do both working spouses deal with finding care for days off from school?
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Anonymous
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I make 100% of the childcare arrangements. Due to my spouse's job, when my kids were small, if school was cancelled due to snow, I did 100% of the coverage. We almost never had sick kids so that wasn't an issue for us. For school days off, I always look at the calendar in the summer and arranged camps unless we wanted to take a vacation.
Honestly, it's not a big deal for me to arrange the care. There are tons of things that have to be done to make a family and household work and some I hate to do or am not very good at doing, so I don't do them. But, I'm good at finding good care that fits our budget, so it makes sense that I do it. |
Anonymous
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I generally did the arranging. We shared who took off.
But, we like to vacation together and try to balance days lost to kid stuff so we can. We have other areas where our marriage is disfunctional, but not this one. |
Anonymous
OP here. We do this but then he doesn't take off or do anything for his days so they end up back in me. Honestly I don't think he values my job or me for that matter. I make about 1/4 of his salary ($100k vs. $285k) |
Anonymous
| Whoops, meant to type 1/3 |
Anonymous
NP here. So you invest the time to plan together then he never follows the plan? He's committing to being available certain days, planned well in advance, and then simply says no when the time comes? Wow. He not only dismisses and devalues your job, he also dismissed and devalues the commitments he has made to both you AND your child. He needs a "come to Jesus" talk as the saying goes. It sounds as if you've built up a lot of resentment of his attitude and his behavior, and understandably so. This is no longer about how working spouses deal with care issues--you see that, right, OP? That's just a symptom; the deeper problem is his apparently firm belief that his job, his time, his income are all more important than yours. He may deny he believes that, but you have his actions to point to as evidence. He needs to hear that you feel jerked around and then belittled when he makes a show of doing a schedule with you then does not keep his word. Does he find other ways to show how he is the more important person in the household? Comments about your income level, pressure to just give up your job if you can't handle that plus child care issues, lack of interest in what you do in your work? Those to me are red flags that he sees your work as a disposable hobby since he has no respect for your work schedule but expects you to respect his schedule unquestioningly. If that sounds familiar, he needs to hear it. Don't talk when he's got to get to bed "because I have a long work day tomorrow" or when he's going to claim, "I want to unwind after my work week so we can't discuss this now" etc. Use examples and phrases like, "When you do/say X, I feel/think Y." Don't let the discussion peter out; it should end only after some actions are scheduled (like, he commits to covering on a specific upcoming day your child has an event when you have a deadline or whatever). If he blows it off when the time actually comes, then I'd be telling him that couples counseling is non-negotiable because of the problem with respect in your marriage. I hope that hearing how you feel disrespected and let down will be enough to get him to follow a schedule HE agreed to. My DH has a lot of responsibility in his job but has always worked hard to accommodate my needs or our DD's schedule. He actually wants me not to have to handle everything like half days off school etc. because he wants to be around his own child and be part of her life, and he wants me to get a break. Your DH needs to see he's pushing his wife away and losing time with his child when he thinks he's doing you both a favor by making more money than you do. |
Anonymous
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I think it is the WAH situation, probably. I have a flexible schedule but when I am at work, I have to be at work for the set hours that I am scheduled. My H knows this. So if we know ahead of time that a day is an issue, I try to move my schedule. But if something comes up suddenly, he has to deal with it. He works out of the home as well and makes more money, but he has an office job that he can leave early or go in late or whatever and it's fine.
I think what helped too is that he was out of work and home with the kids for a year. While I did not enjoy that and it was problematic on many fronts, one of the good things was that he became much more aware of the kids' needs and schedules and how to arrange for babysitters, so now he has that skill set and is comfortable problem solving the kids' schedule. Obviously, I am not advocating that your H quit his job. But maybe he is not comfortable arranging care and needs help figuring out options and so forth. But when it is just that you want him to take off of work instead of you--you'll probably just have to be really strong-willed that your work can not be interrupted. Or start working out of the home so it is not an option. Good luck! |
Anonymous
| I'm the default parent, and I have more flexibility to telework, but he has more holidays off. (he's DOD, I'm private sector.) So we go through the calendar every fall and I generally take the non-holiday teacher work days if I don't have a conflict, and he takes all the holidays I don't have off. I generally take the snow days because I can telework; he can't. |
Anonymous
| I think you wake up on the day that school is out - the days you already asked him to take care off and plan for - and you go work form a coffee shop or wherever so that he has to deal with it. My DH won't learn anything unless he experiences it himself, and it sounds like this is the same for yours. So, you wake up, you say ok, i'm off for work, remember that Susie's school is closed, so I'm sure you've got something arranged, and you peace out. Do it once and he'll figure it out. |
Anonymous
| He does snow days and vacation. I do most teacher workdays, sick days and dentist if I am not traveling. My job is a lot more flexible ....he is a teacher. |
Anonymous
| why does it matter what other couples do? |
Anonymous
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We take turns on who is off for sick days or snow days. We plan a sitter in advance for days school is closed.
I think you need to talk to him about how it bothers you that he doesn't live up to his end of the bargain--- but also realize there is a good chance this is not going to change. Look at the school calendar and come up with alternate childcare arrangements on days that school is closed instead of relying on him to take off those days. Sick days and snow days -- ask him straight out what the plan is if you need to work and let him come up with a solution and hold him to it. |
Anonymous
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We have the reverse situation - I work 10-12 hour days in the office, and my husband works from home. I arrange care, fill out all the forms, and handle summer camps. We split pick-up/drop-off as it makes the most sense with our respective schedules. He is responsible for sick kid pickups, ferrying to doctors' appointments/some activities, and nearly anything involving a late start/early departure. He works an 8 hour day with no commute; I commute 2 hours and work a 9-10 hours day. I don't think it's unfair to ask that he help out in this respect.
I make a lot more money than he does. I don't say this as the money makes me more important, but, in terms of what job we impact with time-off requests, it makes more sense to do that with the one that, if we lost, it would be easier to replace and have less impact on our budget. |
Anonymous
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Just make it clear that he either needs to take the time off or book a drop-in option and leave the house. Sounds like money isn't an issue and I'm sure people have suggestions for drop-in days if you share your school district.
To echo, I think this is a communication/respect problem, not a days-off problem. |
Anonymous
yep, sounds like your husband's solution is to have you do absolutely everything. all. the. time. |