FI not being supportive - am I doing too much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you crying about moving in with your fiancé? You sound like a disaster.

We already lived together...just moving to a larger home. I was upset about the stress that comes along with it plus him blaming me for why I'm stressed or upset.

[Anonymous]

From this snippet I can't tell. If you were busy with something why didn't you just tell FI, I'm finishing up this. Why were you deep cleaning a bathroom and FI showering while other people that were helping you move were around?

There are were a bunch of things in moving and some options including paying movers and paying someone to deep clean. Both of you should be thankful and appreciative of each other in the overall process. If you were overwhelmed in the moment, maybe not realizing how much longer it would take you to do the deep cleaning etc, that happens, but I think you put FI in an awkward position breaking down in front of your best friend which sort of made him look like the bad guy and that you were Cinderella sweeping the hearth while he is ringing for his towel to be brought to him. While I understand you wanted a hug, what did you want to happen with cleaning the bathroom? Did you want him to take over? Or did you want him to say, that can wait? Because if it's the later, you should be able to make that decision and have taken a break and gotten back to that later instead of it being a Sophie's choice of continuing to clean the bathroom or take a break to find the toiletries and towelss so you guys can shower. So from just this one story, I don't think either of you guys handled it well. I also think there would have been the potential for a better outcome if it had been handled privately without the audience of your friend.

[Anonymous]

You need to get into therapy to figure out why you put up with this, and why you wanted him in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Are you the same poster whose fiancé bought a BMW that he couldn't afford and refuses to sell the car? I seem to remember a universal recommendation not to marry this guy. If so, why did you move out of your subsidized (affordable) apartment? Out of the frying pan and into the fire!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's how I see this situation.

You and your fiance moved into a new home yesterday. You were feeling stressed and overwhelmed. There's no right or wrong to that, you just were.

It seems like your fiance's reaction to your feeling stressed was to get very defensive. To blame you for not doing x, y, and z. And to even find reasons why he deserves to feel victimized and be nurtured by you.

Is this a pattern for him? Because all he really had to do in this situation was give you a hug and tell you "It's okay babe, I'm here for you."

You hit it right on the head. That's really all I wanted. I just needed a hug and he say it would be ok. It would of been fine. It's just the blame, hurtful words, saying I need to "man up" and "get over it" is what has bothered me so much. Yes, this is normal. I tell him he is not emotionally supportive of me, he says he can't because I never do anything right and don't treat him like a king or the man of the house, so he won't treat me like a "queen."

Oh girl, run. Run far far away.

It is true though, PP. I don't do anything right. I can't manage my finances. I'm broke every check. I don't cook or clean as often as a woman should (or for him...the way his mom does it). Our daughter's hair doesn't always look perfect. I sent her to school with a stain on her jeans once (I didn't see the stain but FI did and was very upset). All I want to do is be on my phone according to him (he only says it's an issue when he wants something. When he's on his phone, which is a lot of the time, it's ok). I have a full time job and a part time gig but most times I don't meet our agreed $2000 per month from the part time job to save for our wedding and buying a house...though none of the wedding or house money seems to be coming from him...he has no part time). I don't buy the right groceries. I move too slow. I don't want to watch basketball or investigation discovery with him all the time. I forget things. I take too long in the store.

I don't do anything right for him.

Oh sweetie, reading this makes me want to cry. Please go see a therapist NOW - by yourself, not couples counseling (and don't tell him, just do it). He sounds emotionally manipulative and abusive (probably a narcissist from the need to have everything perfect or just right). He's been at it so long that you don't have any self esteem left and and put yourself down too.

You sound like a an amazing person - you work full time and hold down a PT job, take care of a child, cook, clean, buy groceries, and probably wait on this man-child hand and foot. I know, I've been there and I finally got out after 12 years of marriage.

Do NOT marry him because this will not change. This will be your life. And your daughter will learn that it's okay for a man to treat her this way.

[Anonymous]

How much I s his agreed upon contribution to the household/wedding? This is a weird situation. I would never put up with someone who criticized me endlessly for small shit like that.no wonder you're crying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you crying about moving in with your fiancé? You sound like a disaster.

We already lived together...just moving to a larger home. I was upset about the stress that comes along with it plus him blaming me for why I'm stressed or upset.

Np here. The crying isn't normal, maybe you should see someone about stress management. His other criticism of you isn't great either, maybe you should see a therapist together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's how I see this situation.

You and your fiance moved into a new home yesterday. You were feeling stressed and overwhelmed. There's no right or wrong to that, you just were.

It seems like your fiance's reaction to your feeling stressed was to get very defensive. To blame you for not doing x, y, and z. And to even find reasons why he deserves to feel victimized and be nurtured by you.

Is this a pattern for him? Because all he really had to do in this situation was give you a hug and tell you "It's okay babe, I'm here for you."

You hit it right on the head. That's really all I wanted. I just needed a hug and he say it would be ok. It would of been fine. It's just the blame, hurtful words, saying I need to "man up" and "get over it" is what has bothered me so much. Yes, this is normal. I tell him he is not emotionally supportive of me, he says he can't because I never do anything right and don't treat him like a king or the man of the house, so he won't treat me like a "queen."

Not sure wth "fi" is supposed to mean, but do not marry this azzhat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's how I see this situation.

You and your fiance moved into a new home yesterday. You were feeling stressed and overwhelmed. There's no right or wrong to that, you just were.

It seems like your fiance's reaction to your feeling stressed was to get very defensive. To blame you for not doing x, y, and z. And to even find reasons why he deserves to feel victimized and be nurtured by you.

Is this a pattern for him? Because all he really had to do in this situation was give you a hug and tell you "It's okay babe, I'm here for you."

You hit it right on the head. That's really all I wanted. I just needed a hug and he say it would be ok. It would of been fine. It's just the blame, hurtful words, saying I need to "man up" and "get over it" is what has bothered me so much. Yes, this is normal. I tell him he is not emotionally supportive of me, he says he can't because I never do anything right and don't treat him like a king or the man of the house, so he won't treat me like a "queen."

Oh girl, run. Run far far away.

It is true though, PP. I don't do anything right. I can't manage my finances. I'm broke every check. I don't cook or clean as often as a woman should (or for him...the way his mom does it). Our daughter's hair doesn't always look perfect. I sent her to school with a stain on her jeans once (I didn't see the stain but FI did and was very upset). All I want to do is be on my phone according to him (he only says it's an issue when he wants something. When he's on his phone, which is a lot of the time, it's ok). I have a full time job and a part time gig but most times I don't meet our agreed $2000 per month from the part time job to save for our wedding and buying a house...though none of the wedding or house money seems to be coming from him...he has no part time). I don't buy the right groceries. I move too slow. I don't want to watch basketball or investigation discovery with him all the time. I forget things. I take too long in the store.

I don't do anything right for him.

Well you messed up by reproducing with him, you're tied to this jerk for years, and your dd is going to hear the crap he spews. You can do the right thing and return the ring though, if there even is one

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you the same poster whose fiancé bought a BMW that he couldn't afford and refuses to sell the car? I seem to remember a universal recommendation not to marry this guy. If so, why did you move out of your subsidized (affordable) apartment? Out of the frying pan and into the fire!

I was thinking the sane poster as well

[Anonymous]

Do not marry this man OP.

I would cry every single day if I was being critiqued so badly.

With people like that....No one on the planet can reach their standards because the standards are so unreasonably high due to the person's low self-esteem.

Were your parents like this with you growing up?
This could be a vicious pattern.

[Anonymous]

How old is DD? Is she his child?

[Anonymous]

Honestly, what do you expect DCUM to tell you? We advised you over at Financial forum to leave that useless jerk. . . and here you are again crying that he's being a useless jerk!?!

[Anonymous]

OP. I bet you to heed your feelings. They are not lying to you. I ignored different yet just as important signs from my fiancé and now I'm in my 50s, with children and I need to get out. Don't waste your youth on something you will regret. Get out now. Do not let him charm you into staying. Actions speak and talk is cheap. A year from now you'll be glad you didn't stay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. I bet you to heed your feelings. They are not lying to you. I ignored different yet just as important signs from my fiancé and now I'm in my 50s, with children and I need to get out. Don't waste your youth on something you will regret. Get out now. Do not let him charm you into staying. Actions speak and talk is cheap. A year from now you'll be glad you didn't stay.

*beg