Really hard week with foster daughter

[Anonymous]

The tantrums were the worst when our (former foster, now adopted) daughter was overtired. She got much more tired (and then wired) than other kids her age. We have children by birth, infant adoption, older child adoption, and foster care. This DD was in elementary school when she came to us. She has a terrible MONTH to 6-weeks every year around the time that she was removed from her birthfamily by the police. Very traumatic. When the days lengthen in the early spring, something in her is triggered deeply. It's been 14 years. She is in her twenties now. It still happens and we still provide extra support and constant contact during that time.

Tonight our 9 year old was weepy because of a fear of being homeless when she grows up. I think of all the fun summer-y things she did today and how gleeful she was. But there is a shadow there, a space within her where fear, trauma, shame live. It's heartbreaking because she has been homeless. She knows what it is.

Almost all of my kids who have lived through trauma have an experience similar to "sundowning" with the elderly. They become agitated in the evening. It's just too much, too overwhelming for them to cope sometimes.

Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Pp here. I referred to my daughter as "former foster, now adopted" to give OP the context of how she arrived in our family, which is how OP's child arrived. I wanted her to know that history from many years ago. But let me be totally clear: she is my daughter. Through and through. And I am her mom. I am the second mother she has had in her lifetime, and both of us have found a place in different parts of her life and heart.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thanks all for the support and advice. It's helpful to hear your stories. Sometimes parenting, even with dh support, can be very lonely.

Yesterday was another very trying day. We had many good moments and several trying ones, but ultimately ended on a positive note.

It's very possible this is a traumaversary. There is little known about the past as birth parents as well as the kids are very reluctant to share anything. There are lots of behaviors among the children (including what brought them into care) that indicate all was not peachy in the past.

I've also noticed the sun downing described by one pp. we learned very early on that we do not mess with her bedtime routine. The routine stays very consistent down to the books we read. Anytime there is a variation, things go poorly super quickly. She has an 8pm bedtime and usually wakes up super early (around 6). If she goes to bed later, then she will still wake up around 6.

She was removed due to neglect and mom has no substance abuse issues that are known. She has a strong work ethic and works in a position/place that requires drug testing (think medical/pharmaceutical), but I realize that doesn't rule anything out. One of the big issues we have with birth family is that they are recent immigrants to America and don't understand social services among many things. (For example, it's not clear to me that mom understands the gravity of the situation). I think moms other hurdle is significant mental health issues along the lines of depression, however this has yet to be dx. She takes the phrase "flat affect" to the extreme.

Her responsibilities in our home are mild. Keep order in your room (it just can't be total bedlam), hang up your towel and swim suit, unpack your lunch box (put things in the sink, ice pack in the freezer), shower and brush your teeth nightly. We expect general politeness (please and thank you) and that's about it. Consequences are usually 8 minutes "break" or loss of iPad privileges for the day. These are implemented when she shows disrespectful or nagging behavior (8 minute break) or we have to ask her to do something 900 times (loss of iPad privileges).

The iPad is actually infrequently used in the house. I don't think the kids have used it in a week, so it's a pretty weak punishment by that account but I want there to be some "consequence" for ignoring us. The threat of iPad suspension usually motivates her but makes her angry that there is a consequence. So then I deal with the anger. I don't have a lot of good ideas so I feel like I'm grasping for straws with this one. Sometimes we will do loss of other privileges but we don't want to punish other kids in the house so they are trickier.

As for the break, I just need there to be an interruption to the behavior. She's a particularly vicious nagger, "can I have a Popsicle" broken record, and so the break is usually the enough time to refocus her.

Lately though, everything has been making her upset. And she goes into full meltdown mode. Grandma put something here instead of there. Foster brother picked up a bead on the floor AND IT IS HERS! She said she wanted to sleep with this blanket but now she wants the blanket that he has. She wants more sugary food for breakfast and we said no.

Thanks for listening.

[Anonymous]

Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Our son had a horrible period from memorial day in 3rd grade through the summer. (age 9)

We were engaged, supportive, did everything we are suppose to do and were at our wits end. Therapist did not work as he would not engage.

We looked for triggers and worked to avoid them. Situations around transitions, expectations, commitments and changes to any of the above would quickly spiral out of control. He sees things as black and white. If we said we were going to the fire works - but it is raining - we still said we were doing it. We work to do the things we committed to - and sometimes are surprised that we still are able to enjoy the moment at times when the "adult" in us buts up barriers (this past week we had thrown in the towel to see the fireworks on the mall - but we went anyway at 8:15 PM and had a great time)

A year later - a different child. I am not sure if it was a growth issue, if there were some things happening at school (I think there may have been some aggressive teasing border line bullying but uncertain).

The summer of age 9 was exhausting. We were constantly on edge.

[Anonymous]

OP, instead of the IPad punishment here are a few other ideas:

-write "I will not nag" ten times. If she nags again in the same day, has to write it twenty times.
-have HER repair the problem. If she threw a tantrum over wanting to sit somewhere on the couch but someone else was there, have her come up with how to fix it after she's calmed down. Maybe she says sorry and sings them a song. Maybe she says sorry and shares popcorn with them.

Also, I suggest time IN rather than time OUT. The fear of rejection is very high and runs very deep. Bring her to her room, don't send her. Stay with her. Talk or don't, but be there.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for making a huge difference in this child's life, OP.
Hugs.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the time in suggestion, but also try to find time during the day where she can call the shots while having your undivided attention. 10-15 minutes of you doing an activity of her choosing, using whatever rules she wants, giving her only positive feedback for the duration of that activity. Just use that time to connect.

[Anonymous]

you're getting good advice here, OP, and doing a good job. Bryan Post's stuff on Beyond Consequences might be helpful. Also, there is a book called "Love Me, Feed Me" about food and traumatized kids. Might be helpful. I've known people who do well with a box of snacks the kid can take from anytime, or a "Yes jar" of food she needs to ask you for, but you will always say yes.

Avoiding the word "no" can also help. So to "can I have a popsicle?" maybe "yes you can! right after we eat dinner and clean up!" could help. Some kids will still hear that as a no, but others seem to do a little better with anything other than "no."

[Anonymous]

One neuro possibility is sensory processing disorder or sensory integration issues. Basically right and left Brain aren't talking, or hands or ears are sending too much info to the brain, or not enough. Google some info but it's common among children who've suffered trauma, malnutrition, etc. a lot of similar advice to what you've already received, but there may be a few extra tips - if she has a flat affect (under stimulated) then doing some jumping jacks, pushing a wall, or playing with wet sand in a bowl or other gritty textures may stimulate her brain enough to help her regulate her emotions more.

Thank you for your work and for making such a difference in this child's life. You're a true hero.

[Anonymous]

OP - How many "foster" children or bio children are in your family as there may be some sibling rivalry issues going on, too, for your attention. If you are married, then also see if DD is taking a different tact with you than DH. You both need to be consistent with all kids on behavior and expectations. You are very good to help out these children.