found out my mom lied about her past

[Anonymous]

Print what you found and mail it to her anonymously, one page at a time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would confront her and ask her,

No way!

Make your peace, let her say what she wants and let it go. She hardly sees the kids anyway so don't make it any easier.

Don't be so afraid. Stand up to mommy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yup, no room for doubt, unfortunately. there were pictures of her with my grandparents captioned with their (unique and ethnic) names in the scan of one of the newspaper pages! My grandparents were of the generation who looked and dressed exactly the same from age 30 until their deaths. I can't imagine what poor news conglomerate intern got stuck scanning backissues of this tiny newspaper, but they were thorough.

The things the poster said about NPD moms making stuff up and telling you what you think is very accurate. "Oddly cruel" is also accurate- for a few weeks while my dad was traveling and I was in late elementary school my mom told me I was adopted, even though I am not. She kept the tale going for days and had me convinced it was true. when she let my dad in on the "joke" I think he forced her to drop it.

More flippant but illustrative: I remember loving certain things as a kid but suppressing them or choosing the exact opposite of what I preferred because my mom would say I liked x, or was a so-and-so kind of person. Choosing my adult wardrobe when I finally had a paycheck was so confusing and I spent a few years changing my style completely every 6 months. I still feel like I'm trying on identities and figuring out what's me versus what she's said is me. Whew.

I have a good friend whose mom is a narc and friend is never comfortable ever saying what she wants. She will contort herself not to say where she wants to eat or what she would prefer to do as an activity. She has to manipulate to get people to ever guess what she wants. Her mother would, one way or another, punish her for being clear about her preferences. If there was a gift she wanted for Christmas and she openly discussed what she wanted, she would never get it. Her mother taught her that she only got to want the things her mother wanted for her. It is very frustrating dealing with her to this day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would confront her and ask her,

What good would this do? OP, the truth has set you free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yup, no room for doubt, unfortunately. there were pictures of her with my grandparents captioned with their (unique and ethnic) names in the scan of one of the newspaper pages! My grandparents were of the generation who looked and dressed exactly the same from age 30 until their deaths. I can't imagine what poor news conglomerate intern got stuck scanning backissues of this tiny newspaper, but they were thorough.

The things the poster said about NPD moms making stuff up and telling you what you think is very accurate. "Oddly cruel" is also accurate- for a few weeks while my dad was traveling and I was in late elementary school my mom told me I was adopted, even though I am not. She kept the tale going for days and had me convinced it was true. when she let my dad in on the "joke" I think he forced her to drop it.

More flippant but illustrative: I remember loving certain things as a kid but suppressing them or choosing the exact opposite of what I preferred because my mom would say I liked x, or was a so-and-so kind of person. Choosing my adult wardrobe when I finally had a paycheck was so confusing and I spent a few years changing my style completely every 6 months. I still feel like I'm trying on identities and figuring out what's me versus what she's said is me. Whew.

I have a good friend whose mom is a narc and friend is never comfortable ever saying what she wants. She will contort herself not to say where she wants to eat or what she would prefer to do as an activity. She has to manipulate to get people to ever guess what she wants. Her mother would, one way or another, punish her for being clear about her preferences. If there was a gift she wanted for Christmas and she openly discussed what she wanted, she would never get it. Her mother taught her that she only got to want the things her mother wanted for her. It is very frustrating dealing with her to this day.

My DH (and his siblings) are like this due to my NPD MIL. After one solid year of weekly therapy with DH things are a lot better in our home on this front, but dealing with my SIL and BIL is beyond maddening. Not to mention my MIL, clearly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Print what you found and mail it to her anonymously, one page at a time.

No need to get down on that level. Unnecessarily cruel and vindictive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would confront her and ask her,

What good would this do? OP, the truth has set you free.

+1!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would confront her and ask her,

What good would this do? OP, the truth has set you free.

+1!!

Meanwhile, back in the real world, those of us with NPD moms (moms who do ALL of the things listed by various posters, including OP) are warning OP not to confront or talk to her mom about it, because her mom will just make her feel worse. You have to deal with this kind of person by giving them no information and no reactions, because they always use them against you eventually. You will always regret trying to get any closure or acknowledgement of truths from them. Their coping mechanisms won't allow it. That's why it's called a personality disorder: it's not a normal, healthy way of dealing with life. The best thing is to focus on healing yourself and learning how to handle future interactions, because having a mom like this does a number on you.

[Anonymous]

I'm middle aged and my parents are elderly. They are immigrants from a 'closed' country, meaning back then, we had no contact with where they were from.

After reaching adulthood, I found out a few things that were hidden: some out-of-marriage births, a marriage by my dad before my mom, and even a horrible family tragedy. I think when they came to the U.S., they sort of reinvented themselves.

It hurts me because I grew up in a family where I never knew what the truth was so I have a hard time trusting my gut. But I don't think my parents were narcissistic. I think they grew up with so much shame that they didn't want that for their kids and they thought this was the way to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm middle aged and my parents are elderly. They are immigrants from a 'closed' country, meaning back then, we had no contact with where they were from.

After reaching adulthood, I found out a few things that were hidden: some out-of-marriage births, a marriage by my dad before my mom, and even a horrible family tragedy. I think when they came to the U.S., they sort of reinvented themselves.

It hurts me because I grew up in a family where I never knew what the truth was so I have a hard time trusting my gut. But I don't think my parents were narcissistic. I think they grew up with so much shame that they didn't want that for their kids and they thought this was the way to do it.

More details please.

[Anonymous]

Op: good for you for playing that hunch and finding out the truth. You are right. Don't confront; you wouldn't win.

But do this: the next time she insults or advises you in an insulting way, say "mom, is there something about me you hate about you?" And enjoy her spinning her wheels, trying to figure out how you KNOW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would confront her and ask her,

What good would this do? OP, the truth has set you free.

+1!!

Meanwhile, back in the real world, those of us with NPD moms (moms who do ALL of the things listed by various posters, including OP) are warning OP not to confront or talk to her mom about it, because her mom will just make her feel worse. You have to deal with this kind of person by giving them no information and no reactions, because they always use them against you eventually. You will always regret trying to get any closure or acknowledgement of truths from them. Their coping mechanisms won't allow it. That's why it's called a personality disorder: it's not a normal, healthy way of dealing with life. The best thing is to focus on healing yourself and learning how to handle future interactions, because having a mom like this does a number on you.

+10000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm middle aged and my parents are elderly. They are immigrants from a 'closed' country, meaning back then, we had no contact with where they were from.

After reaching adulthood, I found out a few things that were hidden: some out-of-marriage births, a marriage by my dad before my mom, and even a horrible family tragedy. I think when they came to the U.S., they sort of reinvented themselves.

It hurts me because I grew up in a family where I never knew what the truth was so I have a hard time trusting my gut. But I don't think my parents were narcissistic. I think they grew up with so much shame that they didn't want that for their kids and they thought this was the way to do it.

More details please.

+1

[Anonymous]

I'm the middle-aged PP. Not really interested in providing too many details but I'll provide one. My grandparents weren't married. One set were single and the other set called themselves married, lived their whole lives together but never got the piece of paper (basically common-law but it wasn't recognized in their country). So my parents were ashamed of being "illegitimate" and hid that/ lied about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the middle-aged PP. Not really interested in providing too many details but I'll provide one. My grandparents weren't married. One set were single and the other set called themselves married, lived their whole lives together but never got the piece of paper (basically common-law but it wasn't recognized in their country). So my parents were ashamed of being "illegitimate" and hid that/ lied about it.

Even as recently as 30 years ago in this country, people were often made to feel intense shame about being illegitimate. It's not surprising at all that they wanted to keep that fact hidden. I wouldn't hold it against them.