Teens and depression/anxiety/Avoidant personality disorder

[Anonymous]

Does anyone think it is our issue as parents as to why our kids have so many mental disorders these days? Especially anxiety and depression.

Maybe if we stopped structuring our kids lives and let them go off and play after school, they might have some better social skills, street smarts, confidence, and common sense.

This generation of kids is in organized everything. School, sports, aftercare, camps, and yes even birthday parties are now structured. Maybe it is time to see the damage of too much school/homework, too many sports/activities, too much expectations of these kids but NEVER giving them the autonomy to jump on their bike and go off for a few hours. Free time. Play time. Imagination time. Social time. Mistakes time. Creative time. Relationship time (with others and even just themselves)

If they were coddled, structured, perfected, and helped all their lives, why are we so shocked in the tween/teen years when we finally give them a tiny bit of freedom to socialize without their mommy crutch and they just can't do it right.

Sorry, but I think this generation of parents are the worse. Stressed, perfectionest, obsessed, keeping up with the jones', coddling, swooping in to prevent their kids getting hurt or making mistakes. And while they are so demanding of the persona of their kids, they ironically let them skirt basic chores, responsibilities, and occasionally respect because they are "so busy" all the time.

Off my soapbox

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone think it is our issue as parents as to why our kids have so many mental disorders these days? Especially anxiety and depression.

Maybe if we stopped structuring our kids lives and let them go off and play after school, they might have some better social skills, street smarts, confidence, and common sense.

This generation of kids is in organized everything. School, sports, aftercare, camps, and yes even birthday parties are now structured. Maybe it is time to see the damage of too much school/homework, too many sports/activities, too much expectations of these kids but NEVER giving them the autonomy to jump on their bike and go off for a few hours. Free time. Play time. Imagination time. Social time. Mistakes time. Creative time. Relationship time (with others and even just themselves)

If they were coddled, structured, perfected, and helped all their lives, why are we so shocked in the tween/teen years when we finally give them a tiny bit of freedom to socialize without their mommy crutch and they just can't do it right.

Sorry, but I think this generation of parents are the worse. Stressed, perfectionest, obsessed, keeping up with the jones', coddling, swooping in to prevent their kids getting hurt or making mistakes. And while they are so demanding of the persona of their kids, they ironically let them skirt basic chores, responsibilities, and occasionally respect because they are "so busy" all the time.

Off my soapbox

I don't see myself as any of those things. We don't keep up with anyone, my kids have been pretty free range since they were young. We've opted out of all the crazy competition of schools and sports and other activities, and yet, I have two kids with crippling anxiety. And if you look back at my family history, you can see the long line of people who had it too. (And mostly medicated it in very unhealthy ways since that was all that was either available or acceptable.)

Our society is certainly more stress-inducing than it was when we were kids, but anxiety is a different thing and very often comes from genetics. And the fact that we can talk about it and diagnose it and treat it makes it seem more prevalent than in earlier generations, but hopefully we're creating a generation of people who don't turn to unhealthy, destructive ways to medicate it.

[Anonymous]

Does anyone think it is our issue as parents as to why our kids have so many mental disorders these days? Especially anxiety and depression.

I don't. Two of my brothers killed themselves (this was @30 years ago). My DH suffers from ADHD/Depression which wasn't diagnosed until after our oldest was diagnosed. When my kids show signs that their choices are based on fear and depression rather than their preferences, I know it's because of their disorders, not because of anything I have done.

I think you have a significant and alarming ignorance of mental health issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone think it is our issue as parents as to why our kids have so many mental disorders these days? Especially anxiety and depression.

Maybe if we stopped structuring our kids lives and let them go off and play after school, they might have some better social skills, street smarts, confidence, and common sense.

This generation of kids is in organized everything. School, sports, aftercare, camps, and yes even birthday parties are now structured. Maybe it is time to see the damage of too much school/homework, too many sports/activities, too much expectations of these kids but NEVER giving them the autonomy to jump on their bike and go off for a few hours. Free time. Play time. Imagination time. Social time. Mistakes time. Creative time. Relationship time (with others and even just themselves)

If they were coddled, structured, perfected, and helped all their lives, why are we so shocked in the tween/teen years when we finally give them a tiny bit of freedom to socialize without their mommy crutch and they just can't do it right.

Sorry, but I think this generation of parents are the worse. Stressed, perfectionest, obsessed, keeping up with the jones', coddling, swooping in to prevent their kids getting hurt or making mistakes. And while they are so demanding of the persona of their kids, they ironically let them skirt basic chores, responsibilities, and occasionally respect because they are "so busy" all the time.

Off my soapbox

Do you have teenagers? Stop blaming parents. If you had young children 10 years ago and lived in a place like DC, you would know that we got constant messages that all those things you blame them for were called good parenting. Your soapbox is made up of TODAY'S parenting book bestsellers. Perhaps instead, it was the professionalization of parenting in the 90s and all the incessant messages that this book or that book knew something better. Society has changed and there was an endless amount of money to be made off parents' fears and desires to parent well, so we were inundated with "how to" and "professional" crap. I'm so beyond sick of parents taking the blame for everything when I know most of them are trying so hard, they're often in tears (see thread where we meet Heroin Mom, for example). Today's parents and teenagers deal with a lot more very complicated issues than they did 30 years ago and there's far more information coming at us all the time about what we "should" be doing.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was so much like your daughter when I was 16...and truly, I wish I had had a mom like you who could pick up on this stuff and try to do something about it. I was also a good student, good at presentations, interviews, etc. But horrible at having something to say to my peers.

I'm not sure about medication - you'll have to talk to a professional and listen to your gut. But I have social anxiety and generalized anxiety and I've been able to manage it without meds. I exercise, meditate, and did a lot of CBT. Also making sure that good sleep happens.

Beyond the exercise, sleep, CBT, and meditation (things that I think all people need!), what also helped me was volunteering/working with young kids. For some reason, the social interactions were never an issue when the people were much younger than me. I tutored, was also a camp counselor. Can you try that? I also worked at a coop as a teen (Takoma Park coop - is that still around?) for 2-3 hours a week and that also helped. I think she needs sustained social interaction with people on a regular basis to get comfortable. Once it becomes easier she'll be less likely to want to stay at home all the time. For a lot of introverts, its just about getting to that place with 2-3 people before you take the plunge socially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone think it is our issue as parents as to why our kids have so many mental disorders these days? Especially anxiety and depression.

Maybe if we stopped structuring our kids lives and let them go off and play after school, they might have some better social skills, street smarts, confidence, and common sense.

This generation of kids is in organized everything. School, sports, aftercare, camps, and yes even birthday parties are now structured. Maybe it is time to see the damage of too much school/homework, too many sports/activities, too much expectations of these kids but NEVER giving them the autonomy to jump on their bike and go off for a few hours. Free time. Play time. Imagination time. Social time. Mistakes time. Creative time. Relationship time (with others and even just themselves)

If they were coddled, structured, perfected, and helped all their lives, why are we so shocked in the tween/teen years when we finally give them a tiny bit of freedom to socialize without their mommy crutch and they just can't do it right.

Sorry, but I think this generation of parents are the worse. Stressed, perfectionest, obsessed, keeping up with the jones', coddling, swooping in to prevent their kids getting hurt or making mistakes. And while they are so demanding of the persona of their kids, they ironically let them skirt basic chores, responsibilities, and occasionally respect because they are "so busy" all the time.

Off my soapbox

While I don't agree that everyone falls into this camp, I don't think this applies to OP's situation. I do agree that the way our society is heading this way does tend to make people more anxious than necessary.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have described my daughter to a T...I could have written your post. Please take signs of depression seriously, and if your DD doesn't seem to be making progress with her current therapist, consider a new one, and perhaps exposure therapy, as a PP suggested. It is so tempting to want to fix this for your daughter, but she has to do the work. I know how hard it is. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was so much like your daughter when I was 16...and truly, I wish I had had a mom like you who could pick up on this stuff and try to do something about it. I was also a good student, good at presentations, interviews, etc. But horrible at having something to say to my peers.

I'm not sure about medication - you'll have to talk to a professional and listen to your gut. But I have social anxiety and generalized anxiety and I've been able to manage it without meds. I exercise, meditate, and did a lot of CBT. Also making sure that good sleep happens.

Beyond the exercise, sleep, CBT, and meditation (things that I think all people need!), what also helped me was volunteering/working with young kids. For some reason, the social interactions were never an issue when the people were much younger than me. I tutored, was also a camp counselor. Can you try that? I also worked at a coop as a teen (Takoma Park coop - is that still around?) for 2-3 hours a week and that also helped. I think she needs sustained social interaction with people on a regular basis to get comfortable. Once it becomes easier she'll be less likely to want to stay at home all the time. For a lot of introverts, its just about getting to that place with 2-3 people before you take the plunge socially.

Me, too. I'm a PP who said I was like OP's daughter in several ways.

I had my first major depressive episode at 11 and second at 16. My grades suffered tremendously. I was just told to suck it up. Nobody knew about depression, and that's one reason why it's more prevalent today among teens. More people know what it is and more people are willing to address it.

According to other mental health experts I work with (I'm not, though), a lot of depression issues in teens is from an inability to focus on internal validation (self-esteem) vs. external (approval of peers), and social media is HORRIBLE for them. Instant feedback (which is both good and bad feedback), and a growing dependency on it, is bad for their mental health. Kids need to learn how to like themselves from within, not depend on their friends' and other peers' opinions so much. Not saying this applies to OP's daughter. Just that the people I know who deal with mentally ill teens say this is a big driver of problems.

[Anonymous]

My son has social anxiety and depression. He is now 20 but it started in high school. He did a lot of self help including exposure therapy and it helped a bit. A nutritious , sugar free, low carb diet makes a difference with him. Meditation has helped too. We both did genetic testing ($200 on 23 and me) and we both had the COMT mutation, which can make you more susceptible to anxiety and depression. I'm not sure what can be done about it, but we are going to a doctor who can suggest the right diet and supplements based on these genetic markers. Also, psychiatrists can look at other genetic data and tell you which medication will work best. Many mainstream psychiatrists can do this so it would be helpful to find one who does this test. Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

I was very much like your teen. In addition to the suggestions for a good therapist and another try at medication, I suggest helping her plan social interactions of the kind she is more comfortable with.

Think smaller (avoid groups) and more structured activities - have a friend over to play BB in the driveway and walk to get ice cream, versus going to a BBgame. (The thought of a huge group of friends at a chaotic basketball game, ugh! still stresses me out!) Invite a friend to see a movie together, or some common interest. These kind of social situations may actually be enjoyable for her because they are not so unpredictable.

I also second the idea of her spending time with young kids or seniors, if it appeals to her. Double benefit because she wants to make the world a better place, so volunteering to read to kids or seniors, teach a craft to kids or seniors . . .

Again, just "hanging out" is too open-ended; make it a project or have some kind of plan and I always felt better. From there, confidence will build with repetition!

Good luck to you and your daughter. She sounds like a wonderful person!

[Anonymous]

OP,

How about instead of a job, let her volunteer with young kids. My 14yr old DD with mild anxiety/depression did this the past summer and if was life changing. She felt needed. Kids look up to her, she met other friends there, the adults appreciated her and it was fun to goof off and be a kid again.

[Anonymous]

She needs meds for anxiety. An anti- depressant is not enough. Go to a shrink to get help with the meds. The right meds will make a difference.

[Anonymous]

Stop with the medication already unless it’s something serious like schizotypal! It messes up their brains and you’re numbing them out, just let them deal with their feelings. They’ll grow out of it eventually. I was a teen and had these feelings and they went away. In college, I even had some suicide ideation, which btw I blame on medication, birth control ones. I still have moments of feeling lost and I’m middle age now, I shout at myself ‘just snap out of it, silly girl’.
Ask her how would she like to spend her time, she doesn’t have to fit some ‘role model’ and listen to idiotic influencers. Ask her if she had her own daughter what advice would she give her. Don’t pressure her, let her be, and to hell with peer pressure. There’s no ideal, everyone is an original.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Stop with the medication already unless it’s something serious like schizotypal! It messes up their brains and you’re numbing them out, just let them deal with their feelings. They’ll grow out of it eventually. I was a teen and had these feelings and they went away. In college, I even had some suicide ideation, which btw I blame on medication, birth control ones. I still have moments of feeling lost and I’m middle age now, I shout at myself ‘just snap out of it, silly girl’.
Ask her how would she like to spend her time, she doesn’t have to fit some ‘role model’ and listen to idiotic influencers. Ask her if she had her own daughter what advice would she give her. Don’t pressure her, let her be, and to hell with peer pressure. There’s no ideal, everyone is an original.

You realize this thread is from 2016, right?

[Anonymous]

I was/ am like this—you hit the nail on the head with the part about “structured” interactions.

It might help her to take on some kind of authority position, i.e. supervising little kids. A very low-judgment peer group would be ideal—maybe church/synagogue youth group or Girl Scouts.