Sibling physical fight - tell me how I did

[Anonymous]

Wow. I don't want to be mean, but unless you learn to control your own anger, there's no chance you're going to be able to teach your kids to do the same.

Seriously. I get that you were upset and angry about your kids fighting. And the fact that it got physical. We all feel that way when our kids have conflict.

But your response seems both out of proportion (punishment upon punishment upon punishment) and full of rage. This is not effective. It shifts all of their attention on YOU. Your anger. Your feelings. Your retaliation for their behavior.

What you want to do instead is TEACH them how to make better choices next time they're mad at each other. To THINK about how they responded this time (hitting/scratching) and how they would do it differently next time (separate themselves physically, use words). THIS is how they LEARN to do manage their anger properly. They need your help (1) calming down; (2) reflecting on their choices; (3) planning what to do better next time.

It sounds like you need help doing the same thing. I think you know you handled this situation poorly. It's why you posted and asked for feedback. So ask yourself what you would do diffeerently if you could do it all again. Would you have calmed yourself down first before addressing the problem with your kids? HOW would you have calmed down? Would you have taken a few minutes to separate yourself from the kids? Would you have said, "Wow. I can't believe you did that! I'm really upset. I need a minute to calm down and think before we talk abouit it." And then what would you have said/done? What conversations would you have had with the kids? What requests would you have made? What consequences would you have imposted?

Really visualize the situation now, after the fact. Think through what you think the "ideal" way of handling it would have been. This way you'll be better prepared next time you get angry with them. Just like you want to teach your children to be with each other.

If any of this seems difficult/impossible, get yourself some help. Learning to manage anger effectively is a really great skill to have. Both as a parent, and in life more generally. Any decent therapist can help with this.

[Anonymous]

Yep, too harsh, and why are you still blaming your kid for throwing something when he was two? Even a little bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:50% of the time, it all goes to shit in our house too. You know you didi poorly- I won't make you feel worse, but next time, don't put kids in room w/o lights. Its mean and super scary. Doesn't teach them anything. Instead, we have a peace table in our house. When someone is mad at a family member, the person who is upset needs to invite the offender to the peace table, and let them know why you are upset. then the other person get to say what happened in their mind. Half the time it works, it's usually miscommunication or just the act of going to the peace table and hearing each other out helps. The other 50% of the time, it still goes to shit. but hey, we try

NP here. I like this.

OP I took a parenting class once where we were told that parents underestimate the amount of time it takes for kids to calm down after a fight/meltdown/etc. Punishments and lectures in the heat of the moment don't "stick." The parent can influence how quickly the situation de-escalates. The conversation needs to take place after that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'm not a perfect mom, so no soap box here.

My response when they go after each other (which is rare) is to remind them of what they are to each other. "Hey, I gave you a best friend for life! What's going on?!!! You guys know better than this!" Once it was established that she scratched first, I'd have her apologize and assume she didn't do it on purpose. I probably would've followed up with a hearty "Stop running on the stairs!!"

If they were both being jerks about it and I couldn't get them to hug it out and remember who they are to each other, I may have sent them to bed without the treat of hanging out together and reading stories and all that. But, with reluctance and sadness, not rage. "If you guys can't figure it out, maybe you need time to yourselves."

FWIW, I don't tolerate fighting. I don't allow for it because it's normal or whatever. All they have is each other, so I shut that down HARD and give loads of praise around the positives they do for one another. We all draw a line on some issue, this one is mine.

As for her face, CVS has a scar cream that you'll have to apply for weeks, but it works wonders. I use it on my little one's knees all winter to repair the summer damage.

GL!! I figure the hard work you put in now will pay off when they're teens. I'd rather they conspire against me than work against each other. And they do---already at 5 and 7 also.

Maintaining that bond is really important to me.

Great advice.

When I can, I try to intervene with words/reminders before things escalate too far.

My version is, "Chill. We're a family. We don't talk to each other like that." Or "Guys, it sounds like you're irritating each other. Take a break. One of you needs to move to the other room."

The idea is to teach them to notice when things are escaling.

If they can learn to catch themselves then -- before things get out of control -- and also learn what to do when they notice that -- change their words or give each other space -- they'll be better off next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'm not a perfect mom, so no soap box here.

My response when they go after each other (which is rare) is to remind them of what they are to each other. "Hey, I gave you a best friend for life! What's going on?!!! You guys know better than this!" Once it was established that she scratched first, I'd have her apologize and assume she didn't do it on purpose. I probably would've followed up with a hearty "Stop running on the stairs!!"

If they were both being jerks about it and I couldn't get them to hug it out and remember who they are to each other, I may have sent them to bed without the treat of hanging out together and reading stories and all that. But, with reluctance and sadness, not rage. "If you guys can't figure it out, maybe you need time to yourselves."

FWIW, I don't tolerate fighting. I don't allow for it because it's normal or whatever. All they have is each other, so I shut that down HARD and give loads of praise around the positives they do for one another. We all draw a line on some issue, this one is mine.

As for her face, CVS has a scar cream that you'll have to apply for weeks, but it works wonders. I use it on my little one's knees all winter to repair the summer damage.

GL!! I figure the hard work you put in now will pay off when they're teens. I'd rather they conspire against me than work against each other. And they do---already at 5 and 7 also.

Maintaining that bond is really important to me.

Op here. Thank you for this great advice. Really appreciate you and others who took the time to answer.
I actually apologized to both kids about how mad I got and said that I expect them to be kind to each other and to never hurt another perdon's body.
My usual mo is to take away toys for any physical violence - quickly and without any emotion. That usually works well. It's a swift punishment that's"easy."
I acted poorly last night.

In retrospect, I should have given myself a time out to figure out what todo.

N.B. Still unclear who scratched first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep, too harsh, and why are you still blaming your kid for throwing something when he was two? Even a little bit.

Op here - not blaming, just hyper conscious about her face. She's been followed by a plastic surgeon and dermatologist for the 2 scars. They're that serious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'm not a perfect mom, so no soap box here.

My response when they go after each other (which is rare) is to remind them of what they are to each other. "Hey, I gave you a best friend for life! What's going on?!!! You guys know better than this!" Once it was established that she scratched first, I'd have her apologize and assume she didn't do it on purpose. I probably would've followed up with a hearty "Stop running on the stairs!!"

If they were both being jerks about it and I couldn't get them to hug it out and remember who they are to each other, I may have sent them to bed without the treat of hanging out together and reading stories and all that. But, with reluctance and sadness, not rage. "If you guys can't figure it out, maybe you need time to yourselves."

FWIW, I don't tolerate fighting. I don't allow for it because it's normal or whatever. All they have is each other, so I shut that down HARD and give loads of praise around the positives they do for one another. We all draw a line on some issue, this one is mine.

As for her face, CVS has a scar cream that you'll have to apply for weeks, but it works wonders. I use it on my little one's knees all winter to repair the summer damage.

GL!! I figure the hard work you put in now will pay off when they're teens. I'd rather they conspire against me than work against each other. And they do---already at 5 and 7 also.

Maintaining that bond is really important to me.

Great advice.

When I can, I try to intervene with words/reminders before things escalate too far.

My version is, "Chill. We're a family. We don't talk to each other like that." Or "Guys, it sounds like you're irritating each other. Take a break. One of you needs to move to the other room."

The idea is to teach them to notice when things are escaling.

If they can learn to catch themselves then -- before things get out of control -- and also learn what to do when they notice that -- change their words or give each other space -- they'll be better off next time.

Op here. It happened in second. I literally ducked into the bathroom, turned on the shower knobs and stepped out. It happened in those 15 seconds. Not sure I could have seen anything escalating. But still, appreciate the advice.

[Anonymous]

You completely overreacted. Siblings race each other. Siblings fight. Siblings hug it out and get over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:50% of the time, it all goes to shit in our house too. You know you didi poorly- I won't make you feel worse, but next time, don't put kids in room w/o lights. Its mean and super scary. Doesn't teach them anything. Instead, we have a peace table in our house. When someone is mad at a family member, the person who is upset needs to invite the offender to the peace table, and let them know why you are upset. then the other person get to say what happened in their mind. Half the time it works, it's usually miscommunication or just the act of going to the peace table and hearing each other out helps. The other 50% of the time, it still goes to shit. but hey, we try

NP here. I like this.

OP I took a parenting class once where we were told that parents underestimate the amount of time it takes for kids to calm down after a fight/meltdown/etc. Punishments and lectures in the heat of the moment don't "stick." The parent can influence how quickly the situation de-escalates. The conversation needs to take place after that.

Op here. I like this idea. Hold the punishment til the chaos ends.

[Anonymous]

Wow. OP you need to get a grip. Read Peaceful Parenting, Happy Siblings. Get some tools and change that behavior (theirs and yours) now. Your reaction and punishments are a type of parenting style that causes that kind of behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, too harsh, and why are you still blaming your kid for throwing something when he was two? Even a little bit.

Op here - not blaming, just hyper conscious about her face. She's been followed by a plastic surgeon and dermatologist for the 2 scars. They're that serious.

Supervise your kids better!

[Anonymous]

I sincerely hope you never shut either of your children in a dark room again. All they learned is that they should be afraid of you if they get busted after a moment of poor impulse control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You overreacted and you need to supervise them better.

Agree that OP overreacted but 5 & 7-year-olds shouldn't need to be watched every second in their own home!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You overreacted and you need to supervise them better.

Agree that OP overreacted but 5 & 7-year-olds shouldn't need to be watched every second in their own home!

You always watch your elementary schoolers as they walk up the stairs in your house? Do you also not take your eyes off of them while they pee?

[Anonymous]

You really need to get the FULL story in the moment. Calm them both, let one talk then the other, and proceed. Unless your child is in life threatening danger, there's really no need to yell/shout. If my daughter is screaming I've found if I whisper she will get quiet pretty quick to hear me.

Took me a while to get into that rhythm, and stopping myself from yelling. It's really made a difference though.