Courage to divorce when you have kids..

[Anonymous]

To the one person who keeps +1’ing the same comment, please stop. You aren’t fooling anyone.

Question? If you’ve never left, how do you know it takes more courage to stay? I’ve stayed in a bad marriage and I left, therefore I have the comparative data to say it takes more courage to leave. Where is your data?

[Anonymous]

I'm wondering about this too. I've thought about divorce for a very long time and I think that, aside from when one of the "three a's" is present, it's very hard to know what the right thing to do is. My DH and I are in counseling and have been working on our marriage for a long time. I have lots of married (and divorced) friends. I've come to realize that the line "marriage takes a lot of hard work" is a bunch of horseshit. The happiest couples I know aren't struggling. Not to say they haven't had ups and downs, but they don't view their marriages as "hard work."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex repeatedly cheated on me and gave me an std on more than one occasion. Final straw that literally had me go look for an apartment and sign the new lease the next day was when he stayed out all night the previous night, I checked his Facebook page and it had his new status as “ in a relationship with Larla.” Larla. Is. Not. My. Name. He publicly claimed someone else while we were still together. Who does that?! I left on the first train smoking. Men, including my ex, view children as the trap that will make you stay.

For those of you who feel the need to say that it takes courage to stay please keep telling yourself that in order to justify the bullshit that you are currently putting up with. You like your facade and that’s fine, but don’t you dare call it courage.

I felt like a super hero when I left. You couldn’t tell me I did not have a cape on. Changed my last name and everything.

+1, It takes "courage" to waste your life because you can't hack it on your own

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We were all deeply unhappy. The kids were so upset and anxious all the time and couldn’t be kids. There was no tolerable way to stay together.

This doesn't sound like "no abuse or neglect".

Sorry, I was typing on my phone and was trying to keep it short. All kinds of neglect and abuse. Are you happy now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It takes more courage to stay married and honor your commitment.

+1

Sure, if BOTH parties are willing to do it. But when one has already checked out of the marriage, what commitment is there to honor?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex was a cheater. My child did not know and I tried to keep the family together until child finished high school. But I just couldn't take the miserable situation for 6 more years. I also realized that I was modeling really unhealthy decision making for my child. I would never want him to just "stay for the children.". Hopefully I have shown him that it is NOT okay to allow anyone to treat you with such disrespect. It is a hard decision, for sure.

This. I thought hard about what I would want my daughter to feel like she should or could do in a similar situation. I would never in a million years want her to feel like she should or has to stay in abusive or unfaithful relationship. I realized that what I live is what I teach. 10+ years later, ending my relationship was the best decision I ever made. It's also hands down the most courageous thing I've ever done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering about this too. I've thought about divorce for a very long time and I think that, aside from when one of the "three a's" is present, it's very hard to know what the right thing to do is. My DH and I are in counseling and have been working on our marriage for a long time. I have lots of married (and divorced) friends. I've come to realize that the line "marriage takes a lot of hard work" is a bunch of horseshit. The happiest couples I know aren't struggling. Not to say they haven't had ups and downs, but they don't view their marriages as "hard work."

I’m in a happy marriage and you are right, I don’t think it’s hard work. But it does take effort. Sometimes a little effort, other times a lot of effort. I think marriages become hard work, when you don’t put small amounts of effort regularly. You kinda go on auto pilot and realize months/years later that you’ve flown off course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex repeatedly cheated on me and gave me an std on more than one occasion. Final straw that literally had me go look for an apartment and sign the new lease the next day was when he stayed out all night the previous night, I checked his Facebook page and it had his new status as “ in a relationship with Larla.” Larla. Is. Not. My. Name. He publicly claimed someone else while we were still together. Who does that?! I left on the first train smoking. Men, including my ex, view children as the trap that will make you stay.

For those of you who feel the need to say that it takes courage to stay please keep telling yourself that in order to justify the bullshit that you are currently putting up with. You like your facade and that’s fine, but don’t you dare call it courage.

I felt like a super hero when I left. You couldn’t tell me I did not have a cape on. Changed my last name and everything.

I love you. Did the same thing, cape and all.

[Anonymous]

I went through a similar time in my marriage several years ago; marriage is seriously the most difficult relationship we have! But for me, I had to go back to our vows and the commitment I made to him and remember that I’m not the perfect partner either. We had things to work through, and we needed to rekindle our relationship, and I can say today that I’m glad I honored our commitment to one another to stick it out “for better and for worse”. The fact that I can say that I walked through the greatest of times and the lowest of times (together and individually) with the same man at my side has become incredibly special and meaningful to me. It’s very hard, but it’s really worth it. Wishing you all the best. {hugs}

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex was a good father, a good provider and didn't cheat but over time we just drifted apart emotionally and physically. There was no abuse or anything like that just a lack of any desire to stay connected on both our parts. Once we became empty nesters we divorced which surprised many people.

May I ask who requested the divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex repeatedly cheated on me and gave me an std on more than one occasion. Final straw that literally had me go look for an apartment and sign the new lease the next day was when he stayed out all night the previous night, I checked his Facebook page and it had his new status as “ in a relationship with Larla.” Larla. Is. Not. My. Name. He publicly claimed someone else while we were still together. Who does that?! I left on the first train smoking. Men, including my ex, view children as the trap that will make you stay.

For those of you who feel the need to say that it takes courage to stay please keep telling yourself that in order to justify the bullshit that you are currently putting up with. You like your facade and that’s fine, but don’t you dare call it courage.

I felt like a super hero when I left. You couldn’t tell me I did not have a cape on. Changed my last name and everything.

How old are your kids? Did u get alimony? What percent? My spouse got caught cheating twice and now he’s ready to really make commitment to me and the family. I’m less than impressed but kids are in college and my attorney says alimony in Maryland would be only 30 -40% his salary for 10 years. I’m 60 now. Really torn about what to do. Sorry about the hijack

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex repeatedly cheated on me and gave me an std on more than one occasion. Final straw that literally had me go look for an apartment and sign the new lease the next day was when he stayed out all night the previous night, I checked his Facebook page and it had his new status as “ in a relationship with Larla.” Larla. Is. Not. My. Name. He publicly claimed someone else while we were still together. Who does that?! I left on the first train smoking. Men, including my ex, view children as the trap that will make you stay.

For those of you who feel the need to say that it takes courage to stay please keep telling yourself that in order to justify the bullshit that you are currently putting up with. You like your facade and that’s fine, but don’t you dare call it courage.

I felt like a super hero when I left. You couldn’t tell me I did not have a cape on. Changed my last name and everything.

How old are your kids? Did u get alimony? What percent? My spouse got caught cheating twice and now he’s ready to really make commitment to me and the family. I’m less than impressed but kids are in college and my attorney says alimony in Maryland would be only 30 -40% his salary for 10 years. I’m 60 now. Really torn about what to do. Sorry about the hijack

This is crazy. Why on earth would you get 30-40% of his salary for 10 years? If you are totally uneducated, surely you could direct traffic on a flagging crew, or make cappuccino at a coffee shop?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex repeatedly cheated on me and gave me an std on more than one occasion. Final straw that literally had me go look for an apartment and sign the new lease the next day was when he stayed out all night the previous night, I checked his Facebook page and it had his new status as “ in a relationship with Larla.” Larla. Is. Not. My. Name. He publicly claimed someone else while we were still together. Who does that?! I left on the first train smoking. Men, including my ex, view children as the trap that will make you stay.

For those of you who feel the need to say that it takes courage to stay please keep telling yourself that in order to justify the bullshit that you are currently putting up with. You like your facade and that’s fine, but don’t you dare call it courage.

I felt like a super hero when I left. You couldn’t tell me I did not have a cape on. Changed my last name and everything.

How old are your kids? Did u get alimony? What percent? My spouse got caught cheating twice and now he’s ready to really make commitment to me and the family. I’m less than impressed but kids are in college and my attorney says alimony in Maryland would be only 30 -40% his salary for 10 years. I’m 60 now. Really torn about what to do. Sorry about the hijack

PP here, I will admit to being strategic with when I left. We have 4 kids, one was already out of the house and one had just graduated and was on her way to college. Of our remaining two, one was entering 9th grade and the other was entering the 8th grade. This happened during the summer so that also made the transition easier. This move would’ve been a lot more difficult if my kids were younger. My ex cut up for years with full knowledge of how difficult it would’ve been for me to leave with them. I’m guessing he stopped paying attention and didn’t realize how much easier they are to manage once they get older.