Children, family arguments, and Christmas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one owes your children gifts - not even grandparents.

OP here. Uh, I don't think they are "owed" presents. I am asking on how I tell my kids if they ask. You sound delightful, btw!

Well, that is how your post came across and given your response to me, I don't actually believe you. But, since you asked, I tell mine that people don't always get others gifts and I don't know why their grandmother (or uncle or whomever didn't bring gifts on a particular year) didn't get them a gift. I also remind mine that the only people they buy gifts for are their siblings. They don't get their grandmother or their uncles gifts either. (I get others gifts, but my kids tend to only use their money for either other).

I think you sensed my anger and frustration with the situation. I feel her behavior is immature. My kids didn't do anything to her. The disagreement is between my DH and her. But if she is going to be petty, there isn't much we can do about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We didn't give any gifts to anyone this year. Not even the grandkids.

Disrespect should never be rewarded. I feel for the kids but their parents are to blame. It doesn't matter because we're damned either way.

Your grandkids were disrespectful? Or your children? It is very petty to punish the grandkids for their parents' actions.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP. I'd tell you that it gets better, but my fiancé and adult DD just had a huge row because I needed to go the ER and DD refused to watch her younger sister because today is her only day off and she needs to get her nails done. All you can do is try to keep the Christmas spirit alive for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and his mother (my MIL) are not on good terms right now. This has seemed to trickle down to my kids. She didn't send them Christmas gifts. How should I handle this? (Kids are 9 and 7.) My kids get 3 gifts from Santa and that's it. So it will be obvious to them that their grandmother sent them nothing.

So, your children get 4 gifts at Christmas. The three from Santa and the one from their paternal grandmother. Do they give gifts to each other or you? Is there significance to the number three? Can you start a new tradition where you each give a small gift to family members? You can help them shop for thier siblng and DH and your DH can help them shop for you. Can you start a new tradtion where you and DH give them a fourth "event" present- like going to see Star Wars together or going out to eat at a favorite restaurant the day after Christmas? Or have a family project, where you all make one thing together for your yard or house?

[Anonymous]

Tell the kids to ask Daddy about it... Let him answer the awkward question how he wants to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell the kids to ask Daddy about it... Let him answer the awkward question how he wants to.

+1

[Anonymous]

I think you just tell them you don't know why.

You don't know why she chose to go this route. Lots of people fight and manage to maintain relationships with others in the family.

I invited my mom to my son's party 3 times. She screened my calls. On his birthday she acted as if she did not have any opportunity to celebrate with him. I thought about getting him a gift and saying it was from her, but someone else (a pastor) told me to let my kid figure out through small actions like this how much he can depend on her, or not.

It will make in impression, but that isn't your fault and they will be OK.

Maybe your MIL feels it would be "fake" or "phony" to pretend everything is fine.

Well, it isn't.

THis is a missed opportunity for a grandmother to be a Nana, but a way for your kids to see who they can count on when the chips are down.

Make sure you will is clear that this person should not be their guardian should anything happen to you 2!

[Anonymous]

I think you just explain that grandma wasn't up for (or wasn't able to) buying gifts this year, no need to go into the family drama. It's a good time to point out that just because your expect a gift, does not mean you are owed a gift. And that they are still INCREDIBLY lucky they have anything under the tree.

It's only an awkward thing if you make it awkward. Your kids are old enough to handle this tiny level of disappointment.

[Anonymous]

Sad that grown people act this way. This society is going to hell in a hand basket. Passive aggressiveness. Silent treatments. Punishing people not involved in the disagreement. Shame on all of them, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you just tell them you don't know why.

You don't know why she chose to go this route. Lots of people fight and manage to maintain relationships with others in the family.

I invited my mom to my son's party 3 times. She screened my calls. On his birthday she acted as if she did not have any opportunity to celebrate with him. I thought about getting him a gift and saying it was from her, but someone else (a pastor) told me to let my kid figure out through small actions like this how much he can depend on her, or not.

It will make in impression, but that isn't your fault and they will be OK.

Maybe your MIL feels it would be "fake" or "phony" to pretend everything is fine.

Well, it isn't.

THis is a missed opportunity for a grandmother to be a Nana, but a way for your kids to see who they can count on when the chips are down.

Make sure you will is clear that this person should not be their guardian should anything happen to you 2!

Agree with all. Especially the bolded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and his mother (my MIL) are not on good terms right now. This has seemed to trickle down to my kids. She didn't send them Christmas gifts. How should I handle this? (Kids are 9 and 7.) My kids get 3 gifts from Santa and that's it. So it will be obvious to them that their grandmother sent them nothing.

My 9 yr old has never asked or even wondered where gifts came from. I don't think there's anything to handle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one owes your children gifts - not even grandparents.

OP here. Uh, I don't think they are "owed" presents. I am asking on how I tell my kids if they ask. You sound delightful, btw!

Well, that is how your post came across and given your response to me, I don't actually believe you. But, since you asked, I tell mine that people don't always get others gifts and I don't know why their grandmother (or uncle or whomever didn't bring gifts on a particular year) didn't get them a gift. I also remind mine that the only people they buy gifts for are their siblings. They don't get their grandmother or their uncles gifts either. (I get others gifts, but my kids tend to only use their money for either other).

NP here. I tell my kids that people who don't give gifts aren't being thoughtful. Which is why my kids get (or make) gifts for everyone that they care about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We didn't give any gifts to anyone this year. Not even the grandkids.

Disrespect should never be rewarded. I feel for the kids but their parents are to blame. It doesn't matter because we're damned either way.

My grandmother did this to me.

I reached out to her when I was in college to ask if we could reconnect because I missed her. She said that she wanted to know what was wrong with my parents. She wanted me to act as a double agent and resolve her issues with them which she would not tell me about.
"Ask your parents. They know what they did and why they do things."
I said, "Well, they are my parents. I don't always understand them, but I respect them and appreciate what they have done for me."

She wouldn't budge. She was not perfect, but she was my only grandparent.
When she died, my husband thought it was so strange that I had a close relative he had never met.

I urge you NOT TO do this to children, or young adults.

You are not rewarding bad behavior by loving your grandchildren. You are exhibiting bad behavior and teaching the next generation that cutting off loved ones when it isn't easy is the next logical step. Your actually reinforce brattiness by being bratty back.

My wiser relatives will say, "I tried to call/work with/compromise with your parents, but it didn't work. Can we get together another time when they are not around?"