The Mommy Track

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. I think the ship has sailed for this year, but I need to let Boss know that I feel my responsibilities have diminished since I returned.

Part of the problem is that I had to shift my hours for daycare purposes. It's not good for me at work, because I leave an hour before the other high performers, and it's not good at home because the baby goes to sleep within an hour of getting home. I can't win in either arena.

I think if you want to not be mommy tracked you bed a nanny and have your hours match your competition. Now is baby going to bed at 7 and you leaving work at 5 with an hour commute?

Can't afford a nanny. Leaving at 4-4:15, getting to daycare around 5, home around 5:30, asleep by 6:30.

[Anonymous]

So I would have responded: "oh, I have made all the necessary arrangements to go." Because you should have if you had wanted to go. And you also should have emailed and told him you were set to go. Don't wait for anyone to bring anything up and don't ask--tell! I hate to say it but they will defacto mommy track you unless you tell them directly that you are ready to do X, y, and z. Why isn't your DH doing pick ups? Why were your hours shifted?

I am really feeling you here because I have had to aggressively let people know I will not be mommy tracked. And I am making my DH pick up at the end of the day since he has flexible hours and even though he makes more than me, no one will blink if he has to leave at 5 for a five thirty pick up.

[Anonymous]

I wish I have your boss. Ever since having a baby, I don't want to travel anymore, even if it's for a couple of days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. I think the ship has sailed for this year, but I need to let Boss know that I feel my responsibilities have diminished since I returned.

Part of the problem is that I had to shift my hours for daycare purposes. It's not good for me at work, because I leave an hour before the other high performers, and it's not good at home because the baby goes to sleep within an hour of getting home. I can't win in either arena.

I think if you want to not be mommy tracked you bed a nanny and have your hours match your competition. Now is baby going to bed at 7 and you leaving work at 5 with an hour commute?

Can't afford a nanny. Leaving at 4-4:15, getting to daycare around 5, home around 5:30, asleep by 6:30.

Most offices leaving at 4 will tarnish you with the scarlet M. Any chance that they need you there early (like calling the Tokyo office every morning) and you can spin your shifted hours as a commitment to the company.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. I think the ship has sailed for this year, but I need to let Boss know that I feel my responsibilities have diminished since I returned.

Part of the problem is that I had to shift my hours for daycare purposes. It's not good for me at work, because I leave an hour before the other high performers, and it's not good at home because the baby goes to sleep within an hour of getting home. I can't win in either arena.

I think if you want to not be mommy tracked you bed a nanny and have your hours match your competition. Now is baby going to bed at 7 and you leaving work at 5 with an hour commute?

Can't afford a nanny. Leaving at 4-4:15, getting to daycare around 5, home around 5:30, asleep by 6:30.

Most offices leaving at 4 will tarnish you with the scarlet M. Any chance that they need you there early (like calling the Tokyo office every morning) and you can spin your shifted hours as a commitment to the company.

I get in at 8 and start working at 8. I work for a non-profit, so I think the culture is a little different. Again, I love my job, but I'm worried what this could signal for the future. DH's job is completely inflexible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wasn't expecting to be told that I wasn't going, so I deflected. I just told Boss that I needed to know so I could arrange some help.

I'm going to be honest here. The way you phrased it screams mommy track to me. Maybe a better approach would have been, "Oh,hey, Ted. Just wanted to confirm travel plans with you for the conference. I'm really looking forward to it this year." Avoid the child care conversation with the boss.

[Anonymous]

I agree w/ PP. No need to even mention the childcare. Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd go with direct and polite, not a signal, especially if you thought it was a genuine attempt to anticipate and accommodate your needs. "I appreciate the thought, Bob, but I would like to attend these meetings and I don't anticipate family obligations getting in the way. Can I plan on attending the Kalamazoo meeting for our organization in August?"
Or at least ask for something specific directly.

I would actually conduct these sorts of discussions in writing, so that if a pattern developed where I was routinely passed over for things because of my status as a parent I would have it all documented. And "Bob" needs to know that this is being documented
as well. If you do the e-mails, he may start to think twice about having it in writing that Bob treats women differently than he treats men.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're not going to be able to compete with the people who stay until 7:00 (if you want to see your child, that is), and that's okay. I did that too, and "mommy tracked" for a number of years. But you know what? No one in my field except my friends knew that - I still had the job on my resume for all of those mommy tracking years, and still went to all my professional events, so I could market myself and go elsewhere when I was ready. Yes, I've lost opportunities and money because of parenthood, but that's part of finding a work-life balance that worked for me. Everyone has to figure out what's right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wasn't expecting to be told that I wasn't going, so I deflected. I just told Boss that I needed to know so I could arrange some help.

I'm going to be honest here. The way you phrased it screams mommy track to me. Maybe a better approach would have been, "Oh,hey, Ted. Just wanted to confirm travel plans with you for the conference. I'm really looking forward to it this year." Avoid the child care conversation with the boss.

I agree with PP. It sucks that you have to approach it this way, but never talk about child-related logistical concerns at work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wasn't expecting to be told that I wasn't going, so I deflected. I just told Boss that I needed to know so I could arrange some help.

I'm going to be honest here. The way you phrased it screams mommy track to me. Maybe a better approach would have been, "Oh,hey, Ted. Just wanted to confirm travel plans with you for the conference. I'm really looking forward to it this year." Avoid the child care conversation with the boss.

I agree with PP. It sucks that you have to approach it this way, but never talk about child-related logistical concerns at work.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. I think the ship has sailed for this year, but I need to let Boss know that I feel my responsibilities have diminished since I returned.

Part of the problem is that I had to shift my hours for daycare purposes. It's not good for me at work, because I leave an hour before the other high performers, and it's not good at home because the baby goes to sleep within an hour of getting home. I can't win in either arena.

No. The ship has not sailed. THAT ship has sailed. Get on another boat. Find a new complimentary conference and tell your boss that is the one you will be attending. You don't want to be a jerk, but don't ask. Be affirmative and treat it as a fait accompli. Because this keeps you sharp and in the loop in anticipation of next year when boss need not predict your needs and adds value because you'll be bringing something new to the office and next year's event. Since you're treating it as a done deal in a nice way, there's no invitation for "no".

As for the change in hours, part of the problem is how you view it. If you can figure out a way to openly treat it as an asset, everyone else will too. People are lazy. They like to do what they're told. They just don't like being told what to do. Figure out a way to oblige them.

Agree with all of this. OP, it is up to you to be assertive. When I came back I had a one on one with my supervisor requesting flex time but also making clear about my commitment to my job and reiterating that I intended to keep adding new job responsibilities. I may "only" work 8-4 but when I am here, I am here. I don't take a break, I don't take a lunch and I walk out of the door guilt free at 4 to get to daycare.