Holding the door at work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Yes, which is why it is so surprising OP isn't familiar with this and thinks it is a "different social rule" she is totally unaware of. OP, men will also hold the elevator door open for you, so be prepared

I find it strange that this question is making you so grouchy, but that's your issue. Thanks to everyone else who provided useful responses - most of my coworkers are a bit older than me, so it sounds like this is just a slightly old fashioned tradition. Good to know.

Not grouchy, honestly really surprised you were totally unaware that men traditionally held the door for women (not saying they should, or they need to, just that it is tradition). Your father or grandfather did not hold the door?

NP here. PP, Let. It. Go.

[Anonymous]

The tradition is that men hold the door for LADIES.

If men aren't holding the door for you, what would you conclude?

[Anonymous]

I expect men to hold the door open for me. They always do. Even in DC where men have been emasculated. People treat you exactly the way you expect them to.

If I saw one of my boys fail to open the door or offer a seat to a lady, I would feel like a complete failure as a parent. We may have to live in DC for a few years, but my kids will not become what they are surrounded by.

A gentleman holds the door open for a lady. Always. If you are opening your own doors, just assume men don't see you as worth much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 30s and female and work with a lot of older men. The men I work with would never let me hold a door. It's just how it is. It would make them uncomfortable to watch me hold it while they sauntered through. Yes, it's an older tradition, but it's more awkward to try to avoid it. They also all wait until the women get in and out of the elevators first.

Same. The older men will actually speed up past me to get the door before I can. And even if they're closer to the door in the elevator, they always part and insist women go first. I think it's just a manners/age thing. The younger men do something similar to what OP described; first person to the door holds it open, and 2nd person through the door holds open the inner door. Most of the time younger men don't even hold the door open. They'll do that thing where they push it hard so it swings wide open for the next person to catch.

[Anonymous]

If you are opening your own doors, just assume men don't see you as worth much.

You are hilarious. I feel sorry for you, but you're funny.

[Anonymous]

I grew up in Canada, the politest country in the world. In Canada, you get to the door first and you hold it open for whomever comes after you. Gender neutral.

I found is jarring when I moved to a southern city in the US and the men in the office did all this ridiculous business with door and elevator holding. In my office in the south, the elevator hierarchy went: Secretaries (all women), female professionals, then male professionals. So every day of your life, you are reminded of the office hierarchy, that despite your professional successes, you fit in between secretaries and all the men in the office. It was crazy offensive.

DC is not so bad. Guys here, esp from the south, may try to open the door for you but are usually smart enough to read the signs that you're happy opening your own door. It's not really awkward here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I expect men to hold the door open for me. They always do. Even in DC where men have been emasculated. People treat you exactly the way you expect them to.

If I saw one of my boys fail to open the door or offer a seat to a lady, I would feel like a complete failure as a parent. We may have to live in DC for a few years, but my kids will not become what they are surrounded by.

A gentleman holds the door open for a lady. Always. If you are opening your own doors, just assume men don't see you as worth much.

If my daughter came home dating a guy who was contorting himself to open doors for her, I'd have a pit in my stomach. But I'm also guessing your family is one where, while you definitely want your future daughter in law to be good pedigree and have a good job out of college, you ultimately would like her to focus on her family and kids. So this door opening thing is probably a good filter.

[Anonymous]

OP, where did you grow up? I know in the south it is standard, and not only at offices even at convenience stores, men of all ages/races open doors for women.

[Anonymous]

I HATE having doors held open for me by men. If it were gender neutral I'd be okay with all the door holding but since it is always men I refuse to participate. I will often just stand there refusing to go through the open door. Somewhat churlish, yes, but how else are we ever going to change this custom?

[Anonymous]

I found is jarring when I moved to a southern city in the US and the men in the office did all this ridiculous business with door and elevator holding. In my office in the south, the elevator hierarchy went: Secretaries (all women), female professionals, then male professionals. So every day of your life, you are reminded of the office hierarchy, that despite your professional successes, you fit in between secretaries and all the men in the office. It was crazy offensive.

OP here. I kind of agree with this. Everyone I work with is nice, but my male coworkers refuse to ever do things like clean their old food out of the office fridge, or if someone brings food in to share, they will just leave the dirty plate there for time eternal and wait for either me or the secretary to take it away. Or recently, a coworker's dad died and two other coworkers asked me if I would be getting a bereavement card for the office to sign. It's annoying. I would not mind something like the door holding if there were not this other side to it, but I guess it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I found is jarring when I moved to a southern city in the US and the men in the office did all this ridiculous business with door and elevator holding. In my office in the south, the elevator hierarchy went: Secretaries (all women), female professionals, then male professionals. So every day of your life, you are reminded of the office hierarchy, that despite your professional successes, you fit in between secretaries and all the men in the office. It was crazy offensive.

OP here. I kind of agree with this. Everyone I work with is nice, but my male coworkers refuse to ever do things like clean their old food out of the office fridge, or if someone brings food in to share, they will just leave the dirty plate there for time eternal and wait for either me or the secretary to take it away. Or recently, a coworker's dad died and two other coworkers asked me if I would be getting a bereavement card for the office to sign. It's annoying. I would not mind something like the door holding if there were not this other side to it, but I guess it is what it is.

See, that is your issues. Don't assume the role if you don't want it. Leave the dirty plates there.

[Anonymous]

I have a female friend who often does this too.

It's all who decides to take over / open the door. It's a personal decision. The only thing out of your control is when someone (male or female) does 'take over.' Otherwise, you can be that person who holds for a group anytime you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I expect men to hold the door open for me. They always do. Even in DC where men have been emasculated. People treat you exactly the way you expect them to.

If I saw one of my boys fail to open the door or offer a seat to a lady, I would feel like a complete failure as a parent. We may have to live in DC for a few years, but my kids will not become what they are surrounded by.

A gentleman holds the door open for a lady. Always. If you are opening your own doors, just assume men don't see you as worth much.

If my daughter came home dating a guy who was contorting himself to open doors for her, I'd have a pit in my stomach. But I'm also guessing your family is one where, while you definitely want your future daughter in law to be good pedigree and have a good job out of college, you ultimately would like her to focus on her family and kids. So this door opening thing is probably a good filter.

Careful with assumptions. One of my daughters lives in Old Town (On her own. Not married.). She has a great job in a male-dominated field and is fiercely independent. My younger daughter is an Air Force Officer. They still expect to be treated like ladies. They were raised right.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I kind of agree with this. Everyone I work with is nice, but my male coworkers refuse to ever do things like clean their old food out of the office fridge, or if someone brings food in to share, they will just leave the dirty plate there for time eternal and wait for either me or the secretary to take it away. Or recently, a coworker's dad died and two other coworkers asked me if I would be getting a bereavement card for the office to sign. It's annoying. I would not mind something like the door holding if there were not this other side to it, but I guess it is what it is.


See, that is your issues. Don't assume the role if you don't want it. Leave the dirty plates there.

Oh, I've left one there for over a month and we got roaches in the office.

[Anonymous]

Careful with assumptions. One of my daughters lives in Old Town (On her own. Not married.).

Why is her residence in Old Town relevant?