Sibling doesn't want to exchange gifts this year. Why does this bother me?

[Anonymous]

I'd be thrilled. When my mom's siblings stopped exchanging gifts, they all put the money they used to spend towards buying Christmas dinner for a family in need. My aunt worked at a high school, so she knew what families were really hurting that year (whose dad had lost his job, whose mom was really sick, etc.). She would choose a family, and everyone else would go shopping for the meal and to stock their pantry. Everyone liked it much better--they were doing something as a family, but they weren't just buying each other more stuff they didn't need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She gave me a list for her kids and said not to get her and BIL anything. In the past she has always scoffed at people that only exchange with kids. The only thing I can think of is they came into a lot of money last year through a lucrative business deal and made a lot of big purchases, etc. I think they don't want to exchange gifts because we can't afford anything they like. I know that sounds silly but the more money her husband made over the years that's the impression I got the last few Christmases. Then this year they decide not to exchange at all. The list for her kids hurt my feelings as well because I thought I always got them nice gifts. I'm probably taking it way too personally but would anyone else feel miffed?

It's not money it's NOT needing more objects be they clothes, jewelry, books, housewares. One reaches a point where it is burdensome. Now that your sister brought this up it is a good time to take it further and cut out the kids with a gift for the family only. That is a delivery of great baked goods, floral arrangements, maybe some photos framed of your childhood/parents that you have that she does not.

You're concerned about their business deals but the cutting down on gift recipients is far from that INMO.

[Anonymous]

I'd be thrilled. I'm starting to get resentful about the list my husband's family email around. It seems obnoxious. We all have kids, and we've all been very fortunate with finances in terms of making good incomes that allow us to not worry about having a roof over our heads and food on the table. Why I need to worry about getting a nice bath product for my MIL or pick out a reasonably-priced item for her to get me seems silly at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She gave me a list for her kids and said not to get her and BIL anything. In the past she has always scoffed at people that only exchange with kids. The only thing I can think of is they came into a lot of money last year through a lucrative business deal and made a lot of big purchases, etc. I think they don't want to exchange gifts because we can't afford anything they like. I know that sounds silly but the more money her husband made over the years that's the impression I got the last few Christmases. Then this year they decide not to exchange at all. The list for her kids hurt my feelings as well because I thought I always got them nice gifts. I'm probably taking it way too personally but would anyone else feel miffed?

OP, I don't think this is the case at all. Many, many families I know have stopped exchanging gifts with adults. Dh's family stopped years ago.

As for the kids, if you didn't ask for a list, then that was incredibly rude behavior on her part. You are not obligated to get them things from the list.

[Anonymous]

Gift giving is an expression of generosity. Don't deny the giver the opportunity to express themselves as a generous,
giving human being. Sure, there are other ways to express it - through actions, through time spent together
- but you do not get to decide HOW someone shows you they love you. It is YOU who are being selfish by dictating
precisely "how" someone is to show they care about you.

(donate later if you don't want the stuff)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be thrilled. When my mom's siblings stopped exchanging gifts, they all put the money they used to spend towards buying Christmas dinner for a family in need. My aunt worked at a high school, so she knew what families were really hurting that year (whose dad had lost his job, whose mom was really sick, etc.). She would choose a family, and everyone else would go shopping for the meal and to stock their pantry. Everyone liked it much better--they were doing something as a family, but they weren't just buying each other more stuff they didn't need.

We did this among my group of friends many years ago -- it was so much fun! You could buy all the things you don't have anyone to buy for now, in my case GIRL kids (I have 9 nephews). And assembling the stuff for dinner was a blast. We gave everything to one friend who knew a teacher who was collecting for a family in her classroom and about a month later we got the most amazing collection of thank you notes from the family!

[Anonymous]

once the siblings had kids, we moved to gifts for the kids only (except for the one sibling who is single and much younger). Once she marries and has a kid, we'll do the same thing. As for getting a list of what the kids want - I would love it. I would want to get my nieces and nephews what they want for Christmas. Don't over analyze it - she's trying to make things easier.

[Anonymous]

I wish we stopped exchanging gifts. I hate tea and I get it every year. I also hate my SIL's jewelry mostly because it's not my style, it gives me a rash (nickel allergy), and it's "just something to do with my hands and not very special". Great. Thanks. I hate buying gift cards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SIL insisted we exchange gifts for many years. I kept telling my DH to ask her to stop. Who wants to exchange gift cards with adults or spend hours hunting down the perfect gift for another adult? Christmas gifts are for kids, the elderly, and the less fortunate.

I finally stopped the gift-giving with my brother and SIL, because it had wound down to "going to Amazon and checking off gift-list items." At that point it felt like nothing more than a required exchange of goods. If there's no joy in it, and we all have more than we could ever need, what's the point?

I wish DH would finally put his foot down with his parents and stop the exchange on that side of the family as well.

Don't get me wrong, I miss the "real" Christmas--but that's the Christmas of my youth, when there were so many things I wanted, and it seemed like Mom always knew what to get me. Those times are gone. What I want for Christmas now is the sanity of being able to enjoy the season without having to worry about a present exchange that has no heart in it.

[Anonymous]

Ah, America. Where people complain about having too much stuff and how horrible it is giving gifts to others.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps she, like many of us, feels like she has too much stuff. My advice is to give a charitable gift in her honor if you like (e.g., Heifer, IRC), but respect her wish not to accumulate more stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ah, America. Where people complain about having too much stuff and how horrible it is giving gifts to others.

But isn't this the point of the complaints? Probably all of us posting have plenty of "stuff" and yet we engage in this weird ritual of giving each more stuff and then getting more stuff. It's not very fulfilling, and it causes a lot of stress.

We make lovely photo albums of the kids every year and give to both sets of grandparents. It takes a lot of time to pick and arrange the photos (even though now with digital photos it is much easier, you see my point). I also love baking something special and giving it to someone. But yet some of our family still insists on exchanging lists of crap to get each other. I'm tired of it.

I love my family but Christmas to me is about having time off from work, eating special meals, getting together with loved ones, watching our kids open presents. I really don't get a lot of joy from clicking on a link a family member emailed me and hitting "add to cart" and then having them do the same. But I don't want to be the scrooge who insists we stop.

[Anonymous]

My pet peeve is the gift card exchange. I inevitably get a card to a store that doesn't have brick-and-mortar in my state (we live 2,000 miles from family) so I have to try and find something online and pay shipping -- or just regift the card to someone else.

[Anonymous]

I'd be relieved.

We are gradually eliminating exchanging gifts with adult family members. My side of the family is quite large. For years we'd draw names among siblings and in-laws, eight total and just buy for that one adult. We'd do same for all the grandchildren...15 in all! That was still a lot of time and effort and cost. Sometimes I'd have to ship presents.

Now that we're all older, we decided to draw names among cousins. No adult gift exchange. Easier.

Now just have to get my DH on board for his side. We buy for his sister and her two kids and my ILs.

[Anonymous]

It bothers you because you feel rejected and like your taste in gifts sucked to her kids. You can either feel miffed or you can feel relieved it's less shopping you have to do. If you still feel like you need to get them something, get something edible.