If you had a great relationship with your parents growing up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At its core - not caring what other people think. Everything flowed from that. So many issues I see in parent/child relationships (control, judgment, disapproval, arguments, tension) are rooted in the parents seeing their reputation and success hinge on their child's behavior, appearance, and achievements. My parents are missing the "but what will the neighbors think??" chip and love and embrace me in all my fullness, warts and all.

This. My mom was this way, and I am, too. I think it is the main reason why we both have close relationships with our children.

I should clarify that this doesn't mean I don't have expectations for my children or that I'm never disappointed in them. But my expectations/disappointments are not based on preserving or establishing *my* reputation. My children are their own people. They are not me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At its core - not caring what other people think. Everything flowed from that. So many issues I see in parent/child relationships (control, judgment, disapproval, arguments, tension) are rooted in the parents seeing their reputation and success hinge on their child's behavior, appearance, and achievements. My parents are missing the "but what will the neighbors think??" chip and love and embrace me in all my fullness, warts and all.

This 100%!! My mother truly believed (and still does) that my sister and I were an extension of her, and constantly worried how we appeared to everyone else. We were always dressed in the best clothes, were never thin enough , it really was awful. Obviously I had a horrible relationship once I was old enough to see what she did (ion my mid 20's). I pledge I will never do this to my kids.

[Anonymous]

My parents were super strict growing up and as a kid/teen I’d probably have characterized our relationship as “okay.” But now that I’m an adult, I consider our relationship great. We are closer now than ever before, and I believe it is because I am mature enough to appreciate how they raised me. We were disciplined for any grades below a B+, for late library books, spanked as children, and only really got gifts on Christmas and our birthdays, and only new clothes if it was back to school or one of the above holidays. I appreciate the mindful, successful, frugal, and hardworking person they turned me into, though I questioned it then.

[Anonymous]

My parents wanted to give us the world but had limited resources to do that. They put themselves second and sacrificed for our eductaion and well-being. That said, we grew up with a strong respect for that and a strong desire to make their sacrifice worthwhile. We also had very close relationships with extended family and knew that was a whole group of people we could depend on. We are also a faith-filled family and that helped us develop a strong sense of morality and self respect.

[Anonymous]

My dad killed himself when I was 11, so I never had a dad while I was growing up, but I had my mom and we were close. She has always been a good mother to me.

[Anonymous]

We had a lot of structure in our household, which interesting because my parents were away a lot and we moved very frequently. We had family meetings, which were clearly rigged by my parents but they still gave us an opportunity for a voice and then later they could slide in a concession or two.

My parents had high ethical and moral expectations for themselves and lived by example for us. They talked about the future with us a lot: what do you want to be when you grow up? why? if you were an xyz, what would you do? They never talked down to us or made fun of us. They respected our opinions even when they vigorously disagreed.

My parents congratulated us on our successes and cried with us in our failures. Yes, they allowed us to fail. They also allowed themselves to fail in front of us and through their actions they taught us to pick ourselves back up, dust ourselves off and to try again. And when we didn't think we had the strength to pick ourselves back up then they were right there supporting us and cheering us on.

Most of all, there was a lot of love. They were not huggers or very demonstrative but we always knew that they loved us and that they loved each other; they showed it in being considerate of each other and us, and always being kind.

[Anonymous]

My mother and father raised us to be independent by age 14. We were allowed to make our own decisions and mistakes- they, of course, gave counsel. It didn't figure out why until it occurred to me that that was my mother's experience (her father died when she was 9 and her mother when she was 14 and her grandmother, with whom she went to live, when she was 16). She taught us to live in the now and take advantage of anything we could and tried to not let money be the reason we did not do something.

My parents were also those parents that other parents said "If Mr. And Mrs.Smith say it is ok, then you can go." They were 10+ years older and were perceived to be conservative (which they were in regard to personal decisions,but not in political/social justice way). I kind of tried to rebel, but they kept agreeing with me- so that did not work. They treated people from every walk of life with kindness and generosity (except one or two people my mother took a dislike to because of the way they neglected issues around aging parents- but that was understandable). I have tried to emulate them.

[Anonymous]

Such a great thread to read. I had an okay dad, but my mom had issues, so am trying to do better by my kids. Great advice from the PPs!

[Anonymous]

My mom always kept her word. Always. If she said no, she meant no. If she said yes, SHE MEANT YES. Full stop. My dad let petty bullshit get in the way, so would say one thing and do another. He would then flat out lie and say he didn't say it. It's hard when you can't count on your parent to do what they said they would.

[Anonymous]

I wasn't close to my parents growing up. My dad was checked out and my mom has textbook NPD so yeah, not fun.
We are closer now but that is after years of therapy for myself (there is nothing wrong with her you know ) and cutting off contact for a year. I needed to reevaluate her role in my life and where to go from there.

However, my friends parents were awesome. They trusted until there was a reason not to (not the other way around). They were always there and never judged no matter what we told them. Not to say they never got mad, but they never judged the decision if it was a first time thing. While my mom tried to force memories on us that weren't meaningful to us, her parents actually knew what mattered to her and took that into account when planning trips, gifts etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All my siblings and I have a great relationship with my parents. I think it was because of a few things - my parents were fair and loved all of us equally. They loved being parents to us and made us a priority. My dad and mom had a loving relationship and my dad taught us by his actions as to how my mother was to be obeyed and respected. We were given freedom to express ourselves and be goofy at home, but we had to adhere to the best behavior and manners outside the home (dad was in military). My parents are very moral, compassionate and principled people. It has proved to be the best lesson in our lives because all we have to do when faced with a decision is to think what mom and dad will do in the same situation and do that.

This explains a lot for me, too. We knew we were loved no matter what and that they enjoyed being with us. We were listened to. We were taught to believe that we were competent and responsible. There were clear rules but they were not arbitrary; we rarely heard "because I said so." We were allowed to voice opinions but still knew who was in charge. We were expected to do our best but knew they were there to pick us up and hug us if we failed. They led by example; they were honest and hard-working people who we did not want to disappoint.

I wish they lived closer so I could see them more often. I treasure every bit of time with them.

[Anonymous]

My parents were and are terrific. Nice balance of discipline and love. The wall that existed and continues to exist between us is because they simply did not "get" me. They tried but I am cut from a different cloth. I always felt loved but rarely understood. Still don't, so that has limited how deep our relationship can go. I don't really know what they could have done differently. I do make an effort to try to get into and understand the things that my kids are passionate about, but we seem to have more in common naturally than I did with my parents. My brother is just like them and has a better relationship than I do. Just the luck of the draw. All that said, I love them dearly and am eternally grateful for everything they did and continue to do for me.

[Anonymous]

I think it was simply believing the best of me. They were disappointed when I didn't live up to the best self I could be. I didn't want to let them down. But as others have said, it was based on a true knowledge of who am I am and what I can achieve rather than what anyone else thought. I am so incredibly lucky. And my kids are too because they are born into a solid and connected extended family. They will never be alone in the world.

[Anonymous]

I think as much of it has to do with the willingness of the kid to embrace the relationship as it does how the parents do their parenting. My parents were wonderful - though they had busy lives, they always made time to be there for us. They encouraged our passions and were highly involved in our school lives (not in a helicopter sort of way). Some of my favorite memories with them were just sitting out on the deck on a summer evening talking, walking the dog as a family, watching a TV series together, etc. Those little moments were so precious and reaffirmed to me that they genuinely cared and enjoyed spending time with us.

However, like I said, it depends on the kid. I was always very easygoing and wanted that relationship with my parents. I loved talking to them and felt very comfortable telling them about most of my life. I didn't cause much trouble in my teenage years. So I made it pretty easy for my parents to have a good relationship with me growing up.

My brother, on the other hand, despite growing up with the same parents, was quite the opposite. He had an awful rebellious streak starting from the age of 12 all through high school. He was closed off from my parents and wasn't very interested in spending time with them. Lots of conflict. So I truly think that it's up to the kid to really enjoy a good relationship.