if others have issues that resurface later in life, without warning, that throw your world out of wack.

Perhaps time would have benefited me if I had processed it as a kid. I don't blame my parents. I don't know what I would have done as a parent, and that scares me.

So sorry! Here’s my take on it (PTSD/survivor of years of childhood sexual abuse):

It mostly gets better if you work on it with a GOOD professional and reduce triggers in your life overall. I had to retrain my brain and body. It look five years. Psych meds helped, but they only treated my anxiety and depression. The underlying stuff took wrenching therapy sessions and some very difficult conversations with family members. Reconfiguring my life is an ongoing project. The last few weeks have been very difficult for me due to the news. My DH suggested that I avoid the news for a while and promised me he’d let me know if Trump resigned, aliens landed, or a cure for cancer was found. Everything else was less vital to know while I take care of myself.

There will still be rough patches now and then, but they will be less frequent and less severe. Anniversaries of bad events or your kids reaching that same age are common so it make sense that you are dealing with this now. Sometimes you can’t evade triggers. Or things resurface without warning. With good therapy, you won’t be as hard on yourself when you climb out of bad patch.

It sounds trite, but visualize yourself providing appropriate care to seven year old you. Treat her physical shock with a blanket and a cup of hot, sweetened tea. Say what she needed to hear. I did this probably fifty times before I sensed that got it right and could move on.

NP here. This brought tears to my eyes. What a beautiful thing to suggest. All the best to you in your own recovery.

[Anonymous]

Time doesn’t heal wounds. Some pain gets easier with time, like when you accept that grief is part of your life and move forward with it.

PTSD is not going to just go away one day. You have to process things before you can move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread needs a trigger warning, leaving the title "as is" is cruel.


No time doesn't heal all wounds.

This is the OP. I didn't mean to be cruel. I didn't know how to title it. Maybe the administrator of the this forum can help? My apologies.

Hit the "report" button on your op and ask Jeff to modify the thread title.

I think your therapist is on track, and I would expect that they can help you work through this. Yes, things from your past can come back in unsuspecting ways. My mom died when I was a teenager, and it popped up in very unhelpful ways for the next twenty years. I finally landed with the right therapist (and I was older and ready) and finally processed it enough to make it a manageable fact from my past, instead of the repeated stumbling block it had been. I think you'll find this will get better for you.

This was helpful to hear. Thank you, and I am sorry about the loss of your mom. My therapist rarely offers advice. She asks questions and interprets, which I greatly appreciate. She did say that it wasn't a good idea to talk about this with my mother yet. If I feel unresolved trauma, she does as well is the thinking. She wants me to work through it a bit more before I ever bring it up. Did tell me to talk to my husband, and he has been great in this regard.

Grateful to these two posters for having a helpful, civilized exchange.

[Anonymous]

For some yes, for others no

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have two children, ages 5 and 7. This year, I have been having difficulties with unexplained periods of distress and worry. My husband suggested I meet with a therapist, which I am currently doing.

One thing that came up, and seems to be something I haven't dealt with, happened in childhood. We were living in a flat in London while my dad finished his PhD. We had neighbors across the hall with an infant. When I was 7, I used to go over there frequently as the parents worked long hours, and weren't there. One morning, I came in and found the baby dead in the crib. Now I know it was neglect and disease. Soiled nappy, vomit on the sheet, and the the infant was rigid. Got my mom, she handed me off to my dad to go to the park, and we never talked about it. My brother was too young to understand what was going on.

It has stuck with me, and my therapist thinks that now that my oldest is 7, unresolved questions and guilt/pain are surfacing. I am working on it. I am putting this out there to see if others have issues that resurface later in life, without warning, that throw your world out of wack.

Perhaps time would have benefited me if I had processed it as a kid. I don't blame my parents. I don't know what I would have done as a parent, and that scares me.

So sorry! Here’s my take on it (PTSD/survivor of years of childhood sexual abuse):

It mostly gets better if you work on it with a GOOD professional and reduce triggers in your life overall. I had to retrain my brain and body. It look five years. Psych meds helped, but they only treated my anxiety and depression. The underlying stuff took wrenching therapy sessions and some very difficult conversations with family members. Reconfiguring my life is an ongoing project. The last few weeks have been very difficult for me due to the news. My DH suggested that I avoid the news for a while and promised me he’d let me know if Trump resigned, aliens landed, or a cure for cancer was found. Everything else was less vital to know while I take care of myself.

There will still be rough patches now and then, but they will be less frequent and less severe. Anniversaries of bad events or your kids reaching that same age are common so it make sense that you are dealing with this now. Sometimes you can’t evade triggers. Or things resurface without warning. With good therapy, you won’t be as hard on yourself when you climb out of bad patch.

It sounds trite, but visualize yourself providing appropriate care to seven year old you. Treat her physical shock with a blanket and a cup of hot, sweetened tea. Say what she needed to hear. I did this probably fifty times before I sensed that got it right and could move on.

NP here. This brought tears to my eyes. What a beautiful thing to suggest. All the best to you in your own recovery.

OP here. I shared that I had forwarded this thread to my therapist. She thought that this was wonderful feedback. Thank you PP.

[Anonymous]

I don't have any advice for you, OP, but I have done therapy and agree that dealing with some of my "issues" made me a better mother and wife. I remember feeling guilty talking to the therapist about what seemed like minor things when I had a great life--healthy kids, kind husband, financial security, etc. She said there are big T traumas and small T traumas, but even the small ones are worth working on.

I actually opened this thread because my brother recently lost a 20 year old son to suicide. His family is in therapy, but I just wonder how they go on. I hope time does help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have two children, ages 5 and 7. This year, I have been having difficulties with unexplained periods of distress and worry. My husband suggested I meet with a therapist, which I am currently doing.

One thing that came up, and seems to be something I haven't dealt with, happened in childhood. We were living in a flat in London while my dad finished his PhD. We had neighbors across the hall with an infant. When I was 7, I used to go over there frequently as the parents worked long hours, and weren't there. One morning, I came in and found the baby dead in the crib. Now I know it was neglect and disease. Soiled nappy, vomit on the sheet, and the the infant was rigid. Got my mom, she handed me off to my dad to go to the park, and we never talked about it. My brother was too young to understand what was going on.

It has stuck with me, and my therapist thinks that now that my oldest is 7, unresolved questions and guilt/pain are surfacing. I am working on it. I am putting this out there to see if others have issues that resurface later in life, without warning, that throw your world out of wack.

Perhaps time would have benefited me if I had processed it as a kid. I don't blame my parents. I don't know what I would have done as a parent, and that scares me.

So sorry! Here’s my take on it (PTSD/survivor of years of childhood sexual abuse):

It mostly gets better if you work on it with a GOOD professional and reduce triggers in your life overall. I had to retrain my brain and body. It look five years. Psych meds helped, but they only treated my anxiety and depression. The underlying stuff took wrenching therapy sessions and some very difficult conversations with family members. Reconfiguring my life is an ongoing project. The last few weeks have been very difficult for me due to the news. My DH suggested that I avoid the news for a while and promised me he’d let me know if Trump resigned, aliens landed, or a cure for cancer was found. Everything else was less vital to know while I take care of myself.

There will still be rough patches now and then, but they will be less frequent and less severe. Anniversaries of bad events or your kids reaching that same age are common so it make sense that you are dealing with this now. Sometimes you can’t evade triggers. Or things resurface without warning. With good therapy, you won’t be as hard on yourself when you climb out of bad patch.

It sounds trite, but visualize yourself providing appropriate care to seven year old you. Treat her physical shock with a blanket and a cup of hot, sweetened tea. Say what she needed to hear. I did this probably fifty times before I sensed that got it right and could move on.

NP here. This brought tears to my eyes. What a beautiful thing to suggest. All the best to you in your own recovery.

OP here. I shared that I had forwarded this thread to my therapist. She thought that this was wonderful feedback. Thank you PP.

Your therapist sounds great! I can imagine some of them being intimidated (or even pissy) by internet "help". Good for you and for her for finding each other.

[Anonymous]

You have PTSD.

I don't think talk therapy is the best.

Look for somebody that specializes in PTSD and EMDR.

[Anonymous]

8:18 did you do DBT?