Separate bedrooms

[Anonymous]

My husband has been Active Duty Army for the last 17 years, so I understand where you are going with being used to being separated. However, I grew up in a home where my parents did sleep in separate beds and eventually they divorced. They told us it was for sleeping issues, but I feel like that was just a cover. Now, I'm not saying that all married couples who sleep in separate beds will divorce, but I would urge caution. Be cautious that you do not lose the intimacy over time and continue to have open lines of communication. It sounds like this arrangement has been working so far, but have you two really sat down and had a heart to heart about why you've continued the arrangement, after the dog healed up? Are there modifications to your schedules or sleeping atmosphere that you could make so you could share the same bed? Just a few thoughts!

[Anonymous]

Don't discuss your sleeping arrangements with co-workers, ever. I'm going assume you are young and or naive or both. Don't do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is very common.

That said, it does kill sexual intimacy eventually.

I disagree. Ours has improved since we started sleeping apart. I think it's because we're no longer exhausted and mad at being kept awake. (DH would snore, I would toss and turn. Neither one of us slept well).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't discuss your sleeping arrangements with co-workers, ever.

Yep, that.

The only thing weird here is your boss pulling you aside and saying something to you about this. WTFBBQ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is very common.

That said, it does kill sexual intimacy eventually.

Spend any time on this forum and you'll see it doesn't take separate bedrooms to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's weird that your boss would provide her thoughts on the matter.

+1 million

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the last year DH and I have been sleeping in separate bedrooms. It started when one of our larger dogs needed a surgery and was confined to our first floor. Recovery time was 3 months and I would sleep in the room with him. After the recovery, I never moved back into our bedroom to sleep. I still have all my clothes in the closet of the master and use the master bath to shower, brush my teeth, make up etc.. We still have sex at least once if not twice a week. We do not have children. When family or friends visit (5-6 times a year) I sleep back in the master with him. Why dont I just move back in full time? Few reasons- 1. DH and I are on different schedules. I always went to bed about 2 hours before him and up about 2 hours earlier in the morning. He would wake me up when getting in bed. If I wake up in the middle of the night I like to put the TV on to fall back asleep-this has always been a problem for him. I have done that since I was a teenager and its difficult for me to fall asleep without any background noise, he likes silence. 2. I get really hot at night ( Im in my mid 40s and think its only going to get worse.) 3. He snores, loud.

I never thought it was bad until I had lunch with some coworkers. The one man there thought it was a great situation. After lunch, when I was alone with my boss, she told me that she was concerned and eventually she thought it would lead to a disconnect between us. "We are missing out on pillow talk." We never really had that because of our schedules. Also DH has never been a morning nookie person unfortunately, so not missing out on that since it never happened before. We are affectionate. Hugs and kisses hello, good bye and good night.

I should also add that in the master bedroom we only have a queen size bed. It was expensive and we bought it 3 years ago when we were in a smaller place. I dont want to buy a king yet because we are planning to move again next summer and we would like to buy a new bedroom set with a king then. We have had to move frequently with the military but he retires next year and we are going to be living permanently down south. I feel its a temporary situation until we have the comfort of a more spacious bed. DH opinion is that I can sleep with him any night I want but if I am more comfy in the other bed for now then he is fine with it. Also noting him being in the military, we have spent months, even over a year apart once so I was used to not sleeping together all the time. Boss thinks thats all the more reason to be together now. He won't be deployed before retirement again, so not worried about him being away for long periods of time anymore.

Is this so weird and do you think we are heading towards a disconnect in the future?

I started sleeping in a separate bedroom because there were big resentments between the two of us, I am affectionate and he is not affectionate at all unless he is "doing it for me" - which he lets me know - and I couldn't actually fall asleep being next to someone who refused to touch me. I then started sleeping much better alone. There seemed to be no reason to move back in as everything else was pretty much like your situation.

[Anonymous]

It's fine, OP. As long as you keep having regular sex and spend time snuggling when not sleeping, and as long as you check with each other to make sure you're both feeling connected and okay, then do what works for you. Maybe have sleepovers now and then, just to check on how you feel about it.

A lot more couples sleep separately than you think. It just doesn't come up as a subject much.

I would love to have my own room where I could go sleep on nights I'm so tired I want to go to bed extra early. I'm a very light sleeper. Plus sometimes I just love to sleep alone. I sleep so much better alone. But my husband feels a strong need to sleep with me, so his preference overrides, as it would negatively affect our relationship.

[Anonymous]

My parents have been married 49 years & have a very similar arrangement as you describe for the last 25 years, for the same reasons. They like and love each other & have maintained intimacy - its just what works best for them.

[Anonymous]

My husband is a light sleeper. He is up and down during the night. I, on the other hand, need a solid 8 hours sleep or else...

We've been in separate rooms for years and we are still in our 40's. I think its fine, if it works for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's weird that your boss would provide her thoughts on the matter.

It's even weirder that OP would share these details with her boss!! Completely inappropriate at work!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is very common.

That said, it does kill sexual intimacy eventually.

I disagree. Ours has improved since we started sleeping apart. I think it's because we're no longer exhausted and mad at being kept awake. (DH would snore, I would toss and turn. Neither one of us slept well).

+1

[Anonymous]

Marriage only has to make sense for the two people who are in it!! If you aren't losing intimacy, then sleeping separately might actually save your marriage. Not sleeping well really sucks.

DH and I sleep separately and it works for us.

[Anonymous]

I think you both have the "dream" set-up.
(No pun intended.)

It really is much easier to get a good nights rest when you do not share a bed.
I personally cannot sleep at ALL when someone snores.
Nope, not even a tiny wink.

Also I do tend to awaken at times when someone moves around next to me in bed.

Perhaps on weekends you can opt to sleep w/him, it may be easier for you if you don't have to get up early the next morning.

Overall, I do not feel your set-up is weird at all!