Monitoring texting elementary school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see two separate issues here.

First, I think you need to explain to your daughter that even joking about what another person eats is not appropriate. The drama you are speaking about started with your daughter hurting another child's feelings, even if she did not intent that to happen. Your daughter needs to understand her role in this situation, which it sounds like she does because she said she was sorry. Talk to her about how this is a lesson learned for next time.

Second, texting is an easy way for girl A to let your daughter know she did not like what she said. It is likely much harder for girl A to speak these words - texting gives her strength. I don't think girl B should have been involved and I do agree that adds to the drama. But again, the initial joking about food by your daughter and response by girl A is not drama - it is an exchange of unkind words started by your daughter.

Please don't take this as an attack on you personally or your daughter. I just want to provide an outsiders perspective based on the information you shared. I think it is fine to allow DD to text with her friends and it is great you are monitoring the texts. Use this is an opportunity to teach DD how to interact differently with her friends.

Apparently not with those friends. That's not a blanket rule, though. Kids tease each other, that's part of being friends and playing with each other.

[Anonymous]

In Pulp Fiction, drowning fries in mayonnaise was also deemed gross.

5th grade is too young to text. Teach your daughter not to comment on the other girls' food, since they are sensitive about it.

[Anonymous]

I think your daughter was rude and should be taught that no one likes to be told the food they are currently eating is gross. I don't think the friend was out of line to text that she thought your daughter was rude and your daughter hurt her feelings. The friend shouldn't have added the other friend to the text, though. Your daughter did the right thing by apologizing (although that was a pretty weak apology, but they're about 10). The only issue I see hear is whether there will be some sort of drama or fighting the next day. Without that, I'm not seeing the big deal about these texts.

But the main takeaway is that you can't control what other people text; all you can control is whether it happens in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why I made my DD diversify her friend portfolio - when one set were not working out I'd nudge her towards other kids. She never even realized she was too busy for the problem kids.

You manipulate your tween's friendships? Get a life lady

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a sixth grader and we don't allow texting. It's not that hard. Just don't do it.

And your daughter needs some social skills to build up her resilience, and perhaps you need to back away some too. I don't see anything egregious in the communications from the girls you describe as "drama girl" and "pot stirrer" - they are doing exactly what your own daughter did which is to express their opinions of someone else's behavior. Not a big deal.

Exactly. The only kids that have texting capabilities are the mean girls with the mean moms. You wait a few years for a phone and you bypassed the petty BS those girl stir up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I made my DD diversify her friend portfolio - when one set were not working out I'd nudge her towards other kids. She never even realized she was too busy for the problem kids.

You manipulate your tween's friendships? Get a life lady

Sorry, whomever you are...you are dead[u] wrong. I am a teacher, not the OP. She is absolutely correct in monitoring her kids' online interactions, in fact, it's paramount that she does, especially at this age, but particularly as they get older.What goes on online now is not for the meek. Its brutal, divisive, and dangerous. Yes, we were all bullied to some degree as kids, but texting, FB, KICK, Snapchat, ( I could go on...) takes that power to a whole new level. Lives are ruined by this, and suicide is not unusual. Now, the whole mayonnaise is a very mild foreshadowing of what online interactions can do, but take note of what really is going on.

The girls choose to do this in a text- not on the phone, not in person.
They combined forces to to this.
They had a purpose- and it really wasn't about the "ewww" comment, most likely. They were looking for ways to control her. BTW- it NEVER is really about what it looks like.
The fact that these girls feel it is their job to censure her means that there will be other times,and that there are "rules." They have already set up a situation where they have discussed her comment, made a decision as to her "right" to say it to the girl- that means they are deciding on the pecking order here, not the comment. The fact that she had to continually apologize to them shows us the dynamic here.

Is this new? The behavior is not, the method and the power is. Take note.
Yeah, and this is nothing. It gets incrementally worse if not nipped in the bud.

I can suggest some reading material, but OP MOM, continue to monitor.

So what happens later online, if this is nacent? Just wait.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a sixth grader and we don't allow texting. It's not that hard. Just don't do it.

And your daughter needs some social skills to build up her resilience, and perhaps you need to back away some too. I don't see anything egregious in the communications from the girls you describe as "drama girl" and "pot stirrer" - they are doing exactly what your own daughter did which is to express their opinions of someone else's behavior. Not a big deal.

Good luck with that one, Mom. That will last 5 minutes. No sixth grader does not have access to a phone or computer these days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see two separate issues here.

First, I think you need to explain to your daughter that even joking about what another person eats is not appropriate. The drama you are speaking about started with your daughter hurting another child's feelings, even if she did not intent that to happen. Your daughter needs to understand her role in this situation, which it sounds like she does because she said she was sorry. Talk to her about how this is a lesson learned for next time.

Second, texting is an easy way for girl A to let your daughter know she did not like what she said. It is likely much harder for girl A to speak these words - texting gives her strength. I don't think girl B should have been involved and I do agree that adds to the drama. But again, the initial joking about food by your daughter and response by girl A is not drama - it is an exchange of unkind words started by your daughter.

Please don't take this as an attack on you personally or your daughter. I just want to provide an outsiders perspective based on the information you shared. I think it is fine to allow DD to text with her friends and it is great you are monitoring the texts. Use this is an opportunity to teach DD how to interact differently with her friends.

Oh, barf. I seriously doubt that OP's daughter saying that mayo on fries looked gross made the other girl cry. Girl A is stirring up drama over nothing. No, it's not polite to tell someone that you think their food is gross, but FFS, if a little comment like that makes you cry, that's really your problem. And the appropriate way to handle it is to make a comment in the moment, not stir up shit later in a way that involves your other friends. You can privately text someone, "Hey, that comment about my fries hurt my feelings." Your daughter can then apologize. This friend didn't do that because she wanted to create drama. Sometimes friends tease each other. If this is a common pattern, these are shitty overdramatic friends. How does your daughter react if one of her friends says something mildly critical?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I made my DD diversify her friend portfolio - when one set were not working out I'd nudge her towards other kids. She never even realized she was too busy for the problem kids.

You manipulate your tween's friendships? Get a life lady

Sorry, whomever you are...you are dead[u] wrong. I am a teacher, not the OP. She is absolutely correct in monitoring her kids' online interactions, in fact, it's paramount that she does, especially at this age, but particularly as they get older.What goes on online now is not for the meek. Its brutal, divisive, and dangerous. Yes, we were all bullied to some degree as kids, but texting, FB, KICK, Snapchat, ( I could go on...) takes that power to a whole new level. Lives are ruined by this, and suicide is not unusual. Now, the whole mayonnaise is a very mild foreshadowing of what online interactions can do, but take note of what really is going on.

The girls choose to do this in a text- not on the phone, not in person.
They combined forces to to this.
They had a purpose- and it really wasn't about the "ewww" comment, most likely. They were looking for ways to control her. BTW- it NEVER is really about what it looks like.
The fact that these girls feel it is their job to censure her means that there will be other times,and that there are "rules." They have already set up a situation where they have discussed her comment, made a decision as to her "right" to say it to the girl- that means they are deciding on the pecking order here, not the comment. The fact that she had to continually apologize to them shows us the dynamic here.

Is this new? The behavior is not, the method and the power is. Take note.
Yeah, and this is nothing. It gets incrementally worse if not nipped in the bud.

I can suggest some reading material, but OP MOM, continue to monitor.

So what happens later online, if this is nacent? Just wait.....

OMG, this. If you think that this is just about one girl having her feelings hurt, you are naive beyond belief. This is absolutely premeditated: intentionally ganging up on someone to exert emotional control. Girls did this crap when I was in school, they just used three-way calling and notes and whatnot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a sixth grader and we don't allow texting. It's not that hard. Just don't do it.

And your daughter needs some social skills to build up her resilience, and perhaps you need to back away some too. I don't see anything egregious in the communications from the girls you describe as "drama girl" and "pot stirrer" - they are doing exactly what your own daughter did which is to express their opinions of someone else's behavior. Not a big deal.

Good luck with that one, Mom. That will last 5 minutes. No sixth grader does not have access to a phone or computer these days.

My daughter is in 7th and doesn't have a phone. She uses the family computer for a little bit of homework only. Only in the entitled world of DCUM do you assume every 6th grader is texting away. Elementary school is just downright terrible parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am all about teaching DD to stand her ground. No one is allowed to tell you about yourself.

That said, my read is that school is a jungle, and my DD needs tools to make it through. My entire adult job had something to do with the fact that I could deflect criticism. I wish I could do that in school. If someone said something to me like something was "rude" or "not cool," as an adult, I had to defend myself. It means being sure of who you are and not being afraid of telling other people about the hard work you're doing.

I don't believe that your limiting text time is going to minimize the attacks. She is caught up in a bully loop and I personally believe she has to stand her ground and be the bigger bully to get herself out of it. Not hurt other people, but stand up to people.

Yeah, but OP's dd was a little bitch for remarking on someone else's food. So, there's that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a sixth grader and we don't allow texting. It's not that hard. Just don't do it.

And your daughter needs some social skills to build up her resilience, and perhaps you need to back away some too. I don't see anything egregious in the communications from the girls you describe as "drama girl" and "pot stirrer" - they are doing exactly what your own daughter did which is to express their opinions of someone else's behavior. Not a big deal.

Good luck with that one, Mom. That will last 5 minutes. No sixth grader does not have access to a phone or computer these days.

My daughter is in 7th and doesn't have a phone. She uses the family computer for a little bit of homework only. Only in the entitled world of DCUM do you assume every 6th grader is texting away. Elementary school is just downright terrible parenting.

Ask a middle school teacher. And, BTW, none of the kids - all with phones- are entitled. They are on free lunch and/or live in HUD housing. Phones are how it's done, period, whether we like it or not. No, I do not agree that they should have them, but they do. Except your kid, I guess. Not only that,the schools encourage BYD- Bring your own device. Not because it is useful in school, but because they can no longer get them to stop using them in class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a sixth grader and we don't allow texting. It's not that hard. Just don't do it.

And your daughter needs some social skills to build up her resilience, and perhaps you need to back away some too. I don't see anything egregious in the communications from the girls you describe as "drama girl" and "pot stirrer" - they are doing exactly what your own daughter did which is to express their opinions of someone else's behavior. Not a big deal.

Good luck with that one, Mom. That will last 5 minutes. No sixth grader does not have access to a phone or computer these days.

Curiously, I've found that to be true only in lower-income areas. High income areas, very few phones.

[Anonymous]

All of my middle schoolers in the Title 1 school where I teach have phones. 3/4 of their phones are better than mine! My DD is in 6th grade and doesn't have a phone. I let her play games on mine but that's it. I don't have the money to pay for a plan for her. Ironic huh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. As I said, my DD does NOT have a phone or her own device. These other girls do. My DD uses our shared family device and I monitor her texting which I began to allow after she showed me she could be responsible.

Like it or not, from my understanding most kids get phones in middle school and begin texting. When my daughter asked about it this seemed like a way to teach her about online communication by talking about it together and me helping her manage it by reading and limiting access.

In terms of diversifying her friend portfolio- yes we are doing that as much as we can. We are new to the area and at a small public school with not a ton of girls in the grade. I'm anxious to move on to middle school where there will be a bigger pond for her to swim in, friend-wise. My daughter is also somewhat shy and anxious which is a bit of a hurdle in meeting new friends. We are working on that.

I have a 5th grade DD who also texts and there are plenty of parent a monitoring and a few time parents have texted back when their were inappropriate texts or too much/too late texting. At the 5the grade level, Don't be afraid to text these girls back, identify yourself and tell them the type of texts they are sending are unacceptable.