Possible to be a laid-back mom in this area?

[Anonymous]

Truthfully, and I know this is a little sad, but I don't tend to hang out with a lot of moms. I work for part of the day, so it's easier to justify than if I was a SAHM. I have met some really nice moms but it is exhausting just to keep up with the conversation sometimes. I am a worrier so I don't need added pressure and to hear that we are doing everything wrong - or to defend why we don't think it's wrong!

Mostly in my free time I hang out with my husband and my mom. I chat with other moms at work and I have a good friend who is a new mom I talk to, but that's really about it. I know that doesn't solve the problem but I do feel like I've insulated myself somewhat.

[Anonymous]

I'm all for the Beta mom group At several points I started thinking that there is something wrong with me, but now after reading your post, I got it: i'm a laid back person in a very non-laid back society. Already feel better about myself. Thanks

[Anonymous]

I live in NWDC and my friends are scattered around NWDC. A couple in the burbs too. None of us is an uptight mom. We all relax when we can, we all cut corners as working parents have to do, and none of us is competitive-- neither for ourselves nor for our kids. So far all of us are using public schools and none have done any kind of super-baby/super-kid activities. Our houses cost more than we ever thought they would, but that's necessary if you want a good public school in NWDC. No one has a car nicer than a Subaru.

I'm from Queens, NY. My friends are from all over the East Coast, grew up middle class. A couple of Michiganders too.

Seriously, none of us has ever met ANYONE like you see on this board. I don't know where they live. Haven't found them in my neighborhood yet. Maybe I haven't been looking in the right (wrong?) places.

There is community out there for everyone who seeks it. Thank heavens-- I wouldn't last a minute in the high-powered-parent world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We should start a playgroup for "beta moms." I'd be there. I mean, I'd be late, but I'd be there.

Love this, especially the late part. If more moms like you got together you could just live your lives and forget about what others are doing.

I made the remark about the playdate. See, here's the thing - for the most part I don't take an active interest in the alpha moms. Because I know, even innocent chitchat at the playground becomes an unsolicited parenting lesson.

"So. Do you have Joseph enrolled in any summer classes?"
"Eh. Joe's so young yet, and there's a lot we can do outside. We might do something in the winter, or wait until he's a little older... we'll see."
"Well. Think about it. Little Anastasia just loves her Mandarin classes. You know, it's so important at this age to stimulate their little minds. They thirst for new knowledge and new experiences."
"Sigh. Yes. I'm aware."

I exaggerate (a little, just a little), but you get the idea. They exhaust me.

Well, for all your exhaustion, which I totally get, it sounds like you handle these situations just wonderfully.

[Anonymous]

Heh. Thanks. I get a lot of practice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is it like living in the midwest? Is it really more laid back? Can you give me an example? I'm not trying to be snarky, I'm curious because I've lived here most of my life.

I grew up in the midwest. It isn't THAT laid back. Sorry to burst the bubble who view "the midwest" as some sort of utopian fantasy of child-rearing. Plus, there are MANY advantages to living in this area that I simply did not have access to in "the midwest."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Move to an area where people don't have so much money.

We live in Prince George's County and it is nothing like life in Northern Arlington.

Exactly -- there are lots of laid-back people around but you may have to move out of your neighborhood and find a new set of people to hang around with.

[Anonymous]

i feel like for me personally, the only way to survive motherhood is to be laid-back.

OP i like your attitude. we should hang out.

[Anonymous]

I grew up in the midwest. Where I come from, parenting was definitely more relaxed, although it's crazy to generalize about an entire region from that one environment. I think it is somewhat cultural, because people were responsible workers but expected to work regular hours. And my friends back home all had kids right after college. Who has time to obsess about parenting details when you are having kids right out of school and have very little money to spend? The private school scene was not so ugly. It was heavily dominated by Catholic schools, and so it wasn't a cutthroat type of thing, especially in grade school where you got in wherever you went to church. Lastly, I think that young adults tend to settle down where they grew up, so their parenting models are also their role models, not peers with whom they compete.

There is a competitive aspect to it, but it's limited to sports and mainly soccer. Parents seem to devote a major chunk of their lives to it, and kids play on select teams from an early age.

[Anonymous]

I was born and raised here. I find that others who've grown up here are generally really laid back. It's the imports who seem a bit tight to me.

Like PP said. You sound cool. We should hang out. I grew up in PG County but live in MoCo now. In a tiny little townhouse that I'm just thrilled to death with.

[Anonymous]

I've lived in Northern VA since the fifth grade and consider myself pretty darn laid back. Material things are just that - material. What I care about is how you treat me and my family - your house, car, stroller, etc. are no concern of mine. Whatever floats your boat, and same goes for me.

I am just trying to do the best job that I can (as a mom, wife, friend, etc.) and hope you are , too. It doesn't take a whole lot to make me happy.

[Anonymous]

I live in a Bethesda-Alexandria-like suburb in the Midwest, and I can tell you that type A moms are here in abundance. I had a conversation with a mom of an 18 month old who was using FLASH CARDS with her child to teach him his letters. She wanted him to get a good start on reading.

Here's the drill: ballet on Friday, swimming on Saturday, gifted classes on Sunday, soccer on Monday, Spanish on Tuesday, music lessons on Wednesday... you get the picture. It's competitive and tense, and kids are hugely overscheduled all the time.

I think DC sounds kind of relaxed by comparison.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hope you won't mind me asking this..but are you from a different culture? Are you from the South Asian countries? Reason I ask is because I know that the South Asian population here are into material wealth, much more so than your average caucasian American family. Sure, there's a wealthy caucasian crowd around here too but I noticed that nearly every South Asian person I meet is as you describe.

Plus, something about the way you write makes me think that...

Anyhow I'd say hang out with different friends. I handpick those people who are laid back and not into material stuff to be my friends.

[Anonymous]

I grew up here too. I went to college in upstate NY and law school outside of NYC. Give me the type A, competition laden, barracuda atmosphere here any day of the week. I went to a FCPS and it was a pressure cooker. No Cs allowed in my house. Current events, politics, etc were our dinner table conversation. I received a brand new car for my 16th bday. We took amazing vacations every year. I had all sorts of extra curriculars in school and out. Law school was a cake walk compared to high school. My friends and I all competed for and got into good colleges and many of us went on to graduate school.

I consider myself to be successful and happy. I contrast myself with the children of my parents friends from their respective hometowns and my cousins who grew up outside of this area and in a far less competitve area. One out of 4 of my cousins went on to college. That cousin is unemployed after having been laid off from his job at a chain restaurant. 1 of the other 3 is on welfare. The remaining 2 are working in jobs that will never yield much advancement. None of them has been able to buy a home. Only one saves for retirement -- rather, her husband who is a state employee saves for retirement. Of my parents friends from their respective hometowns, I think 1 child 5 or 6 families went on to college and lives any sort of an independent successful life. The rest bump from one job to another and never get ahead or are able to save. And believe me, when there is any sort of gathering of the clans, none of them tells me how much better they have it now since they had no pressure or competition when they were growing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up here too. I went to college in upstate NY and law school outside of NYC. Give me the type A, competition laden, barracuda atmosphere here any day of the week. I went to a FCPS and it was a pressure cooker. No Cs allowed in my house. Current events, politics, etc were our dinner table conversation. I received a brand new car for my 16th bday. We took amazing vacations every year. I had all sorts of extra curriculars in school and out. Law school was a cake walk compared to high school. My friends and I all competed for and got into good colleges and many of us went on to graduate school.

I consider myself to be successful and happy. I contrast myself with the children of my parents friends from their respective hometowns and my cousins who grew up outside of this area and in a far less competitve area. One out of 4 of my cousins went on to college. That cousin is unemployed after having been laid off from his job at a chain restaurant. 1 of the other 3 is on welfare. The remaining 2 are working in jobs that will never yield much advancement. None of them has been able to buy a home. Only one saves for retirement -- rather, her husband who is a state employee saves for retirement. Of my parents friends from their respective hometowns, I think 1 child 5 or 6 families went on to college and lives any sort of an independent successful life. The rest bump from one job to another and never get ahead or are able to save. And believe me, when there is any sort of gathering of the clans, none of them tells me how much better they have it now since they had no pressure or competition when they were growing up.

There are plenty of people that didn't go to college that have well adjusted happy lives and DO have it better off than the ivy league upscale families and their million dollar homes. They have loving homes and children that are not pressured to be perfect little clones. I think what many PPs and the OP are saying is that status does not guarantee happiness but so many in this area are too caught up and self absorbed to see this. You provide the perfect example.