Giving Tree and Accepting Child with Autism may Never be Grateful

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP who says your expectations may be unrealistic. You really expect your children to thank you for taking care of them when they're sick? That's your job as a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the expectations you have, even if your child were NT and highly empathetic, are kind of unrealistic.

Very few children express gratitude to their parents on a regular basis. I can't think of any who do. The fantasy you relate of being thanked for taking care of your child while he/she is sick is almost laughable.

OP, really, this is not the way real children act. It has nothing to do with HFA. Children, real children, do not thank their parents for parenting them.

Your expectations are so over the top here that they are almost beyond belief.

You should not be commenting on this forum. Parenting a child with autism is nothing like parenting a neurotypical child.

Excuse me, but I do have such a child. And you are not the Forum Police.

OP's expectations of gratitude are unrealistic. She can model gratitude and tell social stories until she's blue but expecting a child to buy flowers for her and thank her for taking care of her when he's sick is BEYOND BIZARRE. The child is not her lover.

[Anonymous]

I'm a NP. I have two neurotypical children of my own, but I teach and I read this subforum because it is very helpful for me to understand some of my students.

I don't think OP's expectations are unrealistic. My NT kids are far from perfect, and they don't say "thanks for taking care of me when I was sick, ma!" But they'll often sporadically say "you're the best mom ever" or "this dinner is so good!" Or "thanks for sending a treat in my lunch" If those little displays of gratitude were missing, I would feel the same as Op.

This may sound terrible, since I don't live with a child with autism, but what happens if he has more responsibility? Would he appreciate the food you make for him if he had to help cook it? Would he appreciate all the times you do laundry for him if he helped fold it? Not trying to be disrespectful, but maybe you're filling his needs too much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a NP. I have two neurotypical children of my own, but I teach and I read this subforum because it is very helpful for me to understand some of my students.

I don't think OP's expectations are unrealistic. My NT kids are far from perfect, and they don't say "thanks for taking care of me when I was sick, ma!" But they'll often sporadically say "you're the best mom ever" or "this dinner is so good!" Or "thanks for sending a treat in my lunch" If those little displays of gratitude were missing, I would feel the same as Op.

This may sound terrible, since I don't live with a child with autism, but what happens if he has more responsibility? Would he appreciate the food you make for him if he had to help cook it? Would he appreciate all the times you do laundry for him if he helped fold it? Not trying to be disrespectful, but maybe you're filling his needs too much?

But this is realistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the expectations you have, even if your child were NT and highly empathetic, are kind of unrealistic.

Very few children express gratitude to their parents on a regular basis. I can't think of any who do. The fantasy you relate of being thanked for taking care of your child while he/she is sick is almost laughable.

OP, really, this is not the way real children act. It has nothing to do with HFA. Children, real children, do not thank their parents for parenting them.

Your expectations are so over the top here that they are almost beyond belief.

The OP does not have unrealistic expectations at all. She would like an occasional thank you, not a constant stream of praise. Way to halfway read a post and rush to the part where you get to deliver your wise advice... It's so over the top that it's almost beyond belief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the expectations you have, even if your child were NT and highly empathetic, are kind of unrealistic.

Very few children express gratitude to their parents on a regular basis. I can't think of any who do. The fantasy you relate of being thanked for taking care of your child while he/she is sick is almost laughable.

OP, really, this is not the way real children act. It has nothing to do with HFA. Children, real children, do not thank their parents for parenting them.

Your expectations are so over the top here that they are almost beyond belief.

You should not be commenting on this forum. Parenting a child with autism is nothing like parenting a neurotypical child.

Excuse me, but I do have such a child. And you are not the Forum Police.

OP's expectations of gratitude are unrealistic. She can model gratitude and tell social stories until she's blue but expecting a child to buy flowers for her and thank her for taking care of her when he's sick is BEYOND BIZARRE. The child is not her lover.

?? Sounds like you have some other stuff going on here. I agree with PP that for whatever reason, this isn't the post for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the PP who says your expectations may be unrealistic. You really expect your children to thank you for taking care of them when they're sick? That's your job as a parent.

+1

Rare NT kids express gratitude to their parents. Even after they grow up. The role of all children is to take, take, take

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the expectations you have, even if your child were NT and highly empathetic, are kind of unrealistic.

Very few children express gratitude to their parents on a regular basis. I can't think of any who do. The fantasy you relate of being thanked for taking care of your child while he/she is sick is almost laughable.

OP, really, this is not the way real children act. It has nothing to do with HFA. Children, real children, do not thank their parents for parenting them.

Your expectations are so over the top here that they are almost beyond belief.

The OP does not have unrealistic expectations at all. She would like an occasional thank you, not a constant stream of praise. Way to halfway read a post and rush to the part where you get to deliver your wise advice... It's so over the top that it's almost beyond belief.

OP here. Thanks 7:14! It does seem like some people didn't read the whole post or I just didn't express myself well. The example of taking care of you when sick was clearly not an example that resonated with people. My NT does from time to time thank me for this, but as many people understood it's not about being thanked for that particular action. The pointis there is zero gratitude. There is no spontaneous "thank you." I have to instruct him to say "thank you." There is no "this meal s great." Now and then I ask and he'll say "yeah, it's good." He will always tell me if he doesn't like it which luckily happens raerely since I make what they like. Having a NT kid and being around NT kids I can tell you it is true they don't run around being thankful for everything, but there is some spontaneous gratitude and even his cousins and brother have been appalled enough to say something to him. Also, one day DH and I won't be around and he needs to learn how to ingratiate himself to people so he maintains connections. This is just one of thousands of social skills that might help him not alienate people.

Re:giving him tasks/chores. No, it doesn't increase gratitude for him. That could be a whole other post and it may just be specific to my child. Honestly, it's just that the same connections are not formed in the brain that might occur in another. It has to be programmed in if blah then blop. Rules work really well for him.

[Anonymous]

My NT SON is what I meant not "my NT"

[Anonymous]

I get you OP. This is the mom who could die and wouldn't be missed. LOL!

Maybe empathy is just part of the picture here. I told a therapist recently that it seems that my ASD kid is just never on the same page with me or anyone around him (or rarely). He is just not wired to want connection the same way. It is truly exhausting. Their focus is so inward(?) or preoccupied with sensory things(?) or they can't do the big-picture thinking even up to their age level... Im not sure, but it's a whole level different than what parents of NT kids go through.

Just know that people who have this going on in their family get what you are saying. I think it's more of a connection issue maybe than empathy, though empathy is involved.

Hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the expectations you have, even if your child were NT and highly empathetic, are kind of unrealistic.

Very few children express gratitude to their parents on a regular basis. I can't think of any who do. The fantasy you relate of being thanked for taking care of your child while he/she is sick is almost laughable.

OP, really, this is not the way real children act. It has nothing to do with HFA. Children, real children, do not thank their parents for parenting them.

Your expectations are so over the top here that they are almost beyond belief.

The OP does not have unrealistic expectations at all. She would like an occasional thank you, not a constant stream of praise. Way to halfway read a post and rush to the part where you get to deliver your wise advice... It's so over the top that it's almost beyond belief.

OP here. Thanks 7:14! It does seem like some people didn't read the whole post or I just didn't express myself well. The example of taking care of you when sick was clearly not an example that resonated with people. My NT does from time to time thank me for this, but as many people understood it's not about being thanked for that particular action. The pointis there is zero gratitude. There is no spontaneous "thank you." I have to instruct him to say "thank you." There is no "this meal s great." Now and then I ask and he'll say "yeah, it's good." He will always tell me if he doesn't like it which luckily happens raerely since I make what they like. Having a NT kid and being around NT kids I can tell you it is true they don't run around being thankful for everything, but there is some spontaneous gratitude and even his cousins and brother have been appalled enough to say something to him. Also, one day DH and I won't be around and he needs to learn how to ingratiate himself to people so he maintains connections. This is just one of thousands of social skills that might help him not alienate people.

Re:giving him tasks/chores. No, it doesn't increase gratitude for him. That could be a whole other post and it may just be specific to my child. Honestly, it's just that the same connections are not formed in the brain that might occur in another. It has to be programmed in if blah then blop. Rules work really well for him.

I was the one who suggested tasks/chores. You know your child the best. It sounds like you're a great mom--I'm telling you that even if your son won't

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry for what you are going through, OP. Agree with PPs that you sound like a terrific mom.

In this discussion I think it's important to keep in mind that kids on the spectrum do feel empathy and some quite strongly, but may have difficulty inferring what others are feeling so they can't show that empathy in quite the way society may expect them to. There's a difference between cognitive empathy which is perspective-taking and emotional empathy which is the ability to feel.

OP, I don't know you but I'd be willing to bet your son is grateful to you for all that you do even though he is unable to express how he's feeling.

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/people-with-autism-can-read-emotions-feel-empathy1/

[Anonymous]

My DS, 9, with ASD/ADHD does not thank me per se but I know his greatest motivation in trying his best is because he wants his parents to be proud of him. He also tells me all the time how much he loves me and wants to stay with me forever (which gives me visions of him living with me at 30?), what a great cook I am and that I look prettier without makeup.

And he likes to tease me sometimes like on a recent flight, he kept insisting loudly that I tell him my age and weight for all to hear. Thanks. Hahaha!

I don't expect demonstrations of gratitude from my 9 yr old but we have a lot of fun together and he gives us a lot of joy so I think that is enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the expectations you have, even if your child were NT and highly empathetic, are kind of unrealistic.

Very few children express gratitude to their parents on a regular basis. I can't think of any who do. The fantasy you relate of being thanked for taking care of your child while he/she is sick is almost laughable.

OP, really, this is not the way real children act. It has nothing to do with HFA. Children, real children, do not thank their parents for parenting them.

Your expectations are so over the top here that they are almost beyond belief.

You should not be commenting on this forum. Parenting a child with autism is nothing like parenting a neurotypical child.

Excuse me, but I do have such a child. And you are not the Forum Police.

OP's expectations of gratitude are unrealistic. She can model gratitude and tell social stories until she's blue but expecting a child to buy flowers for her and thank her for taking care of her when he's sick is BEYOND BIZARRE. The child is not her lover.

NP poster here. I have child with autism and a NT child. My NT child expresses thanks to me for taking care of her all the time. Especially when sick. I think it's BEYOND BIZARRE that yours do not. Last week I was sick, and my NT DD (year old) said "Let me take care you of you mom, you take such good care of me when I'm sick and I want to do the same for you." I teach both my children to express gratitude and thanks, do you teach those things to your children? When your child asks for a glass of water and you bring it, don't you expect a thank you?

[Anonymous]

^13 years old