Responses to rude pregnancy comments?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people are unknowingly rude, but most people mean well. I think you ladies are being too sensitive. What's so offensive about saying you look like you're going to pop? People just want to say SOMETHING to acknowledge your giant belly.

I agree. Good god! My first was 9lbs9oz and I was huge and knew it. People told me all the time, I was just as amazed as them. This time, I'm showing much earlier, so I guess I'll be big again. I never thought to be offended. I think some of these posters just might be wound a little too tightly. Pregnant women are big.

OP and others-
Will you be offended after you have the baby and people start telling you how great you look and how amazing it is that you even had a baby? How will you handle that? With grace (doubtful) or will you post here asking for a snappy and witty response (likely)?

It's really not so hard to understand - some people don't enjoy their size becoming the topic of conversation. Yes, we're know we're big (or in the PP's case, smaller than average), we don't need to discuss it. Especially with strangers!

At my last job, pregnant with #1, at one point I was literally in the middle of four middle-aged women co-workers, looking me up and down and discussing my appearance, where I'd gotten big and where I hadn't. I didn't just stand there stewing, but I can't say as I loved the attention, either. "I know, she didn't get big until just recently." "Your ankles didn't swell too badly, that's good."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 32 weeks and obviously seem small to people. I routinely have people ask me how far along I am, and then when I say that I'm 32 weeks (or translate it into months for them) and so far, I have gotten the following:

Are you sure you're that far along? I bet you miscalculated your due date.
You are too small, you must not be eating enough for the baby.
Aren't you afraid you're going to have a low birth weight baby?
You are carrying the baby so low and you seem so small - you're not going to make it to 40 weeks.

and my personal favorite:

You women diet during pregnancy now and this is wrong. Very dangerous for baby. Selfish to be so thin during pregnancy, you are supposed to put on weight. Eat more.

The first few got a smile (through gritted teeth) and "I'm not concerned and neither is my doctor."
The next few got "It is impolite to make a comment like that and my doctor says my baby is very healthy."

As for the last one, I won't repeat my reply.

I'm 32 weeks, and I've gained about 21 lbs. My doctor says that I'm in great shape, baby is measuring perfectly, and that yes, I'm carrying low but I have a long torso. I'm tall and have always been thin. I eat plenty, have a healthy diet, and don't go out of my way to work out, but do a lot of walking. Trust me, I have ice cream a few times a week as a treat -- I'm not starving myself! It's so upsetting how many people say these stinging remarks that intimate I'm trying to starve myself at the risk of the baby to stay thin. It's just not true at all and it really upsets me. As much as I try to dismiss the comments, they get into my head and make me worry that the baby won't weigh enough.

So anyway, I encourage anyone who feels these comments are rude to say so. As others say, people often don't realize they're being rude, but the fact is, they are. So they should be told the question is not appropriate.

Your comment makes me feel so much better. I'm just 5 ft. tall and fairly short waisted, so I am extremely big! I'm 37 wks and have gained 25 lbs and my doctor has been very pleased w/ my weight gain and baby's measurements, but b/c I"m so short I just look really big and people have been very quick too comment on it: that I've gained too much weight, that my body doesn't "handle" pregnancy well, etc...It's been tough to hear the unjustified criticism and I've always been jealous of very tall women who have more "elegant" pregnancies. But from the experience you've shared it sounds like we're all in the same boat! People who normally censor their comments feel free to say whatever is on their mind to a pregnant woman!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd make some dry comment like 'oh I'm not pregnant, why do you ask?' and just stare them down. Make them feel REAAALLL uncomfortable

I've done this as well. Very amusing.

Also, my responses tended to correlate to how I was feeling. I was generally able to give a "wow!?" look or ignore altogether. But, the bigger I got and less I slept, the shorter my temperment got. One day I had no less than three men comment on my lunch between my desk, cafeteria and back. By the time I got back, I was apoplectic and when the FOURTH man commented I basically told him to shove it up his A$$ and not concern himself with what I was eating. All this as my secretary watched with a mixture of humor and horror.

It's a fact that pregnancy just makes people stupid. I try to just remind myself that people get excited by babies. But sometimes (see above) it is hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 32 weeks and obviously seem small to people. I routinely have people ask me how far along I am, and then when I say that I'm 32 weeks (or translate it into months for them) and so far, I have gotten the following:

Are you sure you're that far along? I bet you miscalculated your due date.
You are too small, you must not be eating enough for the baby.
Aren't you afraid you're going to have a low birth weight baby?
You are carrying the baby so low and you seem so small - you're not going to make it to 40 weeks.

and my personal favorite:

You women diet during pregnancy now and this is wrong. Very dangerous for baby. Selfish to be so thin during pregnancy, you are supposed to put on weight. Eat more.

The first few got a smile (through gritted teeth) and "I'm not concerned and neither is my doctor."
The next few got "It is impolite to make a comment like that and my doctor says my baby is very healthy."

As for the last one, I won't repeat my reply.

I'm 32 weeks, and I've gained about 21 lbs. My doctor says that I'm in great shape, baby is measuring perfectly, and that yes, I'm carrying low but I have a long torso. I'm tall and have always been thin. I eat plenty, have a healthy diet, and don't go out of my way to work out, but do a lot of walking. Trust me, I have ice cream a few times a week as a treat -- I'm not starving myself! It's so upsetting how many people say these stinging remarks that intimate I'm trying to starve myself at the risk of the baby to stay thin. It's just not true at all and it really upsets me. As much as I try to dismiss the comments, they get into my head and make me worry that the baby won't weigh enough.

So anyway, I encourage anyone who feels these comments are rude to say so. As others say, people often don't realize they're being rude, but the fact is, they are. So they should be told the question is not appropriate.

Your comment makes me feel so much better. I'm just 5 ft. tall and fairly short waisted, so I am extremely big! I'm 37 wks and have gained 25 lbs and my doctor has been very pleased w/ my weight gain and baby's measurements, but b/c I"m so short I just look really big and people have been very quick too comment on it: that I've gained too much weight, that my body doesn't "handle" pregnancy well, etc...It's been tough to hear the unjustified criticism and I've always been jealous of very tall women who have more "elegant" pregnancies. But from the experience you've shared it sounds like we're all in the same boat! People who normally censor their comments feel free to say whatever is on their mind to a pregnant woman!

This is elegant pregnant here (I LOVE THAT! Oh, if only it were true...). If you are at 37 months and have only gained 25 lbs, you're doing really well, not that weight is even that big of a deal to begin with. Anyway, though, that amount of weight will come off quickly, even if it looks like a lot on such a petite frame.

What struck me about your message is that, similar to with what's happening to me, people aren't just saying "oh wow you're big (or small)" but saying things that make you feel like you're not "good" at being pregnant or are a bad mother already. Either subtle, like what happened to you: "looks like your body is not handling the pregnancy well." or blatant, like what happened to me (it is selfish to gain such little weight).

If people were just commenting on my looks, I might not get uptight about it. But there's something about it that seems to say that pregnancy is open season on commenting on a woman's size, which is impolite, or worse, sort of casting doubt on her mommy powers. Yes, maybe that's a stretch to say if someone just says you look like you're ready to pop -- that's just probably someone being insensitive or even thinking they're relating to you. But there's a fine line between that and people who intend to be jerky or are just really callous.

OP, I like your vent and I'm not sure what's up with the poster who didn't get it. Personally, when people say I look great after having a kid, I'll take it as a compliment, which is what it would be. As opposed to an insult, which "looks like you're not handling pregnancy well" or "you're too skinny" sound like to me!!!

[Anonymous]

I also get comments about being big. It didn't bother me much before, but I was just diagnosed with gestational diabetes, and now they really get to me (since a big baby could be one of the results and I'm already sensitive about it). I really wish people would mind their own business! I don't know what possesses some people. I guess they're the same ones who ask single women why they haven't found someone yet and start hounding married couples about having kids.

[Anonymous]

I really think people don't realize how it sounds when they make comments like this (at least on how big you are - the stuff about harming your baby crosses a different line IMO). These drove me crazy when I was pregnant with #1 - about how I was never going to make it, I was going to come early, baby must be huge, etc etc etc (baby came a week late and was 8 lbs.....). But then there I was, six months post-partum, chatting up a new work colleague, and out of my mouth came a similar comment (I believe I used the dreaded "about to pop" phrase). I realized it a few minutes later and was horrified. It just came out, and I didn't think twice about it at the time. So now that I'm looking even more enormous with #2, I try to remind myself of that moment when I get the comments now. It also helps to respond with humor - sometimes I will look down at my belly with mock surprise and say "I'm pregnant?! Someone better tell my husband!" or something similar - it makes it all into a game.

[Anonymous]

I still remember when my first close friend got pregnant, saying "You're huge!" at about 38 weeks... She didn't have a snappy comeback but I have felt guilty about it for three years. People sometimes don't think about what they say, although I agree it's annoying to have your body analyzed and pregnancy "skills" open to criticism. I'm at 27 weeks and all I've gotten so far are a lot of comments about not looking pregnant (probably because my giant boobs stick out so much more than my belly) and one co-worker who got on my case about my morning coffee.

I'll just try to remember the time I was rude (and the countless times I probably was without realizing it) when this starts happening more to me.

[Anonymous]

I also got the "you look so tiny" comments and was often hurt by the implications that went with them. I completely sympathize with all of the posters who don't like being analyzed, but people obviously think they have a license to do that to any and all pregnant women!

[Anonymous]

My sister appointed herself my personal size monitor. Every time I saw her, she'd give me a detailed account of how much she thought I've changed in size since the last time (and I saw her about 2X per week).

With her, I just bluntly thanked her for the updates and told her that I appreciated her comments so much that I have promised myself I am going to return the favor when she gets pregnant. That shut her up.

With strangers, I usually just ignored, but in a few very egregious circumstances I just said "You know, it is rude to comment on a woman's size, and it is doubly rude to comment on a pregnant woman's size." Worked every time.

[Anonymous]

I don't have advice about what to say. I, too, hated the dumb comments. Even my closest friend said the "you're huge" comment to me like a PP had said. I think that some people don't think about what they are saying.

Just consider yourself lucky, though, if no one has touched your belly. I HATED that. My aunt didn't touch my belly, but actually really quickly bent over and kissed my belly.

[Anonymous]

Hi, I think the thread's comments and insights are very helpful for all of us, whether strangers think we've gained too much or too little, and I'm sure I am not the only one who's heard 180 degree comments on the same day. I do try to ignore and/or grit my teeth, and even if I don't say something out loud, in my head have said:
"I turn to my doctor for medical advice."
"For me, stress is the worst thing, you realize you're adding to my stress, right?"
"Haven't seen you at the gym, want to go with me today?"
"These comments are great prep for me b/c as a mom, I decide what's best."
"My doctor is paid to give this sort of advice to me."
"My doctor's a runner and is very encouraging to me to exercise; she's happy with my weight."
"Times really have changed since you were pregnant, haven't they?"

[Anonymous]

Uch -- so annoying. I'm also at 6 mos and have had several people comment that I "don't look pregnant at all," which a) can't possibly be true as nobody gains weight in the form of a basketball-shaped object on the belly alone, and b) why should my appearance be evaluated by you...ever? I acknowledge that those people mean it as a compliment -- though why they feel entitled to judge big preggos, as in "you're so lucky you're not a big, fat cow," obviously speaks to deeper social norms. (What if I was? Not really your problem, is it?)

Like one of the PP's, I think it's also due to having huge boobs, which the belly can't seem to outpace, unforch. When I was complaining to DH about how nobody offers me a seat on the Metro, he suggested that they might be afraid to offend me, in case I was just fat. It's a valid point, I suppose, and I assume that most people mean well.

One guy at the gym actually requested that I come in after I deliver so he could tell me what parts I "needed to work on." He got a serious dressing-down, and I even called his wife over to rat him out, so I'm hoping she took up my case at home. Unacceptable. Just yesterday, I decided to try a new gym class (holiday schedule), and a woman there asked me when I had given birth, assuming that my belly was post-partum, and I was there to shed the baby weight. I explained that I had never given birth but expected to do so in September...honestly, she was more embarrassed than I was. And on Saturday, a guy offering beer samples at Whole Foods asked me if I wanted one. When I told him that would be bad for my baby, he also got embarrassed, but there was no need for me to be snarky. Most people really do have good intentions...they're just coupled with big mouths or faulty filters.

The one exception: people who "know" that it's a boy/girl because part X is Y. Seriously? You're going to acknowledge my wide rear end aloud? Or worse, tell me that it's a girl because girls "steal your beauty"?? (I'm getting mostly boy votes, but that doesn't make it OK for others.)

[Anonymous]

I guess I'm just a snarky cranky jerk, because all of these responses seem really quite OK and polite to me. Yes, most folks mean well, and people do just get excited about babies.

...But some folks are judgemental and stupid and mean. These folks got no mercy from me when I was pregnant.

"Thank you, Dr. Subway Drunk. Now piss off."

"Holy shit! (looking down at my belly) How did this happen?"

(in respose to a macho male colleague who hooted "Hoooo-weee!! You're gonna be BEGGING for drugs!") "I'd like to see you try it, creampuff."

(In response to "Are you married?" "Gee you look young," etc. I was 28, people...a young looking 28, but still...) "Fuck you."