Marrieds, thoughts on importance of father's role in school aged boys?

[Anonymous]

My husand does nothing with our son but cook. He comes from a culture where parents didn't play at all with kids. Actually my parents here did nothing with us either. This level of involvement with our kids is new.

I will say my 8 year old boy is much happier in general with far fewer video games. I've never limited use, and he seemed well rounded, but on days when he plays Minecraft too much, he's in a foul mood. I started limiting it, and my little happy kid is back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husand does nothing with our son but cook. He comes from a culture where parents didn't play at all with kids. Actually my parents here did nothing with us either. This level of involvement with our kids is new.

I will say my 8 year old boy is much happier in general with far fewer video games. I've never limited use, and he seemed well rounded, but on days when he plays Minecraft too much, he's in a foul mood. I started limiting it, and my little happy kid is back.

This. When I've take away the iPad, my dd is a much happier kid.

Op. Don't ask but tell you son you are going for a walk. He can either walk rude his bike or his scooter. It's not up for discussion but he has a choice. I had to do this with my daughter. Is he getting an hour of physical activity a day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids have always had a rule that they have to do one thing for their bodies and one thing for their minds. They are not allowed to watch tv except on vacations or when home sick, until they've gotten their first college acceptance letter. During the week, only a half hour of screens per day for fun, otherwise only for homework purposes.

Each parent is important to their child's wellbeing.

You sound like a nightmare.

Agree. Too rigid and likely to backfire.

OP, don't force things. Turn off the games (I hate them too!), but keep offering things. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

How about starting with family activities in the home, like game night on Tuesdays, movies on Fridays, comic book store trips on Wednesdays or Saturday mornings?


I noticed when I was young my dad spent more time with my brother who was sporty. My dad was also into music. I learned to play an instrument to get to know him better.

Maybe your son & DH are fine with things the way they are.

Watching TV together is a shared activity.

Maybe you just pick 1 or 2 things you always do and start a tradition...see where it goes??>?

[Anonymous]

Your husband should be doing something with your son, but it doesn't need to be active. They could read the same books and talk about them. They could do puzzles, play chess, cook dinner, start a new hobby together, etc. Turn off the TV and the video games and let your son find better ways to entertain himself. Even have your husband play the games with your son.

And frankly, as a homebody and a bookworm, I don't see anything wrong with reading as a leisure activity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husand does nothing with our son but cook. He comes from a culture where parents didn't play at all with kids. Actually my parents here did nothing with us either. This level of involvement with our kids is new.

I will say my 8 year old boy is much happier in general with far fewer video games. I've never limited use, and he seemed well rounded, but on days when he plays Minecraft too much, he's in a foul mood. I started limiting it, and my little happy kid is back.

OP here.

This could have been my words. DH loves to cook - so maybe that will be their thing.

I do wish he would physical though. At all. I do not care about sports but being healthy and fit.

[Anonymous]

I think it is beyond fine to not even HAVE video games or TV for a third grader. Our kids are in 1st and 3rd grade and have never played a video game at home. We do have a TV (and love it!) but they only watch it on weekends and DH and I only turn it on for ourselves after the kids are in bed.

Our 3rd grader, a boy, is quite unathletic. But he's active--loves to hike, run around the house, fight with light sabers, etc. And he also reads a lot and plays. He probably wouldn't do any of this as much if were allowed unfettered access to TV and video games.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husand does nothing with our son but cook. He comes from a culture where parents didn't play at all with kids. Actually my parents here did nothing with us either. This level of involvement with our kids is new.

I will say my 8 year old boy is much happier in general with far fewer video games. I've never limited use, and he seemed well rounded, but on days when he plays Minecraft too much, he's in a foul mood. I started limiting it, and my little happy kid is back.

OP here.

This could have been my words. DH loves to cook - so maybe that will be their thing.

I do wish he would physical though. At all. I do not care about sports but being healthy and fit.

Don't we all? Not everybody enjoys being physical and is cut out for fitness. I mean it'd be nice and all, but if not, it's not the end of days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your husband active? Was he active as a kid? I mean, I'm a mom but I don't particularly enjoy shopping, so I'm not eager to take my daughter to the mall just to browse.

)

Thanks for response. DH was not active as kid in an unhappy family and so never really developed interests beyond reading.
To this day he prefers to sit while I like to get out. I feel like it is a disserverice to our child to let him waste away. I ends up thAT I am turned into the bad guy for making DS cry and get upset - while I am thinking of the long game making him to a person with interests.

You cannot MAKE him a person with interests. You can help him develop interests, but not make him have them. Also, give credit to your DH for allowing your son to be who is, respecting his boundaries and not pushing him at the wrong times. You are the one causing the fits. There is a place in the middle where both you and hubby can help your son discover new things, push past his comfort zones and gain new skills and experiences. The therapist will likely help with this.

[Anonymous]

side note- not wanting to go out and participate in activities means you are depressed?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husand does nothing with our son but cook. He comes from a culture where parents didn't play at all with kids. Actually my parents here did nothing with us either. This level of involvement with our kids is new.

I will say my 8 year old boy is much happier in general with far fewer video games. I've never limited use, and he seemed well rounded, but on days when he plays Minecraft too much, he's in a foul mood. I started limiting it, and my little happy kid is back.

OP here.

This could have been my words. DH loves to cook - so maybe that will be their thing.

I do wish he would physical though. At all. I do not care about sports but being healthy and fit.

It doesn't sound like this was every your husband's personality, though. Why would that change just because he has a kid? I'd try instituting family walks after dinner or bike rides or something that involves physical activity--even something like Dance Dance Revolution or Wii fitness activities (harness the power of the video game!). But don't expect people to change. Cooking together sounds like a great activity--I have really nice memories of cooking with my mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids have always had a rule that they have to do one thing for their bodies and one thing for their minds. They are not allowed to watch tv except on vacations or when home sick, until they've gotten their first college acceptance letter. During the week, only a half hour of screens per day for fun, otherwise only for homework purposes.

Each parent is important to their child's wellbeing.

You sound like a nightmare.

-1
I think the PP sounds great.

[Anonymous]

Hobbies aren't important, but connection is. My DH isn't into team sports, but he's into art. He shares that with the kids and reads to them. He takes them out individually and together to the movies, for hiking/biking, just chatting, etc. Sometimes they bond over card games, movies or TV shows. The topic isn't important. It's a Dad's presence that matters.

Your DH needs to be available to listen and guide them. He needs to show that he loves them and that they matter in his life.

Maybe he's depressed but he shouldn't be withdrawn. He needs to reemerge as the leader/role model he has to be -- he can't just recede into his own little world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:side note- not wanting to go out and participate in activities means you are depressed?!

OP here. Not only symptom. The point of this thread was that I think boys crave attention from their dad. I think that having your dad chose work over you and family is probably not good for a kids confidence.

My son who doesn't play with his toys, use his new art materials, read and just prefers to watch tv - it was not just about group activities. Really any sort of interest that he'd be willing to develop at all would be an improvement. Maybe he as adhd. I don't know yet. Could be any number of things.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I agree, boys crave attention from dad. My DD does too as she is getting older. I'm glad you are on a wait list for therapy and are trying different things for your son to make sure he's okay. My husband is not physically active but likes to watch sports. My son is active but does not like to watch sports. They didn't spend a lot of time together when he was younger. He's about your son's age now and they enjoy working in the yard together and doing "projects" around the house. Cleaning the garage, taking down the Christmas lights, vacuuming the car, whatever. It's really more about spending time together. DH is always happy to put on a movie and watch with the kids with popcorn. It's a different type of bonding. I do the active stuff with both kids.