Work travel with someone you hate

[Anonymous]

You seem obsessed with her. I get it she's annoying. Don't answer questions. Bring headphones and books. If she gets to be too much disengage tell her you have a headache and don't want to talk personal. End it

[Anonymous]

In my line of work, I'd just tell her "you don't have the need-to-know"...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a male boss like this, who constantly accused me of being "secretive" because I didn't want to share intimate details of my personal, family and dating life. At the time, I was single, childless and committed to staying that way. Now -- 20 years later -- I'm a married SAHM, but I totally get that a trip with your coworker is a trip to hell.

Stay strong and use the time before the trip as an opportunity to give yourself a little space. Remember, business trips are for building your business and your professional contacts. If you go with an itinerary full of lunch and dinner meetings on the corporate expensive account to promote your business, you can keep conversations strictly about the goals of your trip.

1. Don't share a room with her. For example, pay a premium out of pocket if necessary for a higher floor. It'll help you get a good night's sleep and give you a retreat to focus on yourself.
2. Don't share a plane seat. Book a seat towards the aisle or by the window so you can enjoy the flight.
3. Take your iPad and get some work done. Tell her your prepping for the trip as a defense.
4. Book some lunch, break and dinner meetings to do business on the trip and make contacts, maximizing your effectiveness and giving you an easy out from her issues.

5. Change the subject whenever she brings up personal stuff. Turn the topic back to the trip and its agenda. If necessary, print out a schedule and keep it on hand just for such occasions to get her back on topic. The topic is the trip, not your private life.

6. If all else fails and she can't take a hint, tell her directly, "look, Ms. X, I'm single, childless, career oriented and planning to stay that way. I don't want to talk about my personal life. I want to focus on getting the job done. That means going to meetings and planning to get as much out of them as possible. This is our chance to shine. Let's get back to work."

None of this may work, but at least you will have tried.

Who knows? Maybe this woman is desperately unhappy and wants to deflect her negativity back to you. Maybe she wants you to ask her about her own (probably needlessly drama-filled) life. If so, don't be tempted to ask her a bunch of personal questions and get pulled down into the emotional mire of her midlife crisis. Back off and focus on work.

Sounds like a long, arduous journey. Good luck!

OP here - it's not a business development or marketing type of trip where you are making contacts and extending your network. We're lawyers - prepping for a case in Kansas; no ties to Kansas whatsoever and there is no one for me to meet with or network with aside from the law firm we'll be with. I do intend to keep answers short and about work - which she hates. She is desparetely unhappy and very comparative (mostly about money about also about relationships, weight etc.). I have never gone down that quagmire like my colleauges have with her and I don't want to start now bc once she thinks she can get answers from you on this stuff, there is no stopping it. She has told people in the office that she thinks her husband isn't the one; she stressed about paying for private school for 2 kids etc.; so I think she makes herself feel better with "at least I have a DH and kids and can pay for private school, these poor young attys have 200k in student debt and still have to rent an apartment" (not true but it's how she acts). I mean that's nice -- we all have our problems -- but I simply DO NOT CARE.

Other thing is she talks so DAMN MUCH. I'm a fairly quiet person -- I see nothing wrong with the sound of silence. She needs to continuously fill that silence which makes me want to scream.

I'm not flying out with her -- she's miffed about that. And of course we're not sharing a room -- I didn't even realize there were employers that did that - ew.

Headphones. Bring your ipod and headphones and tell her you need to catch up on some podcasts / listen to a deposition in case the nuance is different from reading the transcript / do an audio CLE / zone out.

And do not give her your personal info. Even if it means being rude.

[Anonymous]

You are getting ready for trial, so use the long hours to review materials, etc. and definitely use headphones. Tell her you are eating in your room a few nights, if she asks or that you want to go for a walk to clear your head at lunch time. Go for morning runs, book at least one spa appointment if time allows. I've done this for years when I've readied for trial. Do you have your own rental car or can you book one? Go to a late night movie or whatever to keep out of sphere.

[Anonymous]

Just do your own thing. You have no obligation to hang out with her every waking moment. Tell her you have a lot of work to do in the evenings. Eat meals alone. Lunch would probably be the most difficult meal to get out of since you'll probably be together, but when it comes up just tell her that you aren't hungry and that she should go grab something alone. Or tell her that you have some calls to make and will be grabbing lunch on your own. If you want to work out, go for a run outside or find a nearby gym, yoga studio, whatever, to check out so that you don't have deal with her in the hotel gym. As PP noted, bring headphones and use them as much as possible when she's around. Just continue to ignore or deflect her personal questions and steer the conversation, if you have to have one, back to work.

I'm also an attorney and I travel a lot with colleagues. It's perfectly fine to split up. I tend to hole up in my hotel room in the evenings just to get some peace and quiet and catch up on other work, and no one questions it.

[Anonymous]

Do your own thing and just tell her you're a private/shy person. I once had a colleague that was like that and wanted to spend every moment together when traveling, like sitting next to each other on the plane. I said I was a nervous flyer and needed to sit alone.

[Anonymous]

I'd tell her the question is too personal and you're not comfortable discussing that.

Alternatively, answer as obnoxiously as possible. Tell her you have a huge trust fund, can eat whatever you want without gaining a pound, etc.

But the first approach is obviously more mature.

[Anonymous]

I honestly don't think you have to go out of your way to be nice to questions like THOSE. I mean if your coworkers want to be pestered into answering, good for them. I mean I wouldn't just say "eff off" if people at your firm don't talk like that -- though at my NYC firm that would've been fine. But if it's your personality to say "seriously" and give a blank look or roll your eyes or sarcastically mention a trust fund or something, I'd go with it. You don't need to make yourself miserable to make her happy or make her like you -- she isn't your boss or superior.

[Anonymous]

So, here's the thing: you're going to need to get comfortable ticking her off. There's no way she's going to let you off the hook if you:

Sit away from her on plane
Stay in a room on a different floor
Skip out on meals with her
Wear headphones to avoid talking with her

She clearly has no boundaries and she also has a huge sense of entitlement. So, prepare yourself now for the moment she calls you out. She's not going to take the hint when you do all of the stuff above. A normal person would take the hint but she likely won't. Instead, she'll make a federal case out of it so get your responses ready and steel yourself to be an adult and let her know her behavior is not appropriate or welcomed.

I get that it's hard to stand up to people, especially someone you work with but you need to just do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You seem obsessed with her. I get it she's annoying. Don't answer questions. Bring headphones and books. If she gets to be too much disengage tell her you have a headache and don't want to talk personal. End it

+1. You sound a bit unhinged yourself, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Why do you ask?" is often a good response.

In your shoes I'd be spending a lot of time at the hotel gym.

OP here - no dice on the gym. She is weight OBSESSED so she lives in the gym. So basically I should spend time at the bar or restaurant stuffing my face bc she wouldn't do that. So in addition to financial questions it's a whole line of -- how much do you weight; have you always weighed that; how much were you at in college; do you always eat like that?? She's perfectly normal weight but obsesses about staying at her exact # so she watches like a hawk if you throw sugar in your coffee or eat a 200 calorie something and then makes a comment on it. It will be awesome.

I'd totally use this as an opportunity to gorge myself.

[Anonymous]

I agree with pp to say that you're a private person or an introvert that takes time to recharge. "Why do you ask?" Seems like the perfect response.

But otherwise, I think you should keep an open mind. People are sometimes different on travel. And you really should try to clear your mind of all those negative thoughts, particularly the word bitch. If you go into conversations with her with that as your mantra, you're bound to be miserable. Try repeating something like "kind thoughts" in your head.Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I love people like this.

I make up crazy yarns and just enjoy watching them try to figure out if I'm full of shit or telling the truth.

I've gone with:

I run a porn website it makes $20K a month but I mostly just fund my 529 with it
I don't need a savings account, I have trust fund
I am part American Indian, I actually get $14,000 a month in reparations (this one is fun cause I'm clearly a white European).
I don't worry about my weight because I'm not shallow, and people who do are. Why, do you worry?
The great grandson of Keizer Wilhelm and I went to school together, he has the nicest private jet and yacht I've ever seen
Etc

You gotta run with it. Trust me, it gets sooooo fun when you can run with a story for 2 or 3 hours about how you used to live in Thailand where you mostly helped smuggle fake antiques, but you got tired of that so moved to Nepal for a year to find yourself, etc.