Husband going out after work while on maternity leave

[Anonymous]

I would not be happy with that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely not. My DH came straight home from work while I was on leave, because I requested it and because he loves me. But he didn't REALLY understand until he took 6 weeks off after I went back to work. He was so psyched for me to get home. Until baby is sleeping through the night, you get the commute as your "me" time, and otherwise you're working for money or you're working for family. It does get easier. We both have post-work and weekend fun plenty now. (Baby is 1.) But not in those early days.

IMO, you don't need to have a big confrontation about it. Just arrange for him to have the baby for a full day (like, you're actually out of the house) so he understands the unrelenting nature of caring for a infant.

Thank you! That's what I was hoping....I feel like if I try to explain this to him, though (that staying home on maternity leave with young infant is different than permanently being a SAHM as baby gets older), it sounds like I'm making excuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh and change that up it's shouldn't be his priority to "help with the infant". It should be his priority to spend time with his infant and wife and take care of the two of you. We nixed the "help" functions of dh beth early. I didn't ask him to "help" me donabything. I just asked him to do whatever and let him do it his way and figure it out. I also highly highly reccomended a couple weeks paternity leave for him when the baby is 4/5 months old. It was eye opening for dh to be all alone with the baby in he house and figure out how to leave for an outing between feeds and changes and naps. Not to mention anything else like laundry or dinner. In a week he had a good routine going but was so happy to see me come home and have another adult in the house.

You're right! I always said I wouldn't use that terminology (along with "dad is babysitting [his own kid!]"...but I've found that since he's back to work and I'm still on leave, I say "help" (with the baby) way more than I should.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Oh and change that up it's shouldn't be his priority to "help with the infant". It should be his priority to spend time with his infant and wife and take care of the two of you. We nixed the "help" functions of dh beth early. I didn't ask him to "help" me donabything. I just asked him to do whatever and let him do it his way and figure it out. I also highly highly reccomended a couple weeks paternity leave for him when the baby is 4/5 months old. It was eye opening for dh to be all alone with the baby in he house and figure out how to leave for an outing between feeds and changes and naps. Not to mention anything else like laundry or dinner. In a week he had a good routine going but was so happy to see me come home and have another adult in the house.

+1. His priority should be PARENTING. He's a parent, not a helper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely not. My DH came straight home from work while I was on leave, because I requested it and because he loves me. But he didn't REALLY understand until he took 6 weeks off after I went back to work. He was so psyched for me to get home. Until baby is sleeping through the night, you get the commute as your "me" time, and otherwise you're working for money or you're working for family. It does get easier. We both have post-work and weekend fun plenty now. (Baby is 1.) But not in those early days.

IMO, you don't need to have a big confrontation about it. Just arrange for him to have the baby for a full day (like, you're actually out of the house) so he understands the unrelenting nature of caring for a infant.

Thank you! That's what I was hoping....I feel like if I try to explain this to him, though (that staying home on maternity leave with young infant is different than permanently being a SAHM as baby gets older), it sounds like I'm making excuses.

Well, first of all, just because in theory you wanted to be a SAHM does not mean you can't change your mind now that you actually have a kid. Second of all, even if you were a SAHM with an older baby/child, he STILL couldn't go out multiple nights until 8pm just for fun. Just because you stay at home doesn't mean that you have to do 100% of the household labor. When he's off work, he should be pitching in 50%. Otherwise you're doing much more than your share.

[Anonymous]

If you aren't saying anything to him, how is he supposed to know that you are bothered? If you aren't asking him to do anything around the house/for the baby/to help you, how does he know that you need help?

[Anonymous]

If this behavior is new then it is totally unacceptable. If he did these things pre-baby, then it's a matter of letting him know he needs to adjust his schedule so he comes home right after work at least 4x a week. Having a newborn is not easy and he needs to participate. If he's like this now, it'll just get worse later. My DH used to do everything in his power to rush home from work with our first born. He felt guilty for being at work because he appreciated how difficult it was to care of a baby without help for 8+ hours. Is he present on the weekends?

Oh yeah, i would try to avoid having my newborn in a car for as long as possible and try to walk everywhere. If things are not within walking distance, get a delivery service for your groceries, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely not. My DH came straight home from work while I was on leave, because I requested it and because he loves me. But he didn't REALLY understand until he took 6 weeks off after I went back to work. He was so psyched for me to get home. Until baby is sleeping through the night, you get the commute as your "me" time, and otherwise you're working for money or you're working for family. It does get easier. We both have post-work and weekend fun plenty now. (Baby is 1.) But not in those early days.

IMO, you don't need to have a big confrontation about it. Just arrange for him to have the baby for a full day (like, you're actually out of the house) so he understands the unrelenting nature of caring for a infant.

Thank you! That's what I was hoping....I feel like if I try to explain this to him, though (that staying home on maternity leave with young infant is different than permanently being a SAHM as baby gets older), it sounds like I'm making excuses.

It would be nice if he could switch off with paternity leave. It is so nice when you can get out for the day to work, where you can be with other adults you can converse with and you can do work for which you actually feel appreciated. You'll feel so different at the end of the day than when you've been home with the baby all day.

[Anonymous]

I encouraged my husband to go to ALL the work stuff and to do he with friends while I was on leave. Now that I'm back at work at need him home on time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this behavior is new then it is totally unacceptable. If he did these things pre-baby, then it's a matter of letting him know he needs to adjust his schedule so he comes home right after work at least 4x a week. Having a newborn is not easy and he needs to participate. If he's like this now, it'll just get worse later. My DH used to do everything in his power to rush home from work with our first born. He felt guilty for being at work because he appreciated how difficult it was to care of a baby without help for 8+ hours. Is he present on the weekends?

Oh yeah, i would try to avoid having my newborn in a car for as long as possible and try to walk everywhere. If things are not within walking distance, get a delivery service for your groceries, etc.

One of the only times I saw my husband cry was the first time he didn't make it home before bedtime and he realized he hadn't seen the baby all day. He definitely has work events, and occasionally meets up with a colleague for a drink after work, but he not only feels an obligation to help me, he also loves his kid and wants to see her. 1-2 times a week isn't horrible, but every week--that's a lot, and it can start to add up. I would talk to him and say that you miss him in the evenings, and ask if he can cut down on the non-essential outings.

[Anonymous]

I was ok with it for an important networking event once in a while, morseo as the baby got a little older and I wasn't feeling as shell-shocked. (Took off 6 months with the first, then 5 months with the second.) But a last minute "I want to get drinks with friends" when my first was still in the colic-reflux-low-weight gaining hell would have been enough for me to break down in tears. At that point, I spent most evenings by the front door trying to calm the baby who hadn't napped all day and singing some version of "Where the eff is your father" as I desperately waited for him to pull in the driveway.

And being stuck without a car like you are would drive me over the edge unless I lived in a very walkable place. Having a newborn is isolating enough already....

[Anonymous]

Is he taking paternity leave when you go back to work? I think it would help a lot in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was ok with it for an important networking event once in a while, morseo as the baby got a little older and I wasn't feeling as shell-shocked. (Took off 6 months with the first, then 5 months with the second.) But a last minute "I want to get drinks with friends" when my first was still in the colic-reflux-low-weight gaining hell would have been enough for me to break down in tears. At that point, I spent most evenings by the front door trying to calm the baby who hadn't napped all day and singing some version of "Where the eff is your father" as I desperately waited for him to pull in the driveway.

And being stuck without a car like you are would drive me over the edge unless I lived in a very walkable place. Having a newborn is isolating enough already....

This was me too. It was "all hands on deck" those first few months.

[Anonymous]

I would be livid. Def have him take some paternity if you can. My DH didn't truly 'get' being a parent until he was home alone with the baby. He actually told work that he'd get all of his tasks done while on paternity bc how hard could watching an infant be? He learned, which was way more effective than me lecturing.

Also, you need to get over 'feeling bad' for these things. You all should be equal team members as parents. Asking for things you need from your partner is part of the marriage game. If you need time away from the baby, or adult conversation, or to feel like a priority, or anything else - you ask for it without the guilt! Men, I think, take what they need. Women feel the need to ask for it, and then we don't, and then we are resentful and guilt-ridden. Think and act like a man and take what you need.

[Anonymous]

This is probably somewhat irrelevant soon if baby is 11 weeks and you are going back to work in a week. Now you, too, can decide to do happy hour and can tell him it is his day to do pick up/bedtime.