Bat mitzvah dress

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Why is your gut saying no, if the dress is appropriate, you can afford it, and she loves it?

If she gets a $350-400 dress for her bat mitzvah, what will she expect for prom, etc? I try to think about the future, not just the moment, in these kinds of decisions.

You're making this way too complicated. I went to a lot of school dances. The costs of the dresses didn't escalate each time. My mom and I had fun shopping together. Sometimes we found a steal, sometimes we found something too fantastic to pass up despite the cost, sometimes the event itself mattered "less" and my girlfriends and I swapped. I'm not Jewish but I went to school with a lot of kids who were. One of my bar mitzvah dresses was $150, which was a lot to our family at the time. It didn't set me up to feel entitled or want to shop at that store or spend that much the next time.

I DK why you think I am making this more complicated. Feel like I know a lot of adults who got it all as kids, especially as tweens and teens, and had a hard time negotiating the transition to adulthood. trying to be mindful that we are helping her grow roots and wings here....

And I'm pushing back because the big picture matters. Occasional splurges didn't make me ungrateful or escalate my expectations. I certainly didn't get it all handed to me. Those rare expensive treats were awesome, and they did not make me materialistic. They were fun. Shopping with my mom was fun whether or not we purchased anything. Yeah, I got a couple semi formal dresses that stretched our family's clothing/entertainment budget - I didn't throw a fit when she wouldn't buy me the North Face coat. You seem to see a direct and linear relationship between a couple extravagances and escalating expectations and poor attitudes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Why is your gut saying no, if the dress is appropriate, you can afford it, and she loves it?

If she gets a $350-400 dress for her bat mitzvah, what will she expect for prom, etc? I try to think about the future, not just the moment, in these kinds of decisions.

You're making this way too complicated. I went to a lot of school dances. The costs of the dresses didn't escalate each time. My mom and I had fun shopping together. Sometimes we found a steal, sometimes we found something too fantastic to pass up despite the cost, sometimes the event itself mattered "less" and my girlfriends and I swapped. I'm not Jewish but I went to school with a lot of kids who were. One of my bar mitzvah dresses was $150, which was a lot to our family at the time. It didn't set me up to feel entitled or want to shop at that store or spend that much the next time.

I DK why you think I am making this more complicated. Feel like I know a lot of adults who got it all as kids, especially as tweens and teens, and had a hard time negotiating the transition to adulthood. trying to be mindful that we are helping her grow roots and wings here....

And I'm pushing back because the big picture matters. Occasional splurges didn't make me ungrateful or escalate my expectations. I certainly didn't get it all handed to me. Those rare expensive treats were awesome, and they did not make me materialistic. They were fun. Shopping with my mom was fun whether or not we purchased anything. Yeah, I got a couple semi formal dresses that stretched our family's clothing/entertainment budget - I didn't throw a fit when she wouldn't buy me the North Face coat. You seem to see a direct and linear relationship between a couple extravagances and escalating expectations and poor attitudes.

OP here - I didn't grow up with money. But I was smart, motivated, and tracked in academic classes from an early age. Nearly every last one of my friends from MS onwards was from a middle class family - most of them were UMC or affluent. Some were hardworking, etc, but many also expected life to be handed to them. DD is hard working, motivated, but does like finer things - is a bit materialistic for her age. Every thing she has is far more than what I had - and I struggle with trying to figure out the balance between the big picture and the small portraits that add up in aggregate. DH grew up with plenty but pretty much eschews spending money, so is not necessarily helpful here.

[Anonymous]

OP, I totally get where you are coming from. I grew up without a ton of money (both my prom dresses were hand me downs....) and I really have a hard time justifying Spending money on stuff like clothes. But honestly sometimes it's the right call. After my first daughter was born, I had an event and could not find anything that looked good on me. At all. Finally, I found a $400 dress that looked great. It was not on sale. Although it makes me break out in A rash to pay retail, I did it. And did not regret it. It looked great. And I liked it so much I wore it a few more times (until my kids' grubby hands ruined it--sigh).

This is all just to say don't get hung up on the number. Let your daughter know you think it's a ton of money to spend on a dress but it's a super important day and if she really loves it, it's worth the money. I'm sure you're teaching her the value of a dollar in lots of ways, with how you live your life. If she's like most girls that age, she probably feels a little awkward and not as pretty as she'd like--if this dress gives her confidence, it's worth it. ( That's what I tell myself about my outrageously expensive hair color.)

[Anonymous]

22:32, thanks for your wise words. Bought the dress - will arrive shortly