Sister accidentally texted me...while talking about me!

[Anonymous]

My mom did that to me recently. I always knew she felt that way. I'm pretty much done at this point.

[Anonymous]

Can't believe there's not consensus on this - she effed up and she should apologize. It doesn't matter that sisters always talk about each other or you've probably done the same. She got caught being mean which hurt your feelings and she is in the wrong. Now you probably don't want to end your relationship over it but you're well within your right to tell her she sucks. And that she's a moron for not being more careful when talking sh*t.

[Anonymous]

Yes, OP's sister messed up, but I agree with PPs - unless OP has never said an unkind word about her sister ever...she needs to drop it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can't believe there's not consensus on this - she effed up and she should apologize. It doesn't matter that sisters always talk about each other or you've probably done the same. She got caught being mean which hurt your feelings and she is in the wrong. Now you probably don't want to end your relationship over it but you're well within your right to tell her she sucks. And that she's a moron for not being more careful when talking sh*t.

It depends on what the substance was. If she was texting a friend something OP did purely to make fun of her or make her look bad to other people, that's something to apologize for. If she was texting the friend venting because she was upset about something her sister did or was sharing it for some totally innocuous reason (e.g., OP had a similar experience to the sister's friend, and sister is sharing it with her friend for reassurance, etc.), that's not something the sister needs to apologize for. Do you really never mention any of your friends or family members to anyone else ever?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, surely there's some history between you that would put this into context? I'm not asking you to tell us your whole sibling history, I'm asking you to think through whether this is a weird, one-time thing that came out of the blue and blindsided you entirely...or whether it's the culmination of a long relationship where you and she don't get along. If this is out of the blue and you and she have been just fine before this: You weren't actually fine, and she's harboring some serious anger toward you. If this is actually another bump in what is already a bumpy relationship: This shouldn't surprise you so much, though it may be especially hurtful since she involved another party.

How involved in each others' lives are you, OP? If you are interacting with her enough to get her this wound up, to the point she insists she has some right to vent to another person about you -- maybe it's past time you and she were less involved and less in touch overall. Unless you and she really must have frequent contact for some reason like caring for parents, or doing business together, I'd ramp back contact. Note that I said ramp back, not cut off entirely. Just think about whether you and she are too involved with each others' lives and whether you have some expectation that "sisters should be friends" etc. that is setting you up to try to see too much of her or comment too much on what she does.

Keep in touch, keep things civil and even cordial, but if you're in each others' lives every day or even every week, I'd start cooling it.

If you have some link like one of you babysits for the other etc. -- I would end that. Probably gradually so it's not some big drama along lines of, "You dumped me as my nephew's sitter because you didn't like my texts!"

I do disagree with posters above that her misdirected texts were no big deal. She could at least have pretended to be chagrined. I wonder if she possibly is glad you got them so you know she's mad, or if she even sent them to you "accidentally on purpose"....But I would not argue this with her if iI were you. I would not mention it again. I'd just gradually get less involved with her while still seeing her and being very cordial at family events.

OP here. Without going into too much detail...she and I are close and talk every day. Her text was about something trivial that did not involve her at all...but her critique was mean and unnecessary. Pure gossip. It hurt a lot.

I guess I have no choice but to just drop this (since the conversation went nowhere and she's refusing to own up to it) and gradually become less close? That really sucks.

Don't be immature about it. You and your sister are close enough to talk every day but you want to pull back because of this? Yes, she should apologize. Yes, it's understandable that your feelings are hurt. I wouldn't let this undermine your relationship unless she said something like, "Ugh, I've never liked [OP]," or some other indication that your entire relationship is built on a lie. I'm not saying you should brush it off completely: tell her again that it hurt your feelings and then move on.

[Anonymous]

What should you do? The classy thing to do, would have been, to respond to her text by saying, "I think you sent this to me by mistake" And then drop it. Sure, you can remember it, and choose to modify what you reveal to her. If you keep revealing things to her, and are hurt by her, that's your stupid decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, surely there's some history between you that would put this into context? I'm not asking you to tell us your whole sibling history, I'm asking you to think through whether this is a weird, one-time thing that came out of the blue and blindsided you entirely...or whether it's the culmination of a long relationship where you and she don't get along. If this is out of the blue and you and she have been just fine before this: You weren't actually fine, and she's harboring some serious anger toward you. If this is actually another bump in what is already a bumpy relationship: This shouldn't surprise you so much, though it may be especially hurtful since she involved another party.

How involved in each others' lives are you, OP? If you are interacting with her enough to get her this wound up, to the point she insists she has some right to vent to another person about you -- maybe it's past time you and she were less involved and less in touch overall. Unless you and she really must have frequent contact for some reason like caring for parents, or doing business together, I'd ramp back contact. Note that I said ramp back, not cut off entirely. Just think about whether you and she are too involved with each others' lives and whether you have some expectation that "sisters should be friends" etc. that is setting you up to try to see too much of her or comment too much on what she does.

Keep in touch, keep things civil and even cordial, but if you're in each others' lives every day or even every week, I'd start cooling it.

If you have some link like one of you babysits for the other etc. -- I would end that. Probably gradually so it's not some big drama along lines of, "You dumped me as my nephew's sitter because you didn't like my texts!"

I do disagree with posters above that her misdirected texts were no big deal. She could at least have pretended to be chagrined. I wonder if she possibly is glad you got them so you know she's mad, or if she even sent them to you "accidentally on purpose"....But I would not argue this with her if iI were you. I would not mention it again. I'd just gradually get less involved with her while still seeing her and being very cordial at family events.

OP here. Without going into too much detail...she and I are close and talk every day. Her text was about something trivial that did not involve her at all...but her critique was mean and unnecessary. Pure gossip. It hurt a lot.

I guess I have no choice but to just drop this (since the conversation went nowhere and she's refusing to own up to it) and gradually become less close? That really sucks.

OP, you were betrayed, no doubt about it. And because of your level of closeness it will be harder to get passed this. Irrespective of what all the PPs here have said, this will change your relationship. The stronger your affection is for someone the harder it is to forget over something like this, even when you've forgiven them. People want their cake and eat it too. She'll want you to forgive and forget but you won't be able to forget so you'll always be suspicious of her. So yes, your relationship has changed. Something similar happened between me and my sister. While we have moved passed the incident and I love and want the best for her but I don't share things with her the way I used to. We have subconsciously moved towards a more guarded relationship. I just have a lower expectation of our relationship now.

[Anonymous]

People tell you who they are all the time, the key is just to listen. She told you something by sending the text and something else by her reaction. You won't change who she is, the question is just how you react.

My brother is the nicest guy in the world, but extremely self involved. I used to get mad when I called him with big news and he immediately started talking about himself, but now I just realize that's who he is. I can choose to talk to him or not.

[Anonymous]

I think with siblings you bicker with, it's best to be direct. Don't try to get her to admit to wrong doing. When she said "I was talking about something you DID" your response should have simply been "and that hurt my feelings". End of your side of the conversation.

If she doesn't want to apologize for that, then I'd agree with the PP who said I'd back up a few steps. It doesn't mean you don't love each other or care for each other. But would you allow a friend to treat you like that? Or only a sister?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it makes you feel any better I once had a friend who accidentally sent me an email (intended for someone else), saying something not so nice about me. She was actually angry at me afterwards, saying that I was wrong for reading it once I realized that it was mistakenly sent to me (I didn’t realize it until I was halfway through the message, fwiw).

This happened to me too, except it was my sister and SIL criticizing how I was managing while my three year old child was dying. I no longer speak to either one.

[Anonymous]

People tell you who they are all the time, the key is just to listen. She told you something by sending the text and something else by her reaction. You won't change who she is, the question is just how you react.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it makes you feel any better I once had a friend who accidentally sent me an email (intended for someone else), saying something not so nice about me. She was actually angry at me afterwards, saying that I was wrong for reading it once I realized that it was mistakenly sent to me (I didn’t realize it until I was halfway through the message, fwiw).

This happened to me too, except it was my sister and SIL criticizing how I was managing while my three year old child was dying. I no longer speak to either one.

Holy crap. That really sucks, all the way around. I'm so sorry.