Clueless Husband Here - Need advice on how to respond to wife's complaints on appearance

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Drop "for your age" and "for her age" from your vocabulary.

Yes. Don't use these phrases. Just tell her she's beautiful and that you love how she looks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Drop "for your age" and "for her age" from your vocabulary.

Yes. Don't use these phrases. Just tell her she's beautiful and that you love how she looks.

This. Helps if you can include specific things you find attractive about her. Initiate more sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Drop "for your age" and "for her age" from your vocabulary.

Yes. Don't use these phrases. Just tell her she's beautiful and that you love how she looks.

This. Helps if you can include specific things you find attractive about her. Initiate more sex.

+1

[Anonymous]

Tell her she's beautiful. Then come out and say it....her insecurities are getting worse. Ask her what's really going on. Botox comes across as shallow and vain. I think something is bothering her that has nothing to do with wrinkles.

[Anonymous]

This is a tough one. I don't like it when I have a bad outbreak of eczema, for example, and all my husband says is "You look great, honey, you're beautiful." It makes me feel patronized and kind of gaslighted. But I also don't want him to say "You're right, you are hideous!" So you are walking a fine line.

What I recommend: Tell her "Let me take a really close look." Have her sit down and turn on a bright light and scrutinize her face carefully for at least a full minute. Then say "Honey, I have to tell you, I think you are looking really good here." She will feel that you have made an actual appraisal and given her feedback. She may come back and say "But what about my crow's feet!!" Then you can say "Let me look again." Look at the crow's feet for another minute. Come back and say "This looks very faint to me, really not something you want to mess with." Continue to scrutinize, minimize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she work in a profession where there is strong age discrimination?

No, she is a SAHM

if she wanted money for Botox or something is that readily available to her or would she have to ask for it? If your response to her complaints (not suggesting this response) was "what are you gonna do, we're all getting older...." What is the likelihood she would respond with "if I had an extra couple hundred bucks I'd be able to something about it..."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she work in a profession where there is strong age discrimination?

No, she is a SAHM

if she wanted money for Botox or something is that readily available to her or would she have to ask for it? If your response to her complaints (not suggesting this response) was "what are you gonna do, we're all getting older...." What is the likelihood she would respond with "if I had an extra couple hundred bucks I'd be able to something about it..."

I have no idea what botox costs, but if its a couple hundred dollars, she would know she could spend that without asking.

Thanks for all the responses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are f-ed, my friend.

This.

Everybody looks their age, some better, some worse. I hate when 42 year olds insist they look 28. Get a grip, ladies and gents.

OP, you're in a tough spot. I say dodge the bullet any way you can. There is no right answer to this question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a tough one. I don't like it when I have a bad outbreak of eczema, for example, and all my husband says is "You look great, honey, you're beautiful." It makes me feel patronized and kind of gaslighted. But I also don't want him to say "You're right, you are hideous!" So you are walking a fine line.

What I recommend: Tell her "Let me take a really close look." Have her sit down and turn on a bright light and scrutinize her face carefully for at least a full minute. Then say "Honey, I have to tell you, I think you are looking really good here." She will feel that you have made an actual appraisal and given her feedback. She may come back and say "But what about my crow's feet!!" Then you can say "Let me look again." Look at the crow's feet for another minute. Come back and say "This looks very faint to me, really not something you want to mess with." Continue to scrutinize, minimize.

THIS IS GOLD.

I have similar insecurities and I would love this-- actually, my DH does something like this and it's totally believable AND...

It has the effect of not really deterring me from a little potential Botox if I feel like it and YET... It pulls me off the ledge of feeling like A) I look hideous now and B) my husband thinks I could use a "touch up."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she work in a profession where there is strong age discrimination?

No, she is a SAHM

if she wanted money for Botox or something is that readily available to her or would she have to ask for it? If your response to her complaints (not suggesting this response) was "what are you gonna do, we're all getting older...." What is the likelihood she would respond with "if I had an extra couple hundred bucks I'd be able to something about it..."

I have no idea what botox costs, but if its a couple hundred dollars, she would know she could spend that without asking.

Thanks for all the responses.

Roughly $450-800 per area (e.g. crow's feet) each treatment (and it wears off).

[Anonymous]

I think you stick with "you're gorgeous" as much as you can. And depending on what kind of person she is, you could say something like, "everyone gets wrinkles. it's part of aging. I'm getting them too." You could also throw in a "please please PLEASE don't get a facelift like some of those Real Housewives. They look awful." If there's someone in your circle who has a bad facelife, you could talk about how you wouldn't want to be married to that. (we have a few in my circle.)

Ultimately, though, it sounds like she's probably already looking into Botox and fillers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a tough one. I don't like it when I have a bad outbreak of eczema, for example, and all my husband says is "You look great, honey, you're beautiful." It makes me feel patronized and kind of gaslighted. But I also don't want him to say "You're right, you are hideous!" So you are walking a fine line.

What I recommend: Tell her "Let me take a really close look." Have her sit down and turn on a bright light and scrutinize her face carefully for at least a full minute. Then say "Honey, I have to tell you, I think you are looking really good here." She will feel that you have made an actual appraisal and given her feedback. She may come back and say "But what about my crow's feet!!" Then you can say "Let me look again." Look at the crow's feet for another minute. Come back and say "This looks very faint to me, really not something you want to mess with." Continue to scrutinize, minimize.

Talk about high maintenance. Why are women so difficult? If I gained 20 lbs, and my wife said she was objectively less attracted to me or whatever, I wouldn't have a cow. You can't want to hear sweet lies and the truth. That's so irrational.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a tough one. I don't like it when I have a bad outbreak of eczema, for example, and all my husband says is "You look great, honey, you're beautiful." It makes me feel patronized and kind of gaslighted. But I also don't want him to say "You're right, you are hideous!" So you are walking a fine line.

What I recommend: Tell her "Let me take a really close look." Have her sit down and turn on a bright light and scrutinize her face carefully for at least a full minute. Then say "Honey, I have to tell you, I think you are looking really good here." She will feel that you have made an actual appraisal and given her feedback. She may come back and say "But what about my crow's feet!!" Then you can say "Let me look again." Look at the crow's feet for another minute. Come back and say "This looks very faint to me, really not something you want to mess with." Continue to scrutinize, minimize.

Talk about high maintenance. Why are women so difficult? If I gained 20 lbs, and my wife said she was objectively less attracted to me or whatever, I wouldn't have a cow. You can't want to hear sweet lies and the truth. That's so irrational.

Wanna bet, Toots?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a tough one. I don't like it when I have a bad outbreak of eczema, for example, and all my husband says is "You look great, honey, you're beautiful." It makes me feel patronized and kind of gaslighted. But I also don't want him to say "You're right, you are hideous!" So you are walking a fine line.

What I recommend: Tell her "Let me take a really close look." Have her sit down and turn on a bright light and scrutinize her face carefully for at least a full minute. Then say "Honey, I have to tell you, I think you are looking really good here." She will feel that you have made an actual appraisal and given her feedback. She may come back and say "But what about my crow's feet!!" Then you can say "Let me look again." Look at the crow's feet for another minute. Come back and say "This looks very faint to me, really not something you want to mess with." Continue to scrutinize, minimize.

Talk about high maintenance. Why are women so difficult? If I gained 20 lbs, and my wife said she was objectively less attracted to me or whatever, I wouldn't have a cow. You can't want to hear sweet lies and the truth. That's so irrational.

Wanna bet, Toots?

No need to bet. I've gained and lost weight many times. I was a fat kid. I don't get emotional about objective shit. Being overweight is objective. Either you're fat or you're not. I know I look better when I'm fit. I don't need to live in an alternative universe where DW claims I look better than Chris Hemsworth when I've got a spare tire. Self love is great. Self awareness is better.

[Anonymous]

I like total honesty so I'd go with #2. If DH said #1, I would feel I could trust him less, even though he's saying a white lie for me. I'm 39 and starting to feel and look old. I'm hating my older looking skin. I'd love to spend some serious $$$ on it but I'm too sensible to do that when our HHI of 180k can't comfortably support it (2 young kids).