Check in expectations when 17 year old is away from home

[Anonymous]

The answer depends on my kid's track record and who the friends and parents are.

Do you trust your daughter and her friends to stay out of trouble, and do you know and trust the parents to be responsible chaperones? If so, I would want a text to know she had arrived safely. And maybe a text each evening to let me know that things were okay.

If not, then DD wouldn't go. She'd hate me, but over your head with boys, drunk friends, and absent adults is not a good scene for a 17 year old girl.

[Anonymous]

I can see her on Life360 and credit/debit charges. Other than that, I don't need a check in. I might ask a question and she will reply. I was away in college when I was 17.

[Anonymous]

Many 17 year olds are going to college in the fall.

Leave it to her to check in with you anytime she feels the need. If there is a problem or something goin wrong then I am sure she or the parents will let you know. If she wants you to know more or she wants to talk to you she will reach out.

What is the point of a check-in? It is so helicoptery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many 17 year olds are going to college in the fall.

Leave it to her to check in with you anytime she feels the need. If there is a problem or something goin wrong then I am sure she or the parents will let you know. If she wants you to know more or she wants to talk to you she will reach out.

What is the point of a check-in? It is so helicoptery.

Some parents actually care about their kids and want to know they are ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many 17 year olds are going to college in the fall.

Leave it to her to check in with you anytime she feels the need. If there is a problem or something goin wrong then I am sure she or the parents will let you know. If she wants you to know more or she wants to talk to you she will reach out.

What is the point of a check-in? It is so helicoptery.

Some parents actually care about their kids and want to know they are ok.

Mom, i am plastered, but inam.ok .just checked in

[Anonymous]

Our kids are in high school and older. We're just honest with them: "We'll worry if we don't hear from you every once in a while, so please text us periodically." The "periodically" part varies depending on age and the nature of the trip. For a 17 y.o. at the beach with minimal adult supervision (you don't know the parents well, but they're going to notice if the girls don't come home at night, right?), I'd ask for a daily text along the lines of the "I'm still alive; love you," cited by a PP. I also find that if I send an occasional picture -- e.g., "Fido misses you" with Fido sprawled out in front of DD's closed bedroom door), I can elicit a response. Another reliable poke: "Nats choke again. Sigh."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many 17 year olds are going to college in the fall.

Leave it to her to check in with you anytime she feels the need. If there is a problem or something goin wrong then I am sure she or the parents will let you know. If she wants you to know more or she wants to talk to you she will reach out.

What is the point of a check-in? It is so helicoptery.

Some parents actually care about their kids and want to know they are ok.

Whatever you need to assuage your own insecurities......

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many 17 year olds are going to college in the fall.

Leave it to her to check in with you anytime she feels the need. If there is a problem or something goin wrong then I am sure she or the parents will let you know. If she wants you to know more or she wants to talk to you she will reach out.

What is the point of a check-in? It is so helicoptery.

Some parents actually care about their kids and want to know they are ok.

I had a friend in college whose mother called her 4 times a day. She probably said the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the parents are there, why would a 17-year-old need to check in more than once every couple of days?! Do you know the family? Is there some trust issue? I have a 17-year-old girl who has spent time most summers off at soccer ID camps, at the beach, etc., and my expectations are to hear from her when she arrives, a couple of times during the time away, and right before she leaves. Others may have different expectations, but that's how we do it.

Define there - not all parents will supervise and check in. Some may just be sleeping in the same house, which is very different from knowing where the girls are, checking in with them, etc.

OP here - this is how I'm interpreting the situation. Although I have met the parents, I don't know them well. Girls are also driving on their own separately from the parents.
This will be the first time DD has gone away with friends for more than a night or two. She's gone to camps and on organized group trips with "chaperones" several times. We don't expect that she check in on these trips, but this one is much less structured.

Thanks for the advice. I appreciate the various perspectives.

I would have never allowed my 17 year old to drive with a group of kids and be loosely supervised. Yes, she'll go to college soon but it does not involve driving in a car with a group that does not know where they are going. My husband's child and his girlfriend were seriously injured going away for a weekend (mom gave them permission and dad did not know) and goofing off in the car. She was not paying attention when driving.

That's what you think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many 17 year olds are going to college in the fall.

Leave it to her to check in with you anytime she feels the need. If there is a problem or something goin wrong then I am sure she or the parents will let you know. If she wants you to know more or she wants to talk to you she will reach out.

What is the point of a check-in? It is so helicoptery.

Some parents actually care about their kids and want to know they are ok.

If they aren't okay, someone will let you know. If they need to talk to you, they will get in touch. You don't need to check in to see if they are okay.

they are only going to tell you what they want you to know anyways. how often you check-in has nothing to do with caring about your kids. I mean, they coulb e not okay, 5 minutes after your call so if you think it is the check ins that let you know they are okay or that you care, you need to check in constantly.

[Anonymous]

I went out of town with some friends when I was 17 and my cousin went along. She had just turned 18. My mom handed me quite a bit of money and said "Have fun!" My cousin's mom made her go with a chaperone and told her that she had to stay with her at all times. The chaperone also had to keep her money for her. Fast forward almost 30 years.... I've been independent and have lived an amazing life. My cousin still lives within a few minutes drive of her mom, and still lets her make most of her decisions for her, although she's been married with a child for years. Sucks to be her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many 17 year olds are going to college in the fall.

Leave it to her to check in with you anytime she feels the need. If there is a problem or something goin wrong then I am sure she or the parents will let you know. If she wants you to know more or she wants to talk to you she will reach out.

What is the point of a check-in? It is so helicoptery.

Some parents actually care about their kids and want to know they are ok.

I had a friend in college whose mother called her 4 times a day. She probably said the same thing.

I called my mom or dad every day or every few days in college. My phone bill was very high. They never complained. Kept mom happy and they paid the bills.