Parents Who Give the Silent Treatment

[Anonymous]

You can't reason with her op because she is mentally ill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she is trying hard to not say something regrettable. I often resort to not talking if I'm angry but mulling over what I should or shouldn't be commenting on. I have a habit of saying something more harshly than I intend. When given a counter opinion I sometimes think on it for a while especially if I am having a hard time seeing that other pint of view. I've gotten to the point where I tell my husband that my silence is not aimed at him but necessary in order to back off my position. With my DD I only occasionally do this when I feel I have overstepped my boundaries. If I treat her like a child that I expect to obey my commands but then I stop and think wtf she's 20 and should make her own mistakes even if they are on my dime. Sure it's not pleasant to be on the receiving end but it's not always this evil tool to manipulate you.

OP here-I get that sometimes people need some space to think and might not be able to talk right away. In this case, it's been almost six months. And, I'm not in any way on my mother's dime.

OP, my mother has been using the silent treatment all her life, mainly to control my father, but sometimes she uses it with my and my siblings too. She is not as bad as yours, but she definitely behaves like that if you cross her. If she wants something and you do not share her opinion, but show her that she is wrong then she does not admit that you are right, she gets super mad and stop talking to you. My father is terrified to say no, because he knows what follows. As a child I saw silent treatments go on for weeks, with my father at the end go on his knees and beg to be forgiven, even if he had done nothing wrong. When she was mad at us, my father would come to us and ask to apologize or anyway make peace for his sake. My mom is not mean but she grew up in an abusive situation and was taught that she had no voice, so she learned to get what she wants through manipulation. When people get upset at her for her silent treatment , she then turn to the "I am desperate I am going to kill myself" play and again people apologize. This has been extremely hard on my dad, after decades of this treatment, he tip toes around her all the time as if he is walking on egg shell and when things go bad he apologizes profusely even if frankly he should not have or if both should have apologized. he is now extremely depressed. My siblings and I are tired of it and while we try not to set her off, we do not take the BS anymore.

What your mother is doing is not a minor thing, is profound emotional abuse. By giving or withdrawing her affection (talking to you or pretending you do not exist to your face) she is manipulating you and forcing you to do whatever she wants. This behavior is especially bad with a child, who cannot defend herself against this type of abuse from a parent, because it just kills the child's self esteem. Your father should have protected you, and stood up to your mother for you. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to change your mother, you just need to accept that this is who she is. You need to learn how to deal with her so you do not get hurt. The silent treatment works if you react to it like you mother wants, feeling bad, thinking you did something wrong, apologizing and so on. Maybe talking to a therapist may help you find how to deal with her, and how to heal. Good luck

[Anonymous]

She's mentally ill.

[Anonymous]

Yes, to PP and OP and anyone else with a mother with a personality disorder, please look into getting therapy for yourself. You will not change her. You have been damaged by having grown up with this disordered behavior, but as an adult, you can learn to lay down powerful boundaries, so when she gets upset at whoever for whatever, you can mean it when you say her being upset is her problem, not yours, and if she chooses to behave as she does, that's also up to her and not your problem.

[Anonymous]

Call her on it every single time. If she stops talking to you, tell her that your conversation will be finished if she does not resume talking to you in the next minute. Hang up the phone or leave the room. Let her be the one to establish the next contact. If she continues to ignore you in your home, have your father or someone else take her home.

[Anonymous]

Tell her she's being immature and if she wants to discuss things with you if something is bothering her, you are very willing and available. Then try to ignore it if you can n

[Anonymous]

This is emotional abuse. Therapy, stat.

[Anonymous]

Why is she showing up at your kids activities if she isn't speaking to you? I would tell her that you won't allow your kids to witness such bizarre behavior from their grandmother. She has more to lose than you do. Don't tell her when your kids' activities are occurring. Tell your father that he is welcome to attend but she is not until she acts like an adult. It us NOT fair to your husband and kids. If she shows up anywhere you are because your father told her, get up and move seats if she sits down next to you. She has way more to lies than you do. Your DH and kids deserve better.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you continuously reach out to her, reply to her emails, and even have her over to your house while she's refusing to speak to you and acknowledge your presence. Outrageous! Stop allowing it. If my mom was not speaking to me, she would not be in my house - and if my MIL was not speaking to my husband, I would also not allow her over either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you continuously reach out to her, reply to her emails, and even have her over to your house while she's refusing to speak to you and acknowledge your presence. Outrageous! Stop allowing it. If my mom was not speaking to me, she would not be in my house - and if my MIL was not speaking to my husband, I would also not allow her over either.

+1

I don't understand how all these meetings are happening between you and your mother if she's not speaking to you. Start communicating with your father and invite him to whatever and tell him that she's not welcome unless she stops acting like a twat.

[Anonymous]

I understand completely OP; my mom did this to a certain extent, but her sister is a pro with the silent treatment--and uses it to punish those who don't do things her way. I have no idea how to deal with it, just want to express some sympathy while I read the replies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry this is happening.

Some context would really help us here. Is this a long-standing pattern she's used all her life with you? Or is it a recent tactic? If it's long-term, you might need to see a therapist to help sort through a lifetime of this kind of treatment (which some do see as a type of emotional abuse at some levels; it can be pretty cruel).

But if it's a new thing, is there some chance that she, herself, is changing -- maybe starting signs of dementia? (Unreasonable anger, if that's part of this, can be one possible flag of a mental health change in older people).

But all that's conjecture unless we know a bit more about the context of her and whether this is new or old; specific to one problem between you, or something she does over many things; or a tactic she's using to get her way because you've given in to it in other cases....And so on.

Thanks! It's such an ongoing thing, I was afraid I wouldn't know where to start or stop!

This is a long-standing pattern, since I was a kid (I'm 45 tomorrow). I'm an only child and she was a SAHM, so I was alone with her when she would "turn" on me. She generally has to have someone to be mad at, so she takes turns giving my father, my grandfather, me, etc. the silent treatment, without any provocation. In this latest case, DH, my three sons, and I were on a two week vacation with my parents (we all stay in the same condo) in August when halfway through, she got mad and stopped talking to me. From the spring until August, she wasn't talking to my father (as in, she'd call me to ask if I knew if my father's plans, etc. when he was sitting in the next room from her). Then, on vacation, she was watching "RHONY" and I said that I didn't like Bethenny Frankel and she got mad about that. I didn't ask her to turn it off and I certainly wasn't criticizing her for watching the show and even if I were, the silent treatment seems like a ridiculous response. She hasn't talked to me since then, except for once when we both at my son's basketball game and she asked us to Christmas. Before that, she sent me an email right before Thanksgiving asking us to Thanksgiving dinner and I replied that we'd already made plans with my ILs, but that I loved and missed her and hoped that we could talk about what happened. I also asked that she refrain from giving the silent treatment in the future. She never replied to that email. In September, she was at my home for my son's 12th birthday and she acted like I was invisible.

My father has an unspoken expectation that I will just start talking to my mother just as I always have to smooth things over so she'll come around, but I just am not willing to do that anymore. I'm also really disappointed that my father never put a stop to this when I a little kid and had to be with her alone with her acting like I didn't exist. I don't want to be mad about it, but I am just not willing to subject myself to it. Not to mention that it makes my DH and sons uncomfortable. I've been a good daughter; not perfect, of course, but good. I was the first to graduate from college in my family, DH and I are raising good kids (so far), we are self-sufficient, etc., etc. My mother's behavior, which I see as bullying, has contributed to me feeling like I'm "off balance" most of the time, expecting people not to like or care for me. I've decided that I don't want to feel that way anymore and that I don't have to, but then I don't know how to reconcile my mother and my expectation that I be treated like a worthwhile human being.

Why was she at your home then? If she doesn't speak to you, then she doesn't come over.

Tell your dad to man up and deal with his own wife. Seriously, he needs someone to just tell him the truth at this point. And call out your mom as well for her immaturity.

And to be quite frank, your parents sucked at parenting and your relationship with them is crappy. Why try and hold on so tight and make it something it isn't?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound exhausted and exhausting. Maybe your life and your mother's life are too intertwined. You are too old to be concerned that your mother won't talk to you. Live your life and let her live hers. Just don't put so much thought into what she is doing or expecting. If she ever comes around then set limits. Tell her she can only call on Sunday or something similar. Why are you in a condo with your parents? Why are you watching tv? Make contact rare and
meaningful and you both will have a better time.

She does not sound too intertwined!! Any normal, emotionally healthy adult would not like being given the silent treatment by a parent. And if this has happened since childhood it would most certainly leave emotional scars.
Ignore this poster OP1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry this is happening.

Some context would really help us here. Is this a long-standing pattern she's used all her life with you? Or is it a recent tactic? If it's long-term, you might need to see a therapist to help sort through a lifetime of this kind of treatment (which some do see as a type of emotional abuse at some levels; it can be pretty cruel).

But if it's a new thing, is there some chance that she, herself, is changing -- maybe starting signs of dementia? (Unreasonable anger, if that's part of this, can be one possible flag of a mental health change in older people).

But all that's conjecture unless we know a bit more about the context of her and whether this is new or old; specific to one problem between you, or something she does over many things; or a tactic she's using to get her way because you've given in to it in other cases....And so on.

Thanks! It's such an ongoing thing, I was afraid I wouldn't know where to start or stop!

This is a long-standing pattern, since I was a kid (I'm 45 tomorrow). I'm an only child and she was a SAHM, so I was alone with her when she would "turn" on me. She generally has to have someone to be mad at, so she takes turns giving my father, my grandfather, me, etc. the silent treatment, without any provocation. In this latest case, DH, my three sons, and I were on a two week vacation with my parents (we all stay in the same condo) in August when halfway through, she got mad and stopped talking to me. From the spring until August, she wasn't talking to my father (as in, she'd call me to ask if I knew if my father's plans, etc. when he was sitting in the next room from her). Then, on vacation, she was watching "RHONY" and I said that I didn't like Bethenny Frankel and she got mad about that. I didn't ask her to turn it off and I certainly wasn't criticizing her for watching the show and even if I were, the silent treatment seems like a ridiculous response. She hasn't talked to me since then, except for once when we both at my son's basketball game and she asked us to Christmas. Before that, she sent me an email right before Thanksgiving asking us to Thanksgiving dinner and I replied that we'd already made plans with my ILs, but that I loved and missed her and hoped that we could talk about what happened. I also asked that she refrain from giving the silent treatment in the future. She never replied to that email. In September, she was at my home for my son's 12th birthday and she acted like I was invisible.

My father has an unspoken expectation that I will just start talking to my mother just as I always have to smooth things over so she'll come around, but I just am not willing to do that anymore. I'm also really disappointed that my father never put a stop to this when I a little kid and had to be with her alone with her acting like I didn't exist. I don't want to be mad about it, but I am just not willing to subject myself to it. Not to mention that it makes my DH and sons uncomfortable. I've been a good daughter; not perfect, of course, but good. I was the first to graduate from college in my family, DH and I are raising good kids (so far), we are self-sufficient, etc., etc. My mother's behavior, which I see as bullying, has contributed to me feeling like I'm "off balance" most of the time, expecting people not to like or care for me. I've decided that I don't want to feel that way anymore and that I don't have to, but then I don't know how to reconcile my mother and my expectation that I be treated like a worthwhile human being.

Why was she at your home then? If she doesn't speak to you, then she doesn't come over.

Tell your dad to man up and deal with his own wife. Seriously, he needs someone to just tell him the truth at this point. And call out your mom as well for her immaturity.

And to be quite frank, your parents sucked at parenting and your relationship with them is crappy. Why try and hold on so tight and make it something it isn't?

OP here-Life isn't just that black and white. While my parents did/do some crappy things, they also did/do some really great things. My mother was at my home because it was my son's birthday and the family was celebrating. My kids are close to my parents, who have been really great grandparents.

[Anonymous]

I have ZERO tolerance for that.
This might sound racist, but it seems to be a white thing. My AA family rarely pulls that one.
But my inlaws are white and it drives me NUTS. I completely ignore the ones who do it...forever.
If you don't have the balls to confront a thing head on, then get out of my life.