If you are happily remarried, does the love feel more authentic than it did in the first marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are women capable of rewriting history to justify their current choices?

Why yes, of course they are!

Even better the divorce rate for 2nd marriages is much higher and kids from split families are more likely to divorce.

So those feelings of how wonderful it is now - won't be there tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am one of only three people in my very large family to ever divorce. I am now happily remarried. My great grandmother divorced in the 1930s and it was scandalous back then. One uncle divorced after a brief marriage in the 1980s and it too was scandalous. My grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, siblings and most of my 35 cousins are still married to their high school or college sweethearts. My family is religious, many of them are from small working class towns. I went to a family wedding every year of my life until I was 30. My childhood was full of nonstop, unquestioned messages that marriage happens to everyone and it lasts forever as long as you work hard at it...sometimes really really hard. Sacrifice. Tolerating disrespect. Not wanting much for yourself. There is a sort of mythology attached to meeting and marrying young and making it last into your senior years until death. The first and only love fantasy runs deep in my family.

Well, that framework just did not work for me. I met my first husband somewhat young (mid twenties) and attached the same sort of fantasy to it...in the end hard work did not save it....he was an irresponsible a*$&-+&.

I've been in my second marriage for a little over a decade and I'm struck by how good we are together and how easy marriage with him is. No sacrifices. No disrespect. We resolve problems relatively quickly and without any drama. Sex life good. We make a good team. I sometimes though have grief over him not being my one and only husband who I met when I was very young. I accept and I'm grateful for what we have but I so wish I had met him in college....that he had been my first love. I felt a twinge of sadness about it when my 6 year old asked me about my wedding to her father. My divorce is not a family secret that we will hide from her..but she was so innocent as she imagined our wedding being the only one.

Can anyone relate? Or share a different worldview that will shift this narrow way of thinking for me?

Anyone relate?

You are me, except my parents divorced when I was 12, and when I told them I was leaving my first husband, they were supportive.

My second marriage is everything I thought that marriage was supposed to be but never really felt with my first husband. For many years, I thought there was truly something wrong with me that I did not feel that way about him. My second husband is absolutely wonderful, and I could not be happier. Married 5 years, and we were just marveling the other day at how long "the honeymoon phase" has lasted for us. At some point, it's not a phase anymore but just how our relationship is, which is awesome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are women capable of rewriting history to justify their current choices?

Why yes, of course they are!

Even better the divorce rate for 2nd marriages is much higher and kids from split families are more likely to divorce.

So those feelings of how wonderful it is now - won't be there tomorrow.

How do you account for second marriages that last decades longer than the first marriage and both spouses report happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are women capable of rewriting history to justify their current choices?

Why yes, of course they are!

Even better the divorce rate for 2nd marriages is much higher and kids from split families are more likely to divorce.

So those feelings of how wonderful it is now - won't be there tomorrow.

How do you account for second marriages that last decades longer than the first marriage and both spouses report happiness.

I posted above about how my second marriage is much better than my first.

The divorce rate for second marriages is high, it's true. I think that one reason for this is that once you've divorced one time, it feels like less of a huge deal. If for some reason DH turned awful, I would know a bit more clearly what my limits were as far as working it out goes. We also don't have children together, so logistically, it would be less of a lingering thing if we divorced.

That said, I think that for second marriages that do last decades longer than the first, it is often because both spouses know better how to be married, how to argue in a way that doesn't escalate, and other such lessons-learned from first marriage.

In any case, there are going to be second marriages that are happy the same way there are first marriages that are happy and also some that are less happy.

[Anonymous]

I think you've just traded the prince fantasy of first marriage to the fantasy that "everything happens for a reason" "It was meant to be" fantasy that many divorcees like to attach to second marriages.

I think it's a shame that you are still wishing he had been your first love. You need to own your mistakes from the first go around and be at peace with them to ever be truly happy.

[Anonymous]

There was love in the first and it continues to this day. But I would say that now it's broader, somewhat deeper and more personal. This marriage is with someone that I consider a best friend, we share interests and our personalities are more aligned for compatibility which wasn't the case in the first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you've just traded the prince fantasy of first marriage to the fantasy that "everything happens for a reason" "It was meant to be" fantasy that many divorcees like to attach to second marriages.

I think it's a shame that you are still wishing he had been your first love. You need to own your mistakes from the first go around and be at peace with them to ever be truly happy.

100% this.

Instead of owning that she wants to pass this on to her daughter who will only end up doubting herself if her first boyfriend happens to be the one.

[Anonymous]

Guy here: I remarried and its been awesome. In hindsight, my ex and I weren't good for each other. I'm 15 years in and it was the best decision of my life.

[Anonymous]

My second marriage love is better than the first. It's much more accepting, premised on knowing and accepting the person as-is. I had strong feelings for my ex as I hoped he was, not as he actually was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are people capable of learning from history to improve their current choices?

Why yes, of course they are!

I totally agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you've just trade! prince fantasy of first marriage to the fantasy that "everything happens for a reason" "It was meant to be" fantasy that many divorcees like to attach to second marriages.

I think it's a shame that you are still wishing he had been your first love. You need to own your mistakes from the first go around and be at peace with them to ever be truly happy.

100% this.

Instead of owning that she wants to pass this on to her daughter who will only end up doubting herself if her first boyfriend happens to be the one.

OP here. Hmmmm...agree with both of you.. You know, by accepting full responsibility, she wont be burdened with what are my issues/choices...it frees her to choose what she wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you've just traded the prince fantasy of first marriage to the fantasy that "everything happens for a reason" "It was meant to be" fantasy that many divorcees like to attach to second marriages.

I / it's a shame that you are still wishing he had been your first love. You need to own your mistakes from the first go around and be at peace with them to ever be truly happy.

100% this.

Instead of owning that she wants to pass this on to her daughter who will only end up doubting herself if her first boyfriend happens to be the one.

OP again. To me it seems that any advice or framework I could pass on to her is fraught with the potential to make her doubt her decision.. What do you think the appropriate role is for parents to play when discussing marriage with their children/adolescents/grown offspring?

[Anonymous]

Definitely can relate to your feelings of not wanting to break any dreams of your daughter about your special love with her dad. I gradually shared with my two children, 10 & 6 years old that I had previously been married, not so much as to not bruise their ideas about their dad and I, but seeing as they were growing up and they know their older adult brother and sister, it made sense to do so. Since I'm interracially married, it was obvious that their brother and sister couldn’t have come from their father and me. Of course when the kids were little, I don’t think they thought much about it, but they're smart cookies, so I’m sure they wondered. My taking my time and deciding every year (after they begin to ask questions about serious life topics, which was about when the older of the two was six or so) to share more and more about the fact that I had been married before was actually more about being sensitive to my husband’s feelings. He comes from a family though not religious so to speak also has views about marriage, like most families I think. In particular, his dad has what are considered very conservative views on marriage that cause much grief and issues for my husband, his mom and thus the kids and me. All that said, I believe God’s Word, and it says the truth shall set you free. And I think that when the truth is shared in lovingkindness, timely and with wisdom, it brings what’s needed to a situation. It brings light. So I think your daughter will grow up realizing how much more special it is that you and your husband found each other and were blessed to have her, even if it wasn’t the « fairytale » high school-prince & princess charming relationship. You are an example that it can happen whenever and wherever. And that’s a hopeful message! And it’s so great to have such examples too for those of us who struggle to hold on, and still despite all we’ve tried end up divorced. It show God’s mercy and that there can be a rainbow again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Definitely can relate to your feelings of not wanting to break any dreams of your daughter about your special love with her dad. I gradually shared with my two children, 10 & 6 years old that I had previously been married, not so much as to not bruise their ideas about their dad and I, but seeing as they were growing up and they know their older adult brother and sister, it made sense to do so. Since I'm interracially married, it was obvious that their brother and sister couldn’t have come from their father and me. Of course when the kids were little, I don’t think they thought much about it, but they're smart cookies, so I’m sure they wondered. My taking my time and deciding every year (after they begin to ask questions about serious life topics, which was about when the older of the two was six or so) to share more and more about the fact that I had been married before was actually more about being sensitive to my husband’s feelings. He comes from a family though not religious so to speak also has views about marriage, like most families I think. In particular, his dad has what are considered very conservative views on marriage that cause much grief and issues for my husband, his mom and thus the kids and me. All that said, I believe God’s Word, and it says the truth shall set you free. And I think that when the truth is shared in lovingkindness, timely and with wisdom, it brings what’s needed to a situation. It brings light. So I think your daughter will grow up realizing how much more special it is that you and your husband found each other and were blessed to have her, even if it wasn’t the « fairytale » high school-prince & princess charming relationship. You are an example that it can happen whenever and wherever. And that’s a hopeful message! And it’s so great to have such examples too for those of us who struggle to hold on, and still despite all we’ve tried end up divorced. It show God’s mercy and that there can be a rainbow again.

OP here. Best thing I have EVER read/heard about remarriage. Your words were exactly what I needed to hear...you have no idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Off topic, but I think you are doing your dd a disservice if you let her believe the fantasy of the prince.

OP here. Thank you for that...

While no one explicitly said I'd find "my prince" it was, now that you point it out, implicit in my family culture and (disturbingly) in the slight sadness I felt about my daughter's starry eyed expression that showed she thought my wedding day to her father was just like Cinderella. Ugh. Hmm.....going to be more cognizant of this...because the messages I got were pretty warped.

Your daughter was old enough to be starry eyed when you married her dad?