Lying 13-yo Boy

[Anonymous]

lying about stupid stuff means they are afraid to confront you about the stupid stuff, sometimes.

maybe (just maybe) you should think about your reactions to small things and ask if you are contributing to a bad dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that the real issue is the underlying feeling that causes him to lie. What is the lie about and why did he feel the need to lie about it?

I think these posters are making way too much out of this. I have a 13 YO boy and there is no "underlying feeling" that causes him to lie. He lies because he can. He is testing boundaries to see what will happen and what we will do about it. Sometimes it's about getting himself out of trouble - other times, who knows? If you have a young teen boy, you know that sometimes stuff just comes out of their mouths.

I love, too, love the drive by McDonald's idea. I will adapt and use that to show that words, even those carelessly tossed around, have meaning.

I agree; but sometimes it is more than that, so it is worth OP's time to consider other possibilities since it is troubling her enough to post about it here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:he's hiding in his bed playing video games on the ipad.

If you know that he is playing games when he should not be, don't ask him if he did it. Just take the Ipad and be done with it.

[Anonymous]

Lying in children and teens is EXTREMELY common--normal even--and there is often no more thought behind it than, "If I tell the truth I won't get to do what I want to do." But lying can get to be a habit, and obviously it's a bad one.

Let me say first that what I've listed below obviously doesn't apply to all 13-year-old boys. But perhaps you recognize your own kid here.

The first thing to acknowledge is that delayed gratification, foresight and planning--these are not the strengths of a typical 13-year-old boy.

The second thing to do is acknowledge that in any given week there are roughly 10,000 things you want your young teenage boy to do that he really doesn't feel like doing. School, homework, showering, brushing his teeth, walking the dog, setting the table, turning off the TV, turning off a video game, going to bed, getting dressed, using shampoo, clearing the table, picking up after himself, eating broccoli, helping to bring the groceries in, mowing the lawn, loading the dishwasher and on and on. Your 13-year-old may not want to do any of it. He likely has his own agenda and pretty much nothing you suggest sounds better to him than what he wants to be doing. And this is a problem for someone with an underdeveloped frontal lobe, because he has trouble focusing on why these things might be important. You can talk until you are blue in the face but you can't make a 13-year-old boy understand (or care) that grades matter, that someone has to do the dishes or they pile up, that not brushing your teeth leads to tooth decay, that not showering means that eventually (sometimes quickly) you start to stink. So recognize that, from his perspective, he is constantly being told to do things that he doesn't want to do or doesn't see the point of. He's happy to get out of doing these things if he can.

So he lies to get out of these things. He tells you he already did his homework, that he took a shower when he got home from school, that he already brushed his teeth, that he doesn't know who left the soda can by the computer. He lies because he knows that if he tells you the truth you are going to make him do these things and/or get angry.

My advice:

1. Don't ask him to lie to you. He is telling you, clearly, that he will lie to get out of things. So STOP ASKING HIM. Don't ask him if he did his homework, ask him to go to the computer and log onto blackboard so you can both check the assignments and then ask him to show you the work. Don't ask him if he took a shower, go up to him and give him a hug and take a good whiff of him. Don't ask who ate the last of the ice cream, you can probably just assume it was him. As much as you can, stop asking and start verifying. (Obviously not everything can be verified so easily.)

2. Don't harangue and nag. Have a conversation about lying at a time when he's not in trouble. Tell him how important it is that you be able to trust his word. Tell him that when you can't trust someone, you are reluctant to give them more freedoms. Then stop talking about it. Don't say, "I can't trust you to tell me the truth, so I have to check blackboard myself." Just move to a newly cooperative model of checking homework assignments together. Etc.

3. Recognize that, more and more, he is his own agent and there are some things that you can't verify. So minimize your questions about these things. You can't make him wear a bike helmet when he is out of your sight. You don't have an easy way to verify that he is wearing it. So consider not *asking* him if he is wearing it. Instead, say something like, "I read an article in the paper this morning about a man who died of a head injury in a bike accident. I hope you are always wearing your helmet. It is really, really important."

4. Doing the above means you can (hopefully) have less minute-to-minute lying. Punishments lose their effectiveness when they happen all the time. If he has fewer opportunities to lie about the little stuff, you can save the punishments/consequences for bigger things (like driving down the street and catching him without his bike helmet) as opposed to washing his hair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:he's hiding in his bed playing video games on the ipad.

If you know that he is playing games when he should not be, don't ask him if he did it. Just take the Ipad and be done with it.

Yep, this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:he's hiding in his bed playing video games on the ipad.

If you know that he is playing games when he should not be, don't ask him if he did it. Just take the Ipad and be done with it.

Right. Kids hate questions when the parent knows the answer. It feels like a trap, and who likes that?