Too many classes for my son?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What kind of exam prep does an already highly successful 8th grader need? That seems nuts. I can't imagine how much worse it will be for him in HS if you don't put your foot down now. Just tell your wife that her effed up priorities are making the whole family miserable and maybe she'll take a step back and get a grip.

what is her goal at the end of all this? so it looks good for college? colleges would rather see a kid go in depth in one or two areas than be spread thin as you describe in your post. You can find examples of this on the college forums and show her. She is doing him no favors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS is a grade 8 student. My wife is driving DS crazy by insisting him to do all these every week: play two music instruments (one for a band) even though he is at best modestly interested, go to an English writing class, a math enrichment class, an exam preparation class, and a tennis lesson. All this is on top of his regular school classes.

DS often has to stay up late (past 11 pm) in order to finish his regular school homework, sometimes he has to delay dinner until 9 pm because of the classes.

I asked wife to drop one musical instrument since he rarely practices it and actually has zero interest in it, but she won't even consider my suggestion. What is more, since DS cannot handle all the classes, wife asked me to help him but it has been counter-productive since he just needs time to digest the class material. I realized that spool feeding my son is not produce the expected results.

What are your opinion?

Unless his grades drop, he should be able to drop everything but one instrument and the tennis lessons.

This is where you just do it. Let your wife be mad - you tried talking, reasoning, etc, but this is too much.

[Anonymous]

OP, is your wife a person who would listen more to a third party than she is listening to you?

For instance, if you enlist the help of one of your child's teachers, school counselor, a coach, a family friend or relative to say what you're saying -- is she possibly likelier to hear "He's overscheduled and stressed and is going to push back soon" if it is not coming from you? That's one thing to try. You, yourself, could go to the school counselor (meeting without your son or wife there) and lay it all out and see if the counselor will meet with you and your wife and possibly son along with you.

You are correct that your son is greatly overscheduled, OP. I have a very academic high schooler who is also doing private lessons on two instruments and has another very time-consuming extracurricular (four days a week, sometimes more). If we expected her to do academic prep as well, her head would explode; frankly, homework for her classes is plenty of prep since they are tough classes. And we do not push practicing daily on BOTH instruments -- yes, daily practice is important and would be ideal, but her academic load come first.

And I make it a point to remind her that SHE drive what she does -- I let her know that if she ever wants to take a break from her extracurricular, that is fine with us, and she will get no hassles about it. Same with the instruments. I have a feeling your wife has never told your son that he has any choices. School itself is not a choice, but everything else is.

OP, you and your wife need to talk very seriously about HER goals for your son and why she believe these activities are so important. They clearly are important to her, but what about him? Is she pushing so hard in eighth grade because she wants him to get into TJ or some other school or program? Does she believe that eighth grade will affect his college chances that profoundly? Or was she, herself, raised in a family or culture where a child this age was simply expected to fill every moment and be academically excellent as well as playing instruments, etc.? (That is not a reason to burn out a kid in the next generation).

Is your son having actual academic problems with writing etc. or are the extra classes just to make an already good student do better and better and better, in her eyes? If he is not needing extra classes to fix an academic problem, why is mom pushing them?

Can she be at all objective about her own experiences and reasons for pressing your son in this way? Or would she just say, "He's smart, he needs to be pushed, he needs to get into (specific program/HS/college)" without being able to articulate why she, herself, is so invested in this?

He is more than old enough to express his own preferences and to be allowed to say no to some things just because he wants to say no. That is appropriate at his age. OP, if your wife does not back down and let him drop some things, he is going to rebel either outright or by staying with his activities but intentionally doing worse at them.

Counseling for your wife, or family counseling, might help, if she can be self-aware about how she is the one driving things when he should be making more choices for himself.

If she continues on this path, not only will he rebel, but he will possibly end up distanced from his brother (who disturbs the studying that mom so values) and he will be one extremely stressed high schooler--that's a recipe for disaster and all her pushing will have backfired if that happens.

I'm writing this as a parent of a very busy kid myself. OP, your son needs to be allowed to drop some things without ANY blowback, comments, or upset from your wife. If he's a kid who wants to please mom, and she's a parent who would make him feel small for "giving up," you have a bigger problem on your hands than mere overscheduling; you have a really bad dynamic.

You have to be the one to step in, enlist help from outside like the school counselor, and say, it's time to ramp back and give son some control over his activities.

[Anonymous]

Is his only physical activity the one tennis lesson a week? If so, that is not healthy. If he is in school all day, he doesn't need more academics after school unless he is having problems keeping up at school, which doesn't seem to be the case. He would be healthier and have a more even disposition if he spent that time doing something physical outdoors.

[Anonymous]

This poor child does not need to have so much pressure! You have to be strong and tell your wife that this is not healthy for your child. He is overscheduled, unhappy and will likely have academic problems trying to keep it all together. Life for an 8th grader should not be this stressful.

[Anonymous]

Tell her he is living his life is now. The future is never guaranteed.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like a Chinese Tiger Mom.

Save your son before he commits suicide to get a break from her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Drop one of the instruments. Choose between either the exam prep OR the writing class/math enrichment.

I think this is the best suggestion.

My kid is in Takoma magnet (demanding school).
He does one instrument (band). (we dropped piano due to little interest and over scheduling.) Attends Mathcount team, does extra English (not every week.) Also goes to cultural school on weekend and does Lego team.
So yes, many activities but he does the one that he very much enjoys (Mathcount and Lego). However, I found that if he is not busy, there are always conflict in the house with siblings...

If your wife wants your child to go to some kind of magnet for HS. Follow advice above, or you will kill your child and his interest for studying.

[Anonymous]

Just curious, is your family Asian?

[Anonymous]

my 8th grade son plays one instrument-in band and jazz band-his choice, he takes tennis three times a week-again all him only sport he likes, and takes a math class-this one is all me. He also performs with a local children's theater in the winter and spring so practice twice a week. He is crazy busy but his choice. He is on honor roll and plenty of friends and is a happy kid. His schedule would not work for everyone. Your son will be miserable if he does not have a say and that will backfire on you all.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible that your DW is completely uncomfortable with unstructured time? IF she's home and the kids have nothing to do, I bet she'd go crazy. Any alternative you suggest needs to include YOU managing any down time. Down time is very important, but for a kid and mom who have never had any, it can cause a lot of conflict. Your DW may be thinking, that unless you're the one home on Tuesday afternoon then you shouldn't get to dictate how she structures or doesn't structure that part of the week. Just a thought. Makes me NUTS when my DH who works past 8:00 pm and has no clue about the post school hours makes "suggestions" of things the kids and I should do.

[Anonymous]

Does your DW have ADHD possibly?

[Anonymous]

You need to find out why your DW is insisting that he do all of this.

-Did she not have opportunities when she was young and she desperately wants her kids to have them?
- Were her parents really hard on her being good at everything?
- Is she projecting her failures in life on your son and expecting him to make up for what she couldn't do?
- Is she so caught up with "keeping up with the Jonses" that she can't see the forest through the trees?
- Does she have the mistaken belief that if he does all of these EC's he will automatically get into a good college? If that's the case then she needs to understand that colleges would rather see a focused and long-term commitment to 1-2 things rather than all over the board activities.
-Is there another reason that she would want your son so busy? How is their relationship? Does she not like to spend time with him so keeping him busy limits their interaction? (This is a harsh one I know, but it can happen...)

You need to be respectful of her when you try to understand why she insists on this. Take her out for a peaceful lunch and talk WITH her (not at her...). Be calm and understanding, but also firm and persistent until she gives you explanations for the reasons she is insisting that he do all of this. A good conversation may have her start to recognize that her pushing may backfire on her in the long run. If she is trying to tackle a short-term problem, she needs you to help her see a long-term solution.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

He will explode. He will push back. He will make things awful for you.

I hope it happens sooner rather than later. It is easier that way.

As for the second point, why is your wife running the whole show here?

[Anonymous]

I am the OP. Thank everyone who replied.

I have talked to wife but she is unreasonable. I don't think she knows what she is doing, since though she is busy scheduling but she is not engaged in their studies, she rarely bothered to sit down with the kids to do anything.
Obviously she is only thinking about how many hours the classes would take, not realizing these classes carry a lot after-class workload.

So far I am trying to minimizing the stress on the kids. I am very wary about pitting the kids against their mom.

Someone asked if my wife has ADHD, which I don't think so. But I have been concerned about any sign of dementia, given her family history of the illness.