How Exactly do People Divorce...?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to get to a point where you know that you're going to be okay on your own. Counseling might help you work through it. Talk to a lawyer too to get an idea of what to expect legally.

Agree. Also, I realized that the agony of living in a constant state of "what should I do?" was slowly killing me. I was really functional and hid my misery well, but once I decided to divorce the weight of my shoulders was incredible. I've been divorced for a few years now and it was the best decision I have ever made. I had three young kids so it wasn't easy, but the reality is, it was much easier than staying and living in (well-hidden) misery.

I highly recommend divorce. I don't say that lightly and obviously it's not true for everyone. When people were saying to me "I'm so sorry" about the divorce, I just wanted to shout "I'm not, it's awesome!" And I'm not a flippant person. It's just that as difficult as divorce is, it was way easier for me than living unhappily. There are tough parts, of course, but overall I am far, far happier.

+1
This is how it is when the marriage is OVER. When it's over, it is horrible to stay - there is simply no question about it. If there are still questions and doubts then you are not ready to end the marriage.

[Anonymous]

The pain has to be there, and have been there for a LONG time. And you get to the point where you even envision living in a cardboard box a wonderful holiday vs. living in misery all the time.

All that should force you to break out of your comfort zone.

New Years is just around the corner.

Nothing like a fresh start for you and the kids.

[Anonymous]

At what point is your own misery more important than considering the effect on the kids though? If we did not have young kids I would be gone. As much as I want my marriage to work out I am devastated to see that DH is only willing to do enough to keep me here but not enough to truly change himself and be open about our issues. Right now my kids are young and have no clue that we are having problems so I don't think it's effecting anyone but me.

[Anonymous]

Finding out that my ex was having affairs/seeing escorts made it pretty damn easy for me to pack my bags and leave. The hardest part was telling our kids. That part made me really sad, but four years later -- they are doing fine.

Honestly, for me, the hardest part was the financial insecurity. I knew deep down though, that I could make it on my own if I got zero child support and alimony. I would have had to leave the DC area and find a place with a substantially lower cost of living and change a lot of things in my life. But that would better than staying in my sham of a marriage.

In a weird way, finding out about the cheating was a gift to me. I would have never broken up my family just because I was unhappy in my marriage, but he put my life, his life and the well-being of the kids in jeopardy by having unprotected sex with so many women.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes the rent is too damn high to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Finding out that my ex was having affairs/seeing escorts made it pretty damn easy for me to pack my bags and leave. The hardest part was telling our kids. That part made me really sad, but four years later -- they are doing fine.

Honestly, for me, the hardest part was the financial insecurity. I knew deep down though, that I could make it on my own if I got zero child support and alimony. I would have had to leave the DC area and find a place with a substantially lower cost of living and change a lot of things in my life. But that would better than staying in my sham of a marriage.

In a weird way, finding out about the cheating was a gift to me. I would have never broken up my family just because I was unhappy in my marriage, but he put my life, his life and the well-being of the kids in jeopardy by having unprotected sex with so many women.

I'm actually not sure I agree with that. I wouldn't stay married to a man who did that to me either, so I'm not blaming you. I guess I just don't think you have to justify yourself by saying you and your kids were in some kind of serious risk due to your husband's promiscuity. Men have been promiscuous since the beginning of time.

[Anonymous]

If he had given her HIV, yes, it would be putting her life and therefore her kids lives in jeopardy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Finding out that my ex was having affairs/seeing escorts made it pretty damn easy for me to pack my bags and leave. The hardest part was telling our kids. That part made me really sad, but four years later -- they are doing fine.

Honestly, for me, the hardest part was the financial insecurity. I knew deep down though, that I could make it on my own if I got zero child support and alimony. I would have had to leave the DC area and find a place with a substantially lower cost of living and change a lot of things in my life. But that would better than staying in my sham of a marriage.

In a weird way, finding out about the cheating was a gift to me. I would have never broken up my family just because I was unhappy in my marriage, but he put my life, his life and the well-being of the kids in jeopardy by having unprotected sex with so many women.

I'm actually not sure I agree with that. I wouldn't stay married to a man who did that to me either, so I'm not blaming you. I guess I just don't think you have to justify yourself by saying you and your kids were in some kind of serious risk due to your husband's promiscuity. Men have been promiscuous since the beginning of time.

The OP of this quote says that she would never leave just because she was unhappy. I guess that's not enough justification for what happens to the kids. So, if you want to leave due to cheating, but you think being unhappy is not enough reason to go, you kind of have to mentally elevate it to a danger to her and the kids to make it ok. Just my opinion. I am not judging whether a person should stay or leave, but just commenting on what I perceive to be the thought process here.

[Anonymous]

Also realize that staying isn't always what is best for the kids. If you have a low-conflict bad marriage, staying may be okay. But if you are in a high-conflict bad marriage, you are teaching your kids what to look for in mates. They will go out and only be attracted to high-conflict mates. It's a horrible legacy to push on your children.

Divorce is not always a bad thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was scary and I didn't have kids. Having to rethink what the future would look like, feeling like a failure, the embarrassment. But there was no staying married. That wasn't an option.

A poster on another thread once said that divorce with no kids is like an extended bad breakup.