Boyfriend's Mother is Ruining My Personal Life & Relationship

[Anonymous]

You are learning the lesson before it is too late. You don't marry a man, you marry his family. My mom told me if it isn't great when you are dating, move on, because it is not going to get any easier.

I know it is hard, but you will be thankful you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mistake 1: Never ask a married person to keep a secret from their spouse.
Mistake 2: perfume hides nothing. Even 1 cigarette is revolting to use your word and people can smell it even under whatever faux fragrance you use to camouflage.
Mistake 3: swearing at the family dinner. You took the low road.
Mistake 4: not insisting that J continue his relationship with her/them without your participation. Be done with them.

Also, smoking pot while job searching, and haranguing the father IN THE HOSPITAL about this stupid shit.

Just leave.

[Anonymous]

Being that we are not married, it seems like an easy out. Except, that J and I desperately want to be together and make things work. Right now it is looking impossible after the last breach of my trust and lack of boundary into my personal life. I don't know what to do anymore and this forum seemed like a somewhat appropriate place to write about it. If anyone has experience with narcissists, please help me save my life and my relationship. I don't know what to do anymore.

Find a relationship counselor. You've been fighting this fight for 2 years and it's not gotten better. Clearly, you need a different approach because what you've done hasn't worked. It's time to find an 'expert' to help you navigate this, someone who has experience and knowledge. You get a mechanic when you don't know how to fix your car. You get a personal trainer when you want to improve your workout. You get a relationship counselor when you can't get past relationship issues.

If you or your BF don't want to see a counselor, you're not really 'desperate' to be together and make things work. You might stay together but it's definitely not going to work. The solution starts with you two, not his mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are learning the lesson before it is too late. You don't marry a man, you marry his family. My mom told me if it isn't great when you are dating, move on, because it is not going to get any easier.

I know it is hard, but you will be thankful you did.

+1

Learn from your mistakes and try better with next BF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mistake 1: Never ask a married person to keep a secret from their spouse.
Mistake 2: perfume hides nothing. Even 1 cigarette is revolting to use your word and people can smell it even under whatever faux fragrance you use to camouflage.
Mistake 3: swearing at the family dinner. You took the low road.
Mistake 4: not insisting that J continue his relationship with her/them without your participation. Be done with them.

In this case it seems like it would be very hard for op to continue her relationship without dealing with the parents because her boyfriend lives with them and helps them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are learning the lesson before it is too late. You don't marry a man, you marry his family. My mom told me if it isn't great when you are dating, move on, because it is not going to get any easier.

I know it is hard, but you will be thankful you did.

NP here. I disagree completely. This is a mother that only wants herself to be happy - no one else - not her son, not you, no one, OP.

OP, the lesson here is that there are self involved, self important people in this world, and this woman is one of them. Some might even call her narcissistic.

Here is the rub: if your BF is able to stand up to her, all the better. If he is able to limit his contact, and put you first, that is even better.

This woman wants to control you. She may always think of your BF as a young boy, not a man. My MIL is like this. It is as crazy as it sounds. But as long as you are aware of it, and willing and able to manage it, consistently and well, it is fine - and won't impede.

I don't believe we marry the family, at all. I have lots (lots) in common with DH; but zero in common with his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are learning the lesson before it is too late. You don't marry a man, you marry his family. My mom told me if it isn't great when you are dating, move on, because it is not going to get any easier.

I know it is hard, but you will be thankful you did.

NP here. I disagree completely. This is a mother that only wants herself to be happy - no one else - not her son, not you, no one, OP.

OP, the lesson here is that there are self involved, self important people in this world, and this woman is one of them. Some might even call her narcissistic.

Here is the rub: if your BF is able to stand up to her, all the better. If he is able to limit his contact, and put you first, that is even better.

This woman wants to control you. She may always think of your BF as a young boy, not a man. My MIL is like this. It is as crazy as it sounds. But as long as you are aware of it, and willing and able to manage it, consistently and well, it is fine - and won't impede.

I don't believe we marry the family, at all. I have lots (lots) in common with DH; but zero in common with his family.

This is only true if your BF doesn't want to be a part of his family. But, yes, if you or he want your individual families to be a part of your lives, you are marrying each others' families. Anti will only intensify once you have children. Keep in mind, as well, even if he says he doesn't want his family around now, that may change once you have children. Having children changes everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mistake 1: Never ask a married person to keep a secret from their spouse.
Mistake 2: perfume hides nothing. Even 1 cigarette is revolting to use your word and people can smell it even under whatever faux fragrance you use to camouflage.
Mistake 3: swearing at the family dinner. You took the low road.
Mistake 4: not insisting that J continue his relationship with her/them without your participation. Be done with them.

Also, smoking pot while job searching, and haranguing the father IN THE HOSPITAL about this stupid shit.

Just leave.

+1

[Anonymous]

So OP you live at home and smoke pot...and you say your boyfriend should move out of his parents house and stop taking care of his sick dad because....he needs to grow up?
Whatever

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mistake 1: Never ask a married person to keep a secret from their spouse.
Mistake 2: perfume hides nothing. Even 1 cigarette is revolting to use your word and people can smell it even under whatever faux fragrance you use to camouflage.
Mistake 3: swearing at the family dinner. You took the low road.
Mistake 4: not insisting that J continue his relationship with her/them without your participation. Be done with them.

Also, smoking pot while job searching, and haranguing the father IN THE HOSPITAL about this stupid shit.

Just leave.

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So OP you live at home and smoke pot...and you say your boyfriend should move out of his parents house and stop taking care of his sick dad because....he needs to grow up?
Whatever

+ 100

You sound like the train wreck, OP. You expected his dad to go out on a limb for you so you could get a job (oh, sorry, against your wishes, you'd rather live at home with mom and dad than work, apparently), but you couldn't refrain from getting high in order to pass a drug test? Maybe his family thinks you are trashy and that's the problem. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

You sound stupid and immature. Absolutely not ready to be in a relationship let alone married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Simple solution - grow up!

This. Until then post somewhere else.

[Anonymous]

Both of you (you and your boyfriend's mother) lack any class. Your boyfriend should move on from both of you.

Get out of this relationship for the sake of you and your boyfriend.