DH doesn't want sex...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here...DH is definitely not on antidepressants. The closest thing he watches to porn is 50 shades of gray (when I'm out of town). Don't think he watches on his computer because it is a work laptop and he'd be fired. We had an awesome sex life until our first child came along (to be honest it was a surprise). I am really anxious that he just might not find me attractive, but I do think I've kept things together more than he has. Afraid to bring up low testosterone because I know he'll be offended. Have suggested therapy, but never follows through. I realize relationships take work, but I'm tired of feeling unattractive because my initiations are declined. He knows my feelings (wish there was more intimacy) and has failed to address them continuously. Seems silly to end a marriage over this, but I'm too young to give up sex (and feel it's an important component of a happy marriage).

Just buy a massager/toys and do not be secretive about it. As for H, get a physical. Let the doc decide if it's fatigue or something more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here...DH is definitely not on antidepressants. The closest thing he watches to porn is 50 shades of gray (when I'm out of town). Don't think he watches on his computer because it is a work laptop and he'd be fired. We had an awesome sex life until our first child came along (to be honest it was a surprise). I am really anxious that he just might not find me attractive, but I do think I've kept things together more than he has. Afraid to bring up low testosterone because I know he'll be offended. Have suggested therapy, but never follows through. I realize relationships take work, but I'm tired of feeling unattractive because my initiations are declined. He knows my feelings (wish there was more intimacy) and has failed to address them continuously. Seems silly to end a marriage over this, but I'm too young to give up sex (and feel it's an important component of a happy marriage).

No advice. But you're not alone.

[Anonymous]

I'm in the same boat. About 2 years ago DH had an affair. After I found out I moved back into the bedroom (I'd previously moved out for sleep reasons, and our sex life suffered). And after I moved back in we had some sex. But mostly, sexless marriage. We met the definition before the affair, and yes, still after. Yes, we went to counseling for about a year.

I'm heartsick. He's my everything. No I don't want to initiate. He knows he has to: He had the affair, he needs to come to me. I don't even know if he'd have sex with me if I initiated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the same boat. About 2 years ago DH had an affair. After I found out I moved back into the bedroom (I'd previously moved out for sleep reasons, and our sex life suffered). And after I moved back in we had some sex. But mostly, sexless marriage. We met the definition before the affair, and yes, still after. Yes, we went to counseling for about a year.

I'm heartsick. He's my everything. No I don't want to initiate. He knows he has to: He had the affair, he needs to come to me. I don't even know if he'd have sex with me if I initiated.

Leaving aside the affair - how do you love someone you aren't having sex with? I get platonic love, but romantic love?

[Anonymous]

Me too OP. We have had sex, on average, twice a year in the 5 years since we've had kids.

I have finally gotten my husband to agree to a full physical, inclusive of bloodwork and testosterone check. I'm sooo hoping that will address the issue.

No affairs, just a low to non-existent sex drive (his was always lower than mine) in an otherwise pretty terrific relationship.

It sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the same boat. About 2 years ago DH had an affair. After I found out I moved back into the bedroom (I'd previously moved out for sleep reasons, and our sex life suffered). And after I moved back in we had some sex. But mostly, sexless marriage. We met the definition before the affair, and yes, still after. Yes, we went to counseling for about a year.

I'm heartsick. He's my everything. No I don't want to initiate. He knows he has to: He had the affair, he needs to come to me. I don't even know if he'd have sex with me if I initiated.

Leaving aside the affair - how do you love someone you aren't having sex with? I get platonic love, but romantic love?

What's wrong with platonic love? Except that I do want to be having sex with him. But I want him to make the move.

[Anonymous]

I was in the same boat. Starting sending him dirty pictures of myself on his way home from work. Problem solved. Not that it would work for everyone, but it's a thought...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the same boat. About 2 years ago DH had an affair. After I found out I moved back into the bedroom (I'd previously moved out for sleep reasons, and our sex life suffered). And after I moved back in we had some sex. But mostly, sexless marriage. We met the definition before the affair, and yes, still after. Yes, we went to counseling for about a year.

I'm heartsick. He's my everything. No I don't want to initiate. He knows he has to: He had the affair, he needs to come to me. I don't even know if he'd have sex with me if I initiated.

So after not sleeping in the bedroom and living a sexless marriage you expect him to be faithful or OK with that arrangement? No wonder he cheated

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the same boat. About 2 years ago DH had an affair. After I found out I moved back into the bedroom (I'd previously moved out for sleep reasons, and our sex life suffered). And after I moved back in we had some sex. But mostly, sexless marriage. We met the definition before the affair, and yes, still after. Yes, we went to counseling for about a year.

I'm heartsick. He's my everything. No I don't want to initiate. He knows he has to: He had the affair, he needs to come to me. I don't even know if he'd have sex with me if I initiated.

Were you initiating before the affair? If not, the affair is still obviously a legitimate issue, but don't blame your reluctance to initiate on the affair.
(Mostly I'm just projecting because my wife doesn't initiate, and I've never had an affair.)