Possible sexual coercion, WWYD?

[Anonymous]

OP here - I am on "Tim's side" but I am not his parent. The "Tim's family" community is strongly in favor of maximum reporting. Again, I admit my bias that most forms of sex play are not the result of victimization. It doesn't sound like there were threats involved to force Tim. Drew's parents have already been notified. I support Tim getting counseling if he shows signs of distress, and yes, I think it's brave and awesome that he was able to tell his parents about it. Too many loose lips - I shouldn't even KNOW that this happened, but now that I do, I am concerned and wondered what other parents would do in this situation.

[Anonymous]

My kids are not at this age yet, but I guess I just don't get what the "Tim's family" rationale is for maximum reporting. Do they think there was more coercion or threats than you seem to? Are they uncomfortable with sex issues? Do they not like Drew's family?

I have younger daughters, but I think I would be on your side and against reporting. This seems to me like a clear teaching moment and opportunity to help Tim learn about situations that make him uncomfortable, standing up for himself, and seeking help when he needs it, which he did and is great. And for Drew as well, as a PP mentioned. It also doesn't seem like a situation where there is a clear wrongdoer. That cautions against reporting out to authorities who may well be invested in assigning blame and identifying a perpetrator and a victim, and who will not be under the control of any member of Tim's family should they not like what ensues.

And, what does Tim want to happen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I am on "Tim's side" but I am not his parent. The "Tim's family" community is strongly in favor of maximum reporting. Again, I admit my bias that most forms of sex play are not the result of victimization. It doesn't sound like there were threats involved to force Tim. Drew's parents have already been notified. I support Tim getting counseling if he shows signs of distress, and yes, I think it's brave and awesome that he was able to tell his parents about it. Too many loose lips - I shouldn't even KNOW that this happened, but now that I do, I am concerned and wondered what other parents would do in this situation.

I would not report it. Its concerning and is the first step to sexual abuse but you don't want to ruin the child's life. Both kids should get some 1-1 counseling. Getting anyone involved will not come to much as its two kids. You'd have to file a police report and they'd have to take it to court. At best, a court would probably order counseling and monitor the situation. My bigger concern is that has this child been sexually abused to be doing this to another child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:guy here.

typical activity. Not saying it is appropriate, but not a big deal

But since one of the two is an unwilling participant, that makes it a bigger deal, right?

Not really. Tell the bossy kid's parents what he's doing so they can deal with it. Praise the shy kid for telling an adult about the problem so he can be removed from this uncomfortable situation. Are you not going to be happy until a 12 year old is hauled off in handcuffs and kicked out of school? The school has no control or authority over things that did not happen at school and the police will not have enough evidence to prove assault.

Once again, make sure your praise the child for coming forward about it before the problem got worse.

THIS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:CPS should be called. They will make sure there is nothing illegal going on. It is not illegal for this to happen, because neither are at the age of consent.

What CPS would really be investigating is if the 12 year old was sexually molested and if he learned the coercion somewhere.

CPS is not the police, they are trained to deal with this.

Are there any single reason why parents cannot deal with this and government need to be involved?

Yes. If Drew's parents molested him (and maybe are still doing so), then telling the parents will not stop the molestation and Drew will continue to suffer.

Or, it could he have access to porn on his iPhone and learning from it.

[Anonymous]

Now that the whole town thinks that Drew is a deviant, his family might as well move away. It's really overkill to report a 12 year old for this unless there is more to the story.

[Anonymous]

Stop dropping your kid off there. Teach him how to say no.

[Anonymous]

OP this is such a weird story. Why don't you say who you are? Why are you so vague? I feel bad for Drew.

[Anonymous]

Tims life will be ruined when it goes public as well--which it will by reporting. Don't know enough facts to really advise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:CPS should be called. They will make sure there is nothing illegal going on. It is not illegal for this to happen, because neither are at the age of consent.

What CPS would really be investigating is if the 12 year old was sexually molested and if he learned the coercion somewhere.

CPS is not the police, they are trained to deal with this.

+100 Especially since Drew's parents are not monitoring the time together well enough. OP, you can make an anonymous call to CPS and let them investigate. It sounds like both boys could be in danger or imperiled. At the very least they will investigate and discover there is no cause for action.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tim is 11 and a year younger than Drew. They are friends, but only because they take the same extracurricular once a week. Tim's mom drops him off at the Drew household every week for an hour before the activity starts. The parents are friendlier with one another - Tim and Drew don't have a lot in common, and one year/one grade level can mean a lot at that age.

Tim confided in his parents that there is experimentation going on at these drop-offs, they are of a sexual nature (looking and touching, no sex) and Tim feels he can't say no to them. WWYD?

Stop dropping Tim off at Drew's house before the extracurricular activity.

Notify Drew's parents of the reason why.

Nothing more.

[Anonymous]

Seriously, CPS? Has nobody else here experimented when they were a kid? I would have been MORTIFIED if CPS or any government agency had gotten involved. If one kid is uncomfortable with it then remove them from the situation. Get them counseling if you feel it is warranted. But don't involve the school, the police or CPS. That is overkill.

[Anonymous]

Agree. Stop dropping Tim off there. Why put the kid in that situation? I wouldn't want to be in that situation. Seems unfair to Tim to continue this arrangement if it's making him uncomfortable.

Would you feel the same way if Tim was a girl and this was not two boys experimenting?

Decide whether or not you want to approach Drew's parents. Make decision based on how friendly you really are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I am on "Tim's side" but I am not his parent. The "Tim's family" community is strongly in favor of maximum reporting. Again, I admit my bias that most forms of sex play are not the result of victimization. It doesn't sound like there were threats involved to force Tim. Drew's parents have already been notified. I support Tim getting counseling if he shows signs of distress, and yes, I think it's brave and awesome that he was able to tell his parents about it. Too many loose lips - I shouldn't even KNOW that this happened, but now that I do, I am concerned and wondered what other parents would do in this situation.

I would not report it. Its concerning and is the first step to sexual abuse but you don't want to ruin the child's life. Both kids should get some 1-1 counseling. Getting anyone involved will not come to much as its two kids. You'd have to file a police report and they'd have to take it to court. At best, a court would probably order counseling and monitor the situation. My bigger concern is that has this child been sexually abused to be doing this to another child.

I strenuously disagree that only molestation victims engage in sex play at this age. I did. Some of my friends did. None of us were molested.