Overcompensating for lack of extended family relationships

[Anonymous]

Our kids don't have any first cousins close in age and our family doesn't live nearby. I love that idea of 1st cousins as close as siblings, large family gatherings etc. but that's not to be their story. What we have done is make more of an effort to keep in touch with our first cousins and our kids getting to know each other. We have taken family vacations in the same city as our first cousins and as part of the vacations the kids have gotten to know each other. We stay at hotels but will do a tourist activity or two with cousins, dinner, and maybe a kid sleepover. We were absolutely thrilled when cousins come out this way. My MIL is actually still close to a first cousin that is an only child and sees her (many states away) at least twice a year and has included her in vacations.

As for friends, for Thanksgiving you have to connect with other people with family far away. I know someone that ends up hosting Thanksgiving at their house and having friends over that aren't from the area and don't have family within driving distance. I think right now because your son is young it is harder to connect with families wth children the same age/gender? Once he is in elementary school full-time and if he starts playing sports, MSI, basketball etc, you will get to know more people. I can't tell you how many people I've spoken to either because of the need to carpool for an activity or spending hours at various games. I also joined a mom's group when the kids were young and met a few close friends from that. Just know that it takes time.

[Anonymous]

OP, I've had both a different and a similar experience to yours, and I want to encourage you to reach out and build connections because I promise they're out there.

I grew up in a HUGE extended family and have a sibling who has children. Holiday get-togethers, growing up with nearby cousins, all of that. It was mostly wonderful and we still have an annual reunion that people faithfully attend.

BUT, I also live far away from all of them - my only doesn't see them regularly enough to build the kind of relationships that I had as a kid. And I wanted to have more children too, but couldn't and I do still grieve that.

Lucky for us, we have a long-term group of friends that we've known since before any of us were married or parents. We don't see each other as much, but still get together as much as we can. We also have an amazing group of neighbors and the posse of kids that we all have are growing up like cousins. And now that dd is in school, we've gotten to know some really wonderful families there too. We are fortunate to have close enough connections among all of these groups that they are like extended family, know each others' actual families, celebrate holidays together, and travel together. We can count on them to be there for us should we need it, and are glad to know that they feel the same about us. We have even chosen guardians from this group to take our dd should something happen to both me and dh. Having had both family and friend networks, I can fairly say that they feel quite similar to me as far as affection, loyalty, etc.

I bet if you cast your net a bit farther, you could have this too. It definitely isn't as easy as having ready-made connections like family provides, but it's nonetheless possible and very worth it. FWIW, there have also been occasions that we wanted to make more low-key and celebrated with just the 3 of us and they were fun too. We don't always get to pick our ideal circumstances, but there will always be good people who are glad to connect. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Op you really have to make your friend group work. I suggest you host a weekly get together. My friend started doing that and we have 6 families now that are all like family. It can work but it takes a lot of effort to get it going. You'll probably have to persevere through some rejection. Believe in yourself and your tiny family.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are really glamorizing the idea of a big extended family. For some people, it's all fun and laughter and Norman Rockwell scenes. For others (MANY others), family get togethers are rife with stress, arguments, tense moments and obligation. There is no guarantee that living close to family will result in close family relationships. Just like there is no guarantee that having 2 kids will mean they'll be the best of friends long into adulthood.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm an only child with a tiny extended family. I'm early 30s guy. I love it. My parents both gave me lots of love and I turned out fine. And I don't feel like I missed out on anything. If anything, I relish that holidays are spent exactly how I want to spend them. Well, how my two parents and our two dogs want to spend them. No compromise ever needed. It's seriously bliss. While others have to gobble down bad casserole's and nod politely to relatives that stink after 3 days, our tight little family is in heaven letting it hang out how we want to.