Why am I so afraid of confrontation?

[Anonymous]

Don't beat yourself up, OP. Confrontation is difficult and I think women in particular are socialized to be accommodating and non-confrontational. I struggle with this too but have gotten better over the years. Is your friend purposely being hurtful or is she just careless with her words and actions sometimes? If in your gut you feel that it's not on purpose, I'd tell her that you want to talk to her about something, somethings been bothering you, the other day when she said/ did xyz it made you feel bad because ______. And you're sure she didn't probably didn't mean it but you want to make sure things between you are good. If she truly didn't mean it, she will apologize and you will feel better for having aired it out and respected yourself AND if she is a real friend, she will feel better that you brought this up because she will not have wanted to have unintentionally hurt you and would not have wanted bad feelings between you. It will also lead to a more honest and authentic friendship. Pick these kinds of battles carefully- but if you're stewing over something for days, say something. It's a poison in your friendship.

[Anonymous]

PP here. If, on the other hand, this "friend" is purposely hurtful, passive aggressive, and disrespects you on a regular basis, that's a different story. I've had two people like this in my life. One I knew in my heart really cared about me but had her own insecurities and her passive aggressiveness was due to her inability to effectively communicate when she felt hurt, angry etc. I eventually had to call her out on it, like one of the PP's said, by being direct. "when you said that it sounded really sarcastic. Why did you say that to me?" This is hard for passive aggressive people because they don't like confrontation. So she would back pedal, but eventually she stopped. The other person I finally came to realize was actually mean spirited, and I slowly distanced myself from her until she was no longer really in my life. That's sad, but you don't need people in your life who get something out of cutting you down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A two year beach vacation. How nice would that be?

PP here, that's hillarious! Didn't occur to me to check date/time.

It begs the question: OP, how is it going now?

[Anonymous]

OP, I am absolutely the same way. My family is ALWAYS on my case for letting people walk all over me, because I just can't bear to speak up. It is a mixture of temperament and a lack of self-respect in my case. But let me give you a turning point for me, in the hopes that it will help you avoid a similar situation:

The 13 year old son of a woman I considered a dear friend played a cruel prank on my 8 year old son. I could not muster the courage to ask him to apologize, and my friend did not punish him. When my husband heard the story, he figured it was useless to expect me to stand up for our son, so he emailed the parents (again, whom we considered close friends) and said he hoped their son would apologize. My friend went ballistic, and said very cruel things about my husband, my son, and our other children. My instant response? I apologized to her for any trouble my kids have ever caused her, and for my husband saying anything. Her response? To say even more cruel things about me and my family, and to completely end our friendship.

At first, I was furious with my husband. Then, upon reflection, I realized that during our entire "friendship," this friend would make mean or sarcastic comments about me, or jokes at my expense, and I would never say anything. And when her children would "play jokes" on my kids, she never had a problem with the hurt feelings that resulted.

I decided that I would take this lesson to heart, and no matter how hard it was, the next time someone was mean to one of my kids, I would say something. So when I was walking by the Judicial Square Metro stop one day, a construction worker yelled at my daughter for balancing on a retaining wall. At first, I kept walking, and just squeezed her hand, but then I gathered all my courage together, turned around, and looked him in the eye, and said, "Excuse me. My daughter was not intentionally doing something naughty. You just scared a little girl, when you could have asked her nicely to stop doing what she was doing.". The guy looked foolish and stammered out a half-apology, but my daugher's tears vanished and she gave me a tight hug once we turned the corner.

I only have control over my own actions. Maybe it is a huge struggle for me to stand up for myself, and maybe I'll never do it as often as I should. But I'm going to try to do better, because good things never come from being a total doormat, and I want to be a good example to my kids.

[Anonymous]

^^^oops, just got the two year vacation reference. Now I feel dumb for pouring out my heart!

[Anonymous]

And I'm the Op! I literally froze when I saw the subject line because my post caused some problems 2 years ago. I did email my friend about the incident right after I wrote this post. Then she got on dcum, saw this post, guessed it was me, called me out on it. I was so embarrassed I lied (I mean come on, it's an anonymous board!) but she persisted, I confessed and we talked about what was going on. We are still friends to this day, though she as moved out of the area, we keep up with daily emails. But omg this brings up memories!

[Anonymous]

I am glad this thread was revived. My DD is dealing with horrible passive aggressive behavior with her school friends. I don't know how to deal with this because my friends have told their DDs about our private related conversations. So, the moms, who said they wouldn't say anything, seem to fuel the flames of middle school angst. We can't stop being friends with every one but, it seems the only right thing to do if people aren't trustworthy, kind or willing to see the manipulative way their kids are behaving. I am worried sick over the mean girl drama that is escalating into dangerous territory. meanwhile, we will not gossip or discuss private matters with anyone except my good anonymous friends on DCUM. any advice????

[Anonymous]

I love confrontation.

Something is wrong with me.