How often do you make the effort to see grandparents? Do you travel long distances?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By "Grandparents" - - are these parents of you/DH or actual Grandparents for you? If they are parents you should travel to see them - I don't care how far away they live - once a year at least - regardless of how many times/or how easy it is for them to visit you.

They are my in-laws and my DH's parents. My DH does not like them, and I do not like them either, so that maybe provides a gloss to my question. They were physically abusive to him when he was growing up. They have not ever apologized or tried to make amends, and instead act like nothing ever happened -- it gets under my DH's skin. But I still feel like it's good for my kids to have a relationship with their grandparents.

wtf. Physically abusive grandparents have ZERO rights to a relationship with their grandkids. ZERO. You should be protecting kids instead. Unless you're overstating the abuse.

[Anonymous]

I have kids the same age as your two and we have never visited either set of grandparents. They come to us. We have a guest room, we've paid for hotel rooms for them...no way am I traveling on a plane or taking a long car ride (8 hours) with them.
We both have stressful jobs and it's hard enough to take time off when one of them (or us!) are sick. The grandparents come visit roughly every other month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the same boat, except its my DDs great grandparents. I dont get a lot of time off and Ive had 3 surgeries this year (csection, appendectomy, fixed hernia from csection) so Ive missed more work than I ever have in 9 years here. We are being guilt tripped to take fly our 9 month old out there before they die. We planned on going once she was a little older and I have a good stretch of not missing any work, but now that the guilt trip has been laid on thick, if they do pass, we are going to feel like total shit. Im not sure what to do.

I totally hijacked your thread, Im sorry

Ugh, I'm sorry. That pretty much sounds like you have to go. It's just such a sh**show to fly kids anywhere. The amount of luggage+carseats+strollers is astonishing.

Are they really at risk of dying immediately? How old are we talking? If not, you can hold off a bit. Try to plan in the next year. Is there someone there who can facilitate some video chatting in the mean time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By "Grandparents" - - are these parents of you/DH or actual Grandparents for you? If they are parents you should travel to see them - I don't care how far away they live - once a year at least - regardless of how many times/or how easy it is for them to visit you.

They are my in-laws and my DH's parents. My DH does not like them, and I do not like them either, so that maybe provides a gloss to my question. They were physically abusive to him when he was growing up. They have not ever apologized or tried to make amends, and instead act like nothing ever happened -- it gets under my DH's skin. But I still feel like it's good for my kids to have a relationship with their grandparents.

Omg, what?! Stop letting these people make you feel guilty. Your kids don't need a relationship with abusive grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well Op, you're ridiculous to drop this bomb shell on us now

That they were physically abusive? It was mostly my DH's stepfather -- he would choke and hit him. DH's mom would not intervene. They seem like reasonable people now, and DH's mom has stopped drinking. They dote on their grandkids and I have never felt like my grandkids are in danger. So...I dislike them as people, but want my kids to be free to have a relationship with them. I just don't want to go out of my way for that to happen. My DH is willing to interact with them, and they've been to our home multiple times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By "Grandparents" - - are these parents of you/DH or actual Grandparents for you? If they are parents you should travel to see them - I don't care how far away they live - once a year at least - regardless of how many times/or how easy it is for them to visit you.

They are my in-laws and my DH's parents. My DH does not like them, and I do not like them either, so that maybe provides a gloss to my question. They were physically abusive to him when he was growing up. They have not ever apologized or tried to make amends, and instead act like nothing ever happened -- it gets under my DH's skin. But I still feel like it's good for my kids to have a relationship with their grandparents.

FFS, then let them go. Let DH determine how often you see them, decide if they are worth the effort. It's just not your call. Focus on your own parents.

That's fair advice. My DH said he never wants to return to Quebec; he has not been in over 20 years. I will listen to him and stop being guilt tripped by the inlaws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We use literally all our vacation time to visit family. I love my family and DH loves his; I figure this is what we signed up for when we moved far away.

+1. Except that, while I love my family, DH's familial bonds are a work in progress. We don't take more than an annual long weekend together by ourselves.

[Anonymous]

We don't have enough money to make the trip to Europe and Asia every year to see close family, and sadly, they don't either!

This is the downside to being an international family.

[Anonymous]

DH family lives in NOVA and my family lives in New England. We travel to my family usually twice a year, but my mom visits as often as possible - bimonthly or more. My father isn't physically able to travel or I would limit the travel to them to once a year. Travelling with small kids is a PITA.

OP, if the situation is abusive, you 100% need to let DH decide what boundaries and relationship he wants for himself and his kids. The in-laws are emotionally manipulating you, probably intentionally because they know they won't get anywhere with him, so don't let them. Your kids CAN have a relationship with their grandparents - your parents! Focus on that and not what they'd be missing by not having a relationship with his parents.

[Anonymous]

Every four months we go to them. We see them every other month and switch between them coming to us, us going to them, and all of us going on vacation together.

[Anonymous]

We use two of our three weeks of vacation to visit family. One set of grandparents lives on the West Coast, one in New England.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well Op, you're ridiculous to drop this bomb shell on us now

That they were physically abusive? It was mostly my DH's stepfather -- he would choke and hit him. DH's mom would not intervene. They seem like reasonable people now, and DH's mom has stopped drinking. They dote on their grandkids and I have never felt like my grandkids are in danger. So...I dislike them as people, but want my kids to be free to have a relationship with them. I just don't want to go out of my way for that to happen. My DH is willing to interact with them, and they've been to our home multiple times.

Yeah, I would not be burning my vacation to visit people who CHOKED and HIT my husband when he was a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the same boat, except its my DDs great grandparents. I dont get a lot of time off and Ive had 3 surgeries this year (csection, appendectomy, fixed hernia from csection) so Ive missed more work than I ever have in 9 years here. We are being guilt tripped to take fly our 9 month old out there before they die. We planned on going once she was a little older and I have a good stretch of not missing any work, but now that the guilt trip has been laid on thick, if they do pass, we are going to feel like total shit. Im not sure what to do.

I totally hijacked your thread, Im sorry

There is no way I would go. Three surgeries in one year, and a baby? Holy crap. If your husband wants to take the baby and visit, I'd be okay with that, but I wouldn't go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a 2.5 year old and an infant. One set of grandparents lives far away (Quebec) and they are retired. The other set lives a 20-minute drive away. The Quebec grandparents know that they are always welcome to visit, and we have a downstairs guest room and bathroom that they've used when they visit (usually once or twice a year). But Quebec grandparents are constantly harassing us to come to Quebec and see them. I work full time at a law firm and am lucky to get a week off the whole year (and usually I have to work part of the time during that week). DH's schedule is similar.

Do people really use the little vacation time that they have to go see grandparents? I'm trying to figure out whether I'm being unreasonable in not wanting to schlep the whole family to Quebec, when they could just come here literally any time they like. In fact, I would happily pay for their plane tickets (even though they are loaded). Advice?

Does your husband even want to go visit his parents? There is no way I would be insisting that my husband visit people who were physically abusive to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By "Grandparents" - - are these parents of you/DH or actual Grandparents for you? If they are parents you should travel to see them - I don't care how far away they live - once a year at least - regardless of how many times/or how easy it is for them to visit you.

They are my in-laws and my DH's parents. My DH does not like them, and I do not like them either, so that maybe provides a gloss to my question. They were physically abusive to him when he was growing up. They have not ever apologized or tried to make amends, and instead act like nothing ever happened -- it gets under my DH's skin. But I still feel like it's good for my kids to have a relationship with their grandparents.

FFS, then let them go. Let DH determine how often you see them, decide if they are worth the effort. It's just not your call. Focus on your own parents.

That's fair advice. My DH said he never wants to return to Quebec; he has not been in over 20 years. I will listen to him and stop being guilt tripped by the inlaws.

Thank God. Why the hell would you think that your kids having a relationship with these people is more important that their history of abusing their child and your husband's feelings?