Why am I so afraid of confrontation?

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine hurt my feelings today. She's done it in the past and I've never said anything, but I'm kind of fed up. I keep meaning to bring it up to her...but I can't bring myself to do it. I hate confrontation, it scares me. She...of course...is good at it.

Oy.

[Anonymous]

Takes practice.

[Anonymous]

don't dwell on it and just say something. The more you think about it, the more anxiety it generates. I hate confrontation too but I found out I'm quite good at standing up for myself once I say something and get going... Good luck...

[Anonymous]

I was pathologically timid as a child and now only manage to confront someone when I tell myself that I deserve respect and justice like any other person. Stay calm, choose your words, speak clearly and make eye contact. Even though you may be shaking/perspiring/palpitating underneath. If you can't do it immediately following the event, it is OK to bring it up later, but harder for you because you have more time to stress over it. You will find it easier as time goes by.

[Anonymous]

I hear you, OP. I'm the SAME WAY. Thanks for posting this... good to hear other people's strategies/horror stories etc. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
-Dr. Seuss

I mention this because I am the same way, and I've found that when I finally get ticked off enough to draw a boundary with someone, and I don't care if they're my friend anymore or not (that's how mad I have to get first!), it more often than not ends up benefitting me in the long run.

If they were my friend, they remain so and we resolve our differences. If they weren't, and were taking advantage of me, I'm still better off knowing that and jettisoning those kinds of friends.

I had one friend who always took advantage of our situation until one day, I told her off and drew a clear line between us and our children. Next day, she was 100% apologetic and wanted to get back to the same place she was yesterday. I stood my ground and remained behind the line I'd drawn, and now we get along just fine. I don't feel taken advantage of, and we are better friends with the boundaries in place.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes people who are afraid of confrontation end up doing themselves more harm than good. For instance, you have saved up your friend's "old dig" as well as this fresh new dig. But she may have completely forgotten about the old dig -- and months from now when you may be completely fed up by some third dig it will all come pouring out -- she won't remember, the first two digs, but you'll be furious.

Much better to say something mildly assertive when the digs actually happen. You don't even have to be confrontational.

For instance, she says: "Love your new 80's style handbag" or whatever her latest crack is.

You say, "Ouch, Sue, was that a dig? Because I love this bag" (laugh a tiny bit but look her firmly in the eye and hold her gaze).

[Anonymous]

My therapist recommends a very simple and direct approach, which is especially effective with passive aggressive people.

Sue: "How much longer are you guys going to drive that car, until it falls apart?"

You: "Sue, did you mean that statement to be sarcastic? Because I'm not sure how you meant it to come out, and it sounded sarcastic."

Now your friend has to either 1) directly admit to the sarcastic barb or 2) back-pedal and tell you that's NOT what she meant. P/A people REALLY hate to be called on the carpet for their slippery comments that they are used to getting away with. Calling them on it is quite effective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say, "Ouch, Sue, was that a dig? Because I love this bag" (laugh a tiny bit but look her firmly in the eye and hold her gaze).

That sounds a little psycho.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who sounds the same. At the present, we're at the beach. My friend has invited a friend along, and this friend came last year and now this year. My husband and I didn't say anything last year about her friend not contributing to ANY expenses. We're fine with her not contributing to the house expense, but this person doesn't even offer $$$ for food. We're sitting in a restaurant, and we're paying for her!!! This was not a part of the agreement. My friend basically told me to shut my mouth and not say anything...she's a guest. I'm so pissed right now, and my husband and I have decided this is our last year vacationing with my friend. Sorry is this sounds mumble jumble, but I'm pissed! Wouldn't you be?

[Anonymous]

I'm a confrontational person and I don't think through everything I say before I speak. So I can give you the other side of this. I often realize that I might have said something offensive or hurtfull and than cringe to myself later, praying that the other person has a thicker skin than I think or didn't take any offense to what I said. (I can be sarcastic too.)

I think the best thing to do is not try and act confrontational (it's not you, and you hate it), but be yourself and just flat out say, "You know, you probably didn't give it much thought...but when you said XYZ the other day it was kind of hurtful. I know you never would have meant to hurt my feelings, so I don't want to make you feel bad, but I just wanted to say something to get it off my chest so it didn't fester."

After you say something, don't even engage in a conversation about it beyond that. This is not a confrontation thing. You are just letting her know how you feel. You don't have to justify WHY you were hurt. You were. Your friend can think to herself that you are being overly sensative if she wants, but hopefully she'll respect you for saying something and be more careful about what she says in the future. And she'll probably feel awful.

But most importantly----after you say something, LET IT GO. Don't hold it against her. The whole point of saying something is to resolve the situation. Good luck. If your friend is anything like me, she's probably cringing to herself already about what she said.

[Anonymous]

I keep reading that you should go ahead and speak your mind when a confrontation comes up but I find this very hard for me. I usually end up looking like a idiot that didn't even realize that I just got walked all over. I just smile or laugh and take it. I feel like they probably look at me like I am stupid or just slow witted. I see other people stand up for themselves and I see them as strong but when I think about confronting someone, I feel like I am being too sensitive or worrying too much. It's just really difficult for me and I get alot of anxiety. I end up spending soo much time worrying about what I am going to say that the moment has passed by and now I don't want to say anything because I feel like they are going to say "your still worrying about that?".

I do this with everyone, even at work where it is causing problems. I feel like no one respects me. At my job I have to call and setup appointments for jobs to be done for customers. Well, with some other people at my job it seems like they can get their jobs setup and the contractors don't want to miss their appointments but with me I don't seem to get the same respect. They miss appointments and dont show up on time. If I try to do something about it like confronting them, my confidence goes out the window and I end up sounding like I am pleading instead of demanding. Before I make the call to confront the issue, I know what I need to say but then when the conversation starts it all goes wrong. I feel like such a wimp. I don't want to be a jerk to people.

I know, I know. Your not being a jerk if you stand up for yourself but I can't stand it if someone doesn't like me. I know it probably sounds like I got major issues but I really want to fix this. Nothing seems to help. Any suggestions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're sitting in a restaurant, and we're paying for her!!! This was not a part of the agreement. My friend basically told me to shut my mouth and not say anything...she's a guest. I'm so pissed right now, and my husband and I have decided this is our last year vacationing with my friend. Sorry is this sounds mumble jumble, but I'm pissed! Wouldn't you be?

Your friend should pay for her guest then, or at least reimburse you later if you covered the guest's portion.

I think it's rude to the people at your table to go online during a meal in a restaurant. Get back to your beach vacation and enjoy! Live life in the moment. People who have trouble with confrontation might find this difficult, but all the more reason to do so.

[Anonymous]

PP here, re-read your post and maybe you didn't literally mean "we're sitting..." so ignore re: texting in restaurant if not relevant! But the friend wanting to treat the guest (but wanting you to share the cost of treating) is still strange.

[Anonymous]

A two year beach vacation. How nice would that be?