What to say and how to support a parent who's child is transitioning to a different gender

[Anonymous]

At this age, how do you know they are truly identifying in a permanent way as the opposite gender? My younger sister went through this at the same age, dressed in boys clothes and called herself by a boys name for about a year. our parents just went along. We discussed this recently, and she can barely remember the year she spent as a boy, much less remember her reasons or thinking as such a young child.

[Anonymous]

I do not know specifics. But with most things that fall into the category of "not being accepted by everyone." I think the best advice is to continue to treat them like normal. Maybe go out of your way to ask how they are doing. But I think just letting them know that you still feel the same way about them - is very important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not know specifics. But with most things that fall into the category of "not being accepted by everyone." I think the best advice is to continue to treat them like normal. Maybe go out of your way to ask how they are doing. But I think just letting them know that you still feel the same way about them - is very important.

+1 and as another pp said, just roll with it - some days the family will be fine with it, other days may be hard. When/if they're confiding in you about something hard, you need only say something like "I'm so sorry to hear that happened; x is such a great kid!" "I'm sure it is hard, let me know if there is anything we can do. You know we love x and support you all 100%." You are obviously a caring person and a good friend to this family. You're doing all the right things. Don't overthink it. This is the solution/resolution to a lot of stuff for them, too. It's not all bad! Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is very kind of you to want to be supportive in this situation. Some things are basic like using proper pronouns and names etc. There's a great podcast about a woman with a young child who transitioned. It's well done and might be useful. It's called How to be a Girl, you might check it out.

And when in doubt just ask how you can be supportive.

I second this podcast

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A child in my daughters class is gender non-conforming. At this time, the parents are working through letting the child choose which gender he/she wants to be on any given day. For example, some days, he is in schools as a boy and some as a girl and some really it's a mix.

The kids (same age as your OP) really go with the flow on it. As for parental support....the child is the same kid today as yesterday as tomorrow. Gender doesn't mean the person inside changes. Just talk to the child as you would any other and be open to any discussions the parents may (or may not!) want to have.

+1

I actually know four families in various stages of this. One a young adult who as officially transitioned, family was "go with the flow." One tween who has dramatically swung between genders since they were toddlers, but seems to be landing on their birth gender. This family was go with the flow. And two kids in early elementary, one with a go with the flow family and one with a family who is freaking out. The most troubled kid in the bunch is the one whose family is freaking out.

Call the kid the name the kid wants to be called. If one day it's Mary and the next day its Joe, go with it. Treat the kid as you would any other.

[Anonymous]

For the family we know, they really enjoyed NOT talking about it also. Just having their child being treated as any other child. On days he presented as his birth gender, we called him by his "boy name" and played games and hung out and watched the IPAD. On days she presented as a girl, we called her by her "girl name" and played games and hung out and watched the IPAD.

Mostly, we talked about wine or our book club, or a teacher we didn't like. Just normal mom stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is very kind of you to want to be supportive in this situation. Some things are basic like using proper pronouns and names etc. There's a great podcast about a woman with a young child who transitioned. It's well done and might be useful. It's called How to be a Girl, you might check it out.

And when in doubt just ask how you can be supportive.

I second this podcast

Thank you. Would it be informative if the transition is from girl to boy?

[Anonymous]

There's a chapter about families with a transgender child in this extraordinary book:

Far From the Tree, by Andrew Solomon

https://www.amazon.com/Far-Tree-Parents-Children-Identity/dp/0743236726

The whole book is fascinating and written with tremendous insight and empathy. A large theme running through it -- including the transgender chapter -- is the complexity of the parent/child relationship when the child turns out to be different than the parents in a way that greatly impacts identify (ex. deaf child w/ hearing parents, autistic child with NT parents, dwarf child w/ non-dwarf parents, transgender child w/ cisgender parents).

I would recommend the book to pretty much anyone who is interested in parenting or questions of identity more broadly. But I'm guessing the transgender piece would be especially helpful as you continue to support your friends and their child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At this age, how do you know they are truly identifying in a permanent way as the opposite gender? My younger sister went through this at the same age, dressed in boys clothes and called herself by a boys name for about a year. our parents just went along. We discussed this recently, and she can barely remember the year she spent as a boy, much less remember her reasons or thinking as such a young child.

So did Angelina Jolie's daughter.

[Anonymous]

Damn. This thread makes it sound so common.

I always thought it was relatively rare.

Well, the fish in the Potomac have become dual-gendered....must be in the water.

I'm 46 and other than 1 co-worker that switched female to male it's the only person IRL that I know.