Any deaf people here?

[Anonymous]

His way of communicating is by texting and signing. You will have to find a balance. Even if he talks, he cannot hear you. He may be concerned his speech is not great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give him time. And start when you are alone together. Not in public. This would be like expecting you to speak Chinese in public in front of native speakers. Possibly very embarrassing for you and you would need a lot of encouragement. Spoken English is not the same as signed English. Different grammar, different rules.

Deaf pp here. No, this isn't it. I mean, you're correct about syntax, etc. But someone who's been mocked for "deaf voice" and is reluctant to use it should not be "encouraged" to do so. This is an intense matter of personal preference -- it's not something to be "fixed" or coaxed out of like some Hallmark movie. Just respect it and figure out how to communicate effectively. Most likely that means she learns to sign.

This is not at all like being asked to speak Chinese in front of native speakers. Someone learning Chinese eventually WANTS to be able to interact and converse in that language. This man most likely has no interest in it whatsoever.

NP. I'm sorry, but why is "he gets to keep his preferences and she has to learn sign" OK in this situation? Shouldn't BOTH parties be trying their best to communicate with one another, including him working on his aversion to verbal communication while she works to learn ASL?

Because this isn't really about "preferences." If you know anything about Deaf culture you'd know the ugly history of trying to force Deaf people to speak. For decades, in fact, children who used sign would be whipped and be forced to learn to vocalize. It was very, very cruel. BTW, this is a lesser known legacy of Alexander Graham Bell.

There are some Deaf people who are comfortable vocalizing, but they are few and far between. This isn't merely a "preference" for him -- and it shouldn't be viewed as some litmus test for his affection for her. It's not something to "overcome." It's not something you meet half way on. It's really not negotiable at all. Demanding this of him is unfair -- it's like insisting someone who is paralyzed get out of the chair and walk because you want a dancing partner.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I didn't mean to offend anyone.

I'm learning to sign, but I just started so I'm very, very limited.

I'm not forcing him to talk or telling him, he has to use his voice if he really loves me. I'm not demanding anything.

He told me that he could talk , and about being teased. I guess I just want him to know that he can trust me not to hurt him, and he can completely be himself around me.

Does that make sense?

[Anonymous]

If you have only been seeing him for a few weeks, I would not rush things at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I didn't mean to offend anyone.

I'm learning to sign, but I just started so I'm very, very limited.

I'm not forcing him to talk or telling him, he has to use his voice if he really loves me. I'm not demanding anything.

He told me that he could talk , and about being teased. I guess I just want him to know that he can trust me not to hurt him, and he can completely be himself around me.

Does that make sense?

Deaf pp here. I know you didn't mean offense, and I didn't take any. I was just trying to explain how this really isn't a "preference" thing like you might squabble over where to set the Thermostat.



Good luck. Don't push on the voice. My guess is if the relationship takes root, you'll hear his voice at some point.

Meanwhile, I do suggest you do some reading on what this existence is like. Start with a book if you can find it called "What's that Pig Outdoors" (the title is a riff on how sometimes a Deaf person will give an completely inappropriate answer to a question they think they've been asked. So, you might ask "is it cold outside" and the Deaf person might reply "bacon and eggs.")

I hope you're a patient soul :-0

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I didn't mean to offend anyone.

I'm learning to sign, but I just started so I'm very, very limited.

I'm not forcing him to talk or telling him, he has to use his voice if he really loves me. I'm not demanding anything.

He told me that he could talk , and about being teased. I guess I just want him to know that he can trust me not to hurt him, and he can completely be himself around me.

Does that make sense?

Deaf pp here. I know you didn't mean offense, and I didn't take any. I was just trying to explain how this really isn't a "preference" thing like you might squabble over where to set the Thermostat.



Good luck. Don't push on the voice. My guess is if the relationship takes root, you'll hear his voice at some point.

Meanwhile, I do suggest you do some reading on what this existence is like. Start with a book if you can find it called "What's that Pig Outdoors" (the title is a riff on how sometimes a Deaf person will give an completely inappropriate answer to a question they think they've been asked. So, you might ask "is it cold outside" and the Deaf person might reply "bacon and eggs.")

I hope you're a patient soul :-0

OP again.

Thank you for your thoughtful replies. I will give that book a read if I can get a copy.

I truly did not want to pressure him. I guess I thought I would be helping, him, building his self esteem up after the bullying, but I see that was the wrong assumption.

I won't bring it up again, unless he does. It's a new relationship, but I like him a lot and the last thing I wan't to do is make him uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give him time. And start when you are alone together. Not in public. This would be like expecting you to speak Chinese in public in front of native speakers. Possibly very embarrassing for you and you would need a lot of encouragement. Spoken English is not the same as signed English. Different grammar, different rules.

Deaf pp here. No, this isn't it. I mean, you're correct about syntax, etc. But someone who's been mocked for "deaf voice" and is reluctant to use it should not be "encouraged" to do so. This is an intense matter of personal preference -- it's not something to be "fixed" or coaxed out of like some Hallmark movie. Just respect it and figure out how to communicate effectively. Most likely that means she learns to sign.

This is not at all like being asked to speak Chinese in front of native speakers. Someone learning Chinese eventually WANTS to be able to interact and converse in that language. This man most likely has no interest in it whatsoever.

NP. I'm sorry, but why is "he gets to keep his preferences and she has to learn sign" OK in this situation? Shouldn't BOTH parties be trying their best to communicate with one another, including him working on his aversion to verbal communication while she works to learn ASL?

Because this isn't really about "preferences." If you know anything about Deaf culture you'd know the ugly history of trying to force Deaf people to speak. For decades, in fact, children who used sign would be whipped and be forced to learn to vocalize. It was very, very cruel. BTW, this is a lesser known legacy of Alexander Graham Bell.

There are some Deaf people who are comfortable vocalizing, but they are few and far between. This isn't merely a "preference" for him -- and it shouldn't be viewed as some litmus test for his affection for her. It's not something to "overcome." It's not something you meet half way on. It's really not negotiable at all. Demanding this of him is unfair -- it's like insisting someone who is paralyzed get out of the chair and walk because you want a dancing partner.

Parent of a deaf child here who speaks perfectly well... Finding a deaf person who is comfortable vocalizing is no longer "few and far between". We are surrounded by deaf kids and adults who you would never know have hearing loss if you didn't see their devices or have them tell you. I'm not saying that is the OP's boyfriend, but to state that deaf people who want to speak is rare as a fact is just wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give him time. And start when you are alone together. Not in public. This would be like expecting you to speak Chinese in public in front of native speakers. Possibly very embarrassing for you and you would need a lot of encouragement. Spoken English is not the same as signed English. Different grammar, different rules.

Deaf pp here. No, this isn't it. I mean, you're correct about syntax, etc. But someone who's been mocked for "deaf voice" and is reluctant to use it should not be "encouraged" to do so. This is an intense matter of personal preference -- it's not something to be "fixed" or coaxed out of like some Hallmark movie. Just respect it and figure out how to communicate effectively. Most likely that means she learns to sign.

This is not at all like being asked to speak Chinese in front of native speakers. Someone learning Chinese eventually WANTS to be able to interact and converse in that language. This man most likely has no interest in it whatsoever.

NP. I'm sorry, but why is "he gets to keep his preferences and she has to learn sign" OK in this situation? Shouldn't BOTH parties be trying their best to communicate with one another, including him working on his aversion to verbal communication while she works to learn ASL?

Because this isn't really about "preferences." If you know anything about Deaf culture you'd know the ugly history of trying to force Deaf people to speak. For decades, in fact, children who used sign would be whipped and be forced to learn to vocalize. It was very, very cruel. BTW, this is a lesser known legacy of Alexander Graham Bell.

There are some Deaf people who are comfortable vocalizing, but they are few and far between. This isn't merely a "preference" for him -- and it shouldn't be viewed as some litmus test for his affection for her. It's not something to "overcome." It's not something you meet half way on. It's really not negotiable at all. Demanding this of him is unfair -- it's like insisting someone who is paralyzed get out of the chair and walk because you want a dancing partner.

Parent of a deaf child here who speaks perfectly well... Finding a deaf person who is comfortable vocalizing is no longer "few and far between". We are surrounded by deaf kids and adults who you would never know have hearing loss if you didn't see their devices or have them tell you. I'm not saying that is the OP's boyfriend, but to state that deaf people who want to speak is rare as a fact is just wrong.

Tell that to Jane Fernandes.

[Anonymous]

I didn't post before, but I had thought that cochlear implants were a cure now? My cousin is an audiologist who works with infants and I believe she told me this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't post before, but I had thought that cochlear implants were a cure now? My cousin is an audiologist who works with infants and I believe she told me this.

I desperately need that popcorn eating emoticon.

So, cochlear implants are only a cure if you consider deafness a disease/disability rather than Deafness as a socio-linguistic group. Cochlear implants do not give you "perfect" hearing. It sounds kind of like a fuzzy radio not fully tuned in. Some people, including mostly hearing people with deaf children, find that a good substitute. Many in the Deaf community do not, and would prefer to have perfect command of a language (ASL) rather than imperfect command of another (spoken English).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't post before, but I had thought that cochlear implants were a cure now? My cousin is an audiologist who works with infants and I believe she told me this.

Most Deaf people do not view deafness as something that needs to be "cured." And while the impulse of a parent to "fix" it is understandable, it's often misguided. Better to give your child tools to communicate effectively rather than focus on "fixing" or "curing" deafness. That's the same mentality that led to the cruel abuse of children trying to sign only a couple of generations ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't post before, but I had thought that cochlear implants were a cure now? My cousin is an audiologist who works with infants and I believe she told me this.

Most Deaf people do not view deafness as something that needs to be "cured." And while the impulse of a parent to "fix" it is understandable, it's often misguided. Better to give your child tools to communicate effectively rather than focus on "fixing" or "curing" deafness. That's the same mentality that led to the cruel abuse of children trying to sign only a couple of generations ago.

I'm not trying to be insensitive. It was just a question. Most children who have bad eyesight do get glasses?

[Anonymous]

ASL. Is that American as a Second Language?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ASL. Is that American as a Second Language?

No, it's American Sign Language, which is distinctive from, say, British Sign Language or Australian Sign Language.

Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't post before, but I had thought that cochlear implants were a cure now? My cousin is an audiologist who works with infants and I believe she told me this.

Most Deaf people do not view deafness as something that needs to be "cured." And while the impulse of a parent to "fix" it is understandable, it's often misguided. Better to give your child tools to communicate effectively rather than focus on "fixing" or "curing" deafness. That's the same mentality that led to the cruel abuse of children trying to sign only a couple of generations ago.

I'm not trying to be insensitive. It was just a question. Most children who have bad eyesight do get glasses?

You are wading into controversial territory.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deaf_culture