Grandparents that don't live nearby

[Anonymous]

My parents lived a 12 hour plane ride away from us when the kids were 1 and 2. I didn't travel to see them until the kids were 4 and 5. We have done this trip maybe 4 times and I'm so done. I'm not a good traveller and spend most of the flights throwing up.

[Anonymous]

I think it goes both ways. My parents, who are my children's only grandparents, are a 4 hour flight away. They visit us on the west coast twice a year and we visit them for 5-6 weeks in the summer. I want my children to have a relationship with their grandparents and vice versa so that is why I make that commitment each summer.

[Anonymous]

My parents live on the west coast. We try to go out once a year (Christmas or summer), and my mom comes out for Thanksgiving. Everyone is still working at this point, so vacation days are precious and flights are long and expensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't feel obligated to go visit them. Are they constantly bringing up that you should come and visit? If so, then yeah, I'd probably feel pressure to do so and probably would try to make it, if possible. If they do not bring it up, then maybe for them 6 months without a visit is ok. It really depends on the family.

My in-laws are halfway across the world and come to visit 1x a year, sometimes twice. My husband wanted to go visit them with our daughter but I wasn't up to it - with 3 flights each way with a very young child. If they couldn't visit then I'd perhaps reconsider.

Why didn't he and the kid go without you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In your situation, I would expect the grandparents to travel to you. Maybe they are waiting for an invitation? Have you spoken to them about visiting?

We go to Chicago 1-2x a year (Xmas, July 4th weeks) and often meet up at a vacation destination (1 week). They will visit for a long weekend 1x/year or less.

Other family visits from Europe 1 or 2x a year for 3 weeks at a time. We go there every 18-24 months - kids are now 2 and 4 and still a painful trip with the jet lag on each end. And nap times, packing diapers for one, long haul flights suk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents live on the west coast. We try to go out once a year (Christmas or summer), and my mom comes out for Thanksgiving. Everyone is still working at this point, so vacation days are precious and flights are long and expensive.

Agree, wanted to mention that we both work full-time and each had SAHMs, but I think they all understand that we can't truly "host" them for 3 weeks as we are each going to the office, and we want a mix of vacations alone as a nuclear family and sometimes visiting extending family.

[Anonymous]

I just send my husband up with the kids to visit his mom. I get a break and she enjoys the alone with her son.

[Anonymous]

My parents live in Europe.

Apart from last year when they showed up to take care of me when I was severely ill and stayed for a month, we see them once a year for 10 days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ I wish I hadn't always been right by my husband's side, always. It never really occurred to me to encourage alone time between he and his parents without me. They would have really appreciated that.

What made you realize that this is important?

[Anonymous]

We have two sets of long distance grandparents. All retired, all in good or great health, all much better off financially than us. We simply cannot visit each set more than once given time off, school schedules, and the cost of 4 flights.

So we go once to each set. Given our littlest is very little and changing time zones with a little napping child is my idea of a nightmare, H currently takes our oldest himself to see his parents and we will all start going again in a year or so when the littlest one stops napping.

Then we leave it up to the grandparents. They can come any time, just check in on dates with us. One set usually comes every other month, the other comes once a year. Like you, the set that doesn't come has multiple grandchildren that live within an hour of them.

[Anonymous]

My parents drive from D.C. to the New York area to see my brother's kids at least four times a year. (Until I give birth they are the only grandkids.) Parents are in their late 60s, not retired, in good health (knock wood). Sometime they go up to babysit for a few days while my brother and his wife take a trip.

My brother also brings the kids down about twice a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're in the same position. I tell them they're welcome anytime, but that we do not have the time off to travel to them.

This is us, as well. And when they comment about DC not wanting to be with them when they visit -they go years in between- I remind them they DC doesn't really know them. The last time DC has seen the was XXX, what do they expect?

Sorry, I don't feel the need to force a relationship down DC's throat when they are interested, in between their friends and traveling. I don't begrudge them those things but the fact is that they've chosen their priority. We have some local family and lots of family friends who fill that void. Makes me sad DC won't have the same relationships I had with my grandparents, but she doesn't know any better.

[Anonymous]

I don't feel like there's obligation in either direction, but I also haven't talked to my mother for over half my life now, so perhaps I am not as sentimental as some other people.

DH's parents live across the country. Five hour plane ride. They come to visit every other month for the most part. We go there 4-5 times a year.

[Anonymous]

I have 22 month twins and haven't travelled with them because since birth one twin has had 5 surgeries. My mother came once for a week when they were two months old. I have repeatedly invites them to visit. They are well off, two pensions well off, with amazing health care. They are taking care of my own grandparents who live in a retirement community with 24 hour live in care. When I pleaded with my mother to come she told me she had her own life. They aren't close with my sister or her four kids. So they don't know them. All my mother does is buy my sister's kids clothes and toys which she mails to them. She doesn't send much of anything to my kids. My sister was shocked when I told her. Anyhow, they finally consented to visit for the kids baptism. I think you ha be to pick your battles and frankly ask yourself, do you want to invest that time in your parents? That is terrible I know but you have to make a choice at some point.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you moved, therefore the responsibility is with you to travel to them.

Also, it will make your parents happy so you need to do it if you love them at all.