Custody schedule 2-2-5 versus one week on/one week off (with midweek overnight)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're asking what is best for the CHILDREN, neither. Most experts agree that children need one home. Going back and forth is very hard on kids. So, every weekend or every other weekend is best for the child. Unfortunately, parents going through divorce rarely make decisions that are best for the children.

And taking away one parent isn't bad?

It wasn't bad for my kids. They had every Wednesday from after school through dinner, then either Friday through Saturday after dinner or Saturday afternoon through Sunday before dinner.

This way they had one home. They knew where all their stuff was, all the time. He attends all parties, games, school events, etc. We only live an hour apart.

So, they get one home and one parent. You are basically restricting the parent to be a parent and they are more like an uncle vs. parent. Kids need equal time with both parents and be comfortable in both homes.

I don't know what world has uncles seeing their nieces twice a week and having them over for sleepovers every weekend. I don't know of any uncles who help their nieces study their spelling words weekly and take their nieces to the dentist.

They Facetime and text daily. They never go more than three days without seeing each other. They ARE comfortable in both homes. When my ex is nearby us he will call to ask if he can come by. If it's around dinner, he gets invited to stay and eat with us.

[Anonymous]

I am a child of divorce and I am so glad I didn't have the back and forth. My niece and nephew do and the older one hates it (not sure what the younger one thinks).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're asking what is best for the CHILDREN, neither. Most experts agree that children need one home. Going back and forth is very hard on kids. So, every weekend or every other weekend is best for the child. Unfortunately, parents going through divorce rarely make decisions that are best for the children.

And taking away one parent isn't bad?

It wasn't bad for my kids. They had every Wednesday from after school through dinner, then either Friday through Saturday after dinner or Saturday afternoon through Sunday before dinner.

This way they had one home. They knew where all their stuff was, all the time. He attends all parties, games, school events, etc. We only live an hour apart.

I grew up with this and it sucked. I always felt like a guest in my dad's home, and we never got to just be together, it was always an event during his visitation time because there was so little of it. I think I would have liked something with more time with him every week.

[Anonymous]

I know a couple where they move to an apartment when it is their turn and the kids stay in their house. It works for them and the kids seem happier.

[Anonymous]

The two families that I know that seem to have the best arrangements are both families where the parents still live close together and the custody is flexible. They both do a week on / week off but aren't rigid about it. they also still both share extracurricular driving and attending for both kids, their week or not (if both have something on Wednesday - one takes son to soccer, other takes daughter to dance). If kids forget something at the other house, they bike over or stop by and get it. If someone is just having a really bad day and needs mom/dad (not their week), that parent comes. Or kid needs dad or mom for school project / homework help, that parent comes.

Basically they do a week at each house but both parents are still parenting both weeks.

[Anonymous]

2 on, 2 off, 3 on. Repeat. You get a three-day weekend every other week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're asking what is best for the CHILDREN, neither. Most experts agree that children need one home. Going back and forth is very hard on kids. So, every weekend or every other weekend is best for the child. Unfortunately, parents going through divorce rarely make decisions that are best for the children.

And taking away one parent isn't bad?

It wasn't bad for my kids. They had every Wednesday from after school through dinner, then either Friday through Saturday after dinner or Saturday afternoon through Sunday before dinner.

This way they had one home. They knew where all their stuff was, all the time. He attends all parties, games, school events, etc. We only live an hour apart.

So, they get one home and one parent. You are basically restricting the parent to be a parent and they are more like an uncle vs. parent. Kids need equal time with both parents and be comfortable in both homes.

No. Parents want that. The vast majority of child psychologists believe kids do better without all the back and forth. Unfortunately most parents are not willing to put their kids first.

Can you back that up with data?

[Anonymous]

I knew of a family where the kids stayed in their family home and mom and dad moved out during the other's visitation week.

Mom got a small stui apartment nearby on the weeks dad had custody. Dad stayed with his mom on the weeks mom had custody. Kids kept their rooms, their stuff, their friends, their routine, their pets and their school. Eventually mom took a job as a travelling nurse where she went out of town (lodging provided) during dad's week.

Their rstional was that this was their screw up, not the kids' so why punish the kids and disrupt their lives any more than they already did.

I was always impressed with them for adulting and parenting so well.

What about an arrangement like that OP? It really would be the best for the kids.

[Anonymous]

^^^ and both parents showed up for all activities unless they were out of town.

[Anonymous]

I'm a solo parent, but from my experience as a teacher, there's something to be said for consistent week days, especially once afterschool activities kick in. Kids like rituals, and knowing that every week Daddy takes me to ballet, and then we get Starbucks. Or that we have breakfasat for dinner with mom before soccer practice on Tuesday. Or that Fridays are movie nights with Mom can be really grounding and fund for a kid.

So, if you did a schedule with alternating weekends, I'd be tempted to do something like:



Sat/Sun/Mon/Tues night with mom

Wed/Thur/Fri/Sat night with Dad

Sun/Mon/Tues night with mom

Wed/Thurs/Fri night with Dad

Sat/Sun/Mon/Tuesday nights with mom

etc . .

So that other than Saturday night, which would switch, the nights are still the same each week.

[Anonymous]

2-2-3 was WAY too many transitions for my kids. We did it for a year and then went to a 7-7 with a midweek dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I knew of a family where the kids stayed in their family home and mom and dad moved out during the other's visitation week.

Mom got a small stui apartment nearby on the weeks dad had custody. Dad stayed with his mom on the weeks mom had custody. Kids kept their rooms, their stuff, their friends, their routine, their pets and their school. Eventually mom took a job as a travelling nurse where she went out of town (lodging provided) during dad's week.

Their rstional was that this was their screw up, not the kids' so why punish the kids and disrupt their lives any more than they already did.

I was always impressed with them for adulting and parenting so well.

What about an arrangement like that OP? It really would be the best for the kids.

This sounds fluffy and nice, but it has to change when one parent decides to remarry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're asking what is best for the CHILDREN, neither. Most experts agree that children need one home. Going back and forth is very hard on kids. So, every weekend or every other weekend is best for the child. Unfortunately, parents going through divorce rarely make decisions that are best for the children.

And taking away one parent isn't bad?

It wasn't bad for my kids. They had every Wednesday from after school through dinner, then either Friday through Saturday after dinner or Saturday afternoon through Sunday before dinner.

This way they had one home. They knew where all their stuff was, all the time. He attends all parties, games, school events, etc. We only live an hour apart.

So, they get one home and one parent. You are basically restricting the parent to be a parent and they are more like an uncle vs. parent. Kids need equal time with both parents and be comfortable in both homes.

I don't know what world has uncles seeing their nieces twice a week and having them over for sleepovers every weekend. I don't know of any uncles who help their nieces study their spelling words weekly and take their nieces to the dentist.

They Facetime and text daily. They never go more than three days without seeing each other. They ARE comfortable in both homes. When my ex is nearby us he will call to ask if he can come by. If it's around dinner, he gets invited to stay and eat with us.

+1. 1 parent with full custody doesn't necessarily mean the other parent is an uncle. Kids don't necessarily need equal time to have 2 parents. We do this for reasons that are specific to parent health issues and professional obligations, but it doesn't make that parent less of a parent. My kids live with me 24/7, but ex dines with us several times a week and he is welcome (with some limits) in my home. Kids also go to his house but never spend the night there. This is what works for us. Kids are very well-adjusted.

That said, we had friends who chose differently -- started with rotating kid to each parent's home by week. 7 days was too long. Child wanted to see parents more often. So, parents switched to 2-2-3 where each parent has a stable set of weeknights and they alternate weekends, which effectively works out to 2-5. So, Mom is M,T, Dad is W, TH and alternate weekends means that Mom has a block of 5 that is F to Tues., and Dad has a weekend block that is Wed. to Sun. I think they have bioparent and biokids family dinner on Sunday to do scheduling for the week.

Do what works for your child and your family. There are no rules. Whatever 2 parents can agree upon, the courts will sign off on as long as both parents have representation and there is no intimation of undue pressure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're asking what is best for the CHILDREN, neither. Most experts agree that children need one home. Going back and forth is very hard on kids. So, every weekend or every other weekend is best for the child. Unfortunately, parents going through divorce rarely make decisions that are best for the children.

And taking away one parent isn't bad?

It wasn't bad for my kids. They had every Wednesday from after school through dinner, then either Friday through Saturday after dinner or Saturday afternoon through Sunday before dinner.

This way they had one home. They knew where all their stuff was, all the time. He attends all parties, games, school events, etc. We only live an hour apart.

I grew up with this and it sucked. I always felt like a guest in my dad's home, and we never got to just be together, it was always an event during his visitation time because there was so little of it. I think I would have liked something with more time with him every week.

I'm sorry that was your experience. We BOTH check in with our kids about how it's going regarding visitation and this is what we've settled on based on schedules AND the kids desires. My ex lives in the home the kids used to live in. I'm the one who moved. So they're perfectly comfortable at his house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're asking what is best for the CHILDREN, neither. Most experts agree that children need one home. Going back and forth is very hard on kids. So, every weekend or every other weekend is best for the child. Unfortunately, parents going through divorce rarely make decisions that are best for the children.

And taking away one parent isn't bad?

It wasn't bad for my kids. They had every Wednesday from after school through dinner, then either Friday through Saturday after dinner or Saturday afternoon through Sunday before dinner.

This way they had one home. They knew where all their stuff was, all the time. He attends all parties, games, school events, etc. We only live an hour apart.

So, they get one home and one parent. You are basically restricting the parent to be a parent and they are more like an uncle vs. parent. Kids need equal time with both parents and be comfortable in both homes.

I don't know what world has uncles seeing their nieces twice a week and having them over for sleepovers every weekend. I don't know of any uncles who help their nieces study their spelling words weekly and take their nieces to the dentist.

They Facetime and text daily. They never go more than three days without seeing each other. They ARE comfortable in both homes. When my ex is nearby us he will call to ask if he can come by. If it's around dinner, he gets invited to stay and eat with us.

+1. 1 parent with full custody doesn't necessarily mean the other parent is an uncle. Kids don't necessarily need equal time to have 2 parents. We do this for reasons that are specific to parent health issues and professional obligations, but it doesn't make that parent less of a parent. My kids live with me 24/7, but ex dines with us several times a week and he is welcome (with some limits) in my home. Kids also go to his house but never spend the night there. This is what works for us. Kids are very well-adjusted.

That said, we had friends who chose differently -- started with rotating kid to each parent's home by week. 7 days was too long. Child wanted to see parents more often. So, parents switched to 2-2-3 where each parent has a stable set of weeknights and they alternate weekends, which effectively works out to 2-5. So, Mom is M,T, Dad is W, TH and alternate weekends means that Mom has a block of 5 that is F to Tues., and Dad has a weekend block that is Wed. to Sun. I think they have bioparent and biokids family dinner on Sunday to do scheduling for the week.

Do what works for your child and your family. There are no rules. Whatever 2 parents can agree upon, the courts will sign off on as long as both parents have representation and there is no intimation of undue pressure.

That is not being a parent by dining with kids a few times a week. It is what woks for you.